to love for the hope of it all

Growth isn’t linear, a constant thing I must keep in mind. This is one of the rare times I feel confident enough in myself and my values to know that things will be fine. It’s a feeling I’d like to hold on to and develop. The knowledge that I have done my best and tried my hardest in every single aspect of what has happened between ‘abs’ and I can carry me through it, I think so at least. I’m glad we met, I’m glad there was something between us, I’m glad I actually tried – although I regret perhaps not doing it in the ‘right’ way, I did it in the way I thought was best at the time – I’m glad I told him I loved him and I’m glad that I can understand that his actions are a reflection on him more than on me. They’re a reflection on his fear and inability to be honest and open in fear of disappointing people, and his desire for affection / love that I provided for awhile. 

I refuse to let bad things that people do to me alter my DNA as a person. I like that I think the best of people until proven otherwise, that I genuinely do believe in good, because I don’t see the point otherwise. I will continue to go into situations with pure intentions and heart, and keep hoping. 

8:15 PM: i’m still going to expect and hope for the best in people, and if they disappoint me then that’s on them; but i’ve gone in with good intentions, expectations and with a good, pure heart

8:15 PM: yes i’m an idiot for putting myself in situations with ‘abs’ where he can take advantage of me, but he is to “blame” for actually doing it 

8:16 PM: i’m never going to apologise for being too nice a person

8:16 PM: that does mean i’m going to be disappointed a lot, but i’ll get past it and move on like i always do

[texts I sent to mc]

That was actually the entire way and reason I came up with the name for this blog, long before I knew I wanted to use it as an actual way of journaling through my emotions at a time like this. The lyric ‘to live for the hope of it all’ by my favourite blonde, despite being in a song about rejection and loss, always encapsulates how I feel about life. The song about some form of teenage love still resonates, and I refuse to lose that sense of innocence and hope going into a romantic, platonic or really any type of situation. Yes, I absolutely could avoid a lot of hurt if I was perhaps a bit more realistic or honest about people and their intentions and goals; but that’s still not the type of person I am. In a world where it’s normal to distrust people, and be harsh and cruel and unattached and ‘nonchalant’, I’ll keep caring (perhaps too much), I’ll keep being open and trusting people and hoping for the best, because that’s the type of person I am. I still refuse to let people harden me and take that away from me. It’s disingenuous of me to pretend I don’t care about people, or don’t yearn or long for them.

When starting whatever happened between ‘abs’ and I, I didn’t for fear of overwhelming and pressuring him when he was unsure; I later realised that it was this very decision of trying to ‘protect’ him from me that made me feel entirely lost with myself. I’m not chill, I’m not easy, I’m not breezy – and I don’t want to be. That’s not the type of person I am and I don’t want to have to pretend to be someone I’m not, ever. Sometimes I do wish I had done things differently from the beginning with him, as I’m sure things would have been completely different; but I can’t blame myself for doing what I thought was best at the time, with the information I had then. I’ve constantly been made to feel like I’m too much for people in the past, which is why I felt I had to hold back with ‘abs’, despite never wanting to. I don’t want to have to, especially with someone I want to actually build a relationship and potentially life with. I think I have to accept two truths: one, he doesn’t care about me nearly as much as he should; two: the first part being true, he’s simply not enough for me at the moment then. I’m going to keep hoping things are magically different in the New Years, knowing damn well I’m probably going to be disappointed; I’m still holding on to that little shred of hope though. That little part of me that knows he’s a good man who could if he wanted to. 

I’d like to continue solidifying who I am as a person in the upcoming year, because I really love the recent discoveries about myself and want to keep having them. I really like the person I’ve become, and want to continue developing that while also changing habits or behaviours that do not serve me.