to love for the hope of it all

listening to: right where you left me by taylor swift

Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?

Break-ups happen every day, you don’t have to lose it

She’s still 23 inside her fantasy

And you’re sitting in front of me

At the restaurant, when I was still the one you want

Cross-legged in the dim light, everything was just right

I, I could feel the mascara run

You told me that you met someone

Glass shattered on the white cloth

Everybody moved on

It seems like whatever progress I think I make gets reset after my subconscious goes unmonitored in my sleep (what a fancy way to say that I can’t protect myself in my dreams). Sleeping doesn’t feel like resting at all, when all I can do is toss and turn for hours before finally succumbing to slumber, plagued by imaginary scenarios that will never happen, waking me up at different intervals to torture me about what I’ve done wrong over the last year of my life. I’m so tired. I can feel my body being exhausted from the lack of proper nutrients and fatigue of lack of sleep and yet can’t do anything to help. I’ve restarted long walks in hopes that they tire me out enough to get a good night’s rest, and it exhausts me, but not enough to ensure I sleep in the evenings. I wonder if it’s also because of the bed that’s only ever been shared with one other person since I moved in. Perhaps trying to sleep on the couch tonight will help somewhat, I was almost able to nap yesterday for a little while.

Today just feels bad. I don’t feel hunger, my hands are unbelievably shaky, causing new accidental cuts and bruises to my skin, I need to clean and focus on studying and yet I just feel numb. Not even really hurt or pain, just absolutely nothing. It’s one of those days where it feels like it’ll feel terrible forever with no prospect of anything better, only worsened by my inclination to finally accept the finality of a’bs”s actions and decisions. I’m too tired to even blame myself for anything. It truly feels like that scene in Twilight where Bella just sits at her window and watches time pass. I don’t feel real. I suppose that’s often something I struggle with, but I’m too tired to fight back against it and try to help myself. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo due to my own confliction, perpetually destined to be unsure of what decision to make and how to save myself from my own mind. I’m so tired.