to love for the hope of it all

just finished watching Bridget Jones’ Diary:

I fear I am still not immune to romantic films and their constant portrayal of grand romantic gestures and people who are meant to be together somehow finding a way. Bridget Jones’ Diary felt eerily relatable to my current situation in life. Although not 32 yet, I feel the urgency of finding my match inevitable. In an ideal situation, ‘abs’ would return from his trip sure as ever about his feelings towards me, even if he did have sex with another woman when there, and would feel the need to make it obvious to me as soon as possible. This will not happen. Life is not a romantic comedy. Life is not a film. This sentiment echoes the song I’ve always loved ‘If This Was a Movie’ by Taylor Swift. If this were a film, he wouldn’t take this long to figure out how he feels. If this were a film, he would return early because he felt he needed to. If this were a film, he would not treat me the way he does and has for an extended period of time. 

I would love to keep blindly hoping that he’ll be sure of me, but it just is not a guarantee and is honestly at this point too much to gamble my happiness on. Having watched the film about personal improvement and finding someone who likes you the way you are clearly only furthers the ‘logical’ part of moving on. It still doesn’t change how I feel.

I keep hoping that continuously telling him how I feel, or overexplaining it would somehow trigger an epiphany of sorts that would make him feel ready to actually explore how he feels. But I suppose I’ve been beaten to it. After longer than a year of texting her, then unblocking her when he’s decided he doesn’t want to be with me, to visiting her impulsively for New Year’s Eve. This is a big romantic gesture. It’s just not for me. I meant it when I said that I hope he finds what he’s looking for there, or at least some clarity. But I think it’s time I start truly accepting that and committing to focus on myself and my own personal growth for my own sake. 

I’m aware that the high of the movie is ongoing and the main reason I’m able to reach this conclusion without really listening to my feelings or what I ‘want’. But if he’s been considering everything logically without emotion, perhaps it’s time I do the same for myself. Or rather, find a way to accept my feelings and truly attempt to move on from them, because ultimately that is probably what is best for me. Growth isn’t linear, something I am reminded of every single day, multiple times.

Having these realisations doesn’t make me feel any differently about him or what I ultimately hope still happens between us. Knowing it’s unrealistic doesn’t save me. Not when he’s still constantly on my mind.