to love for the hope of it all

I just watched the second and third Bridget Jones films. As New Years’ Eve approaches, all I can think about is the fact that ‘abs’ will be kissing another girl to celebrate which literally causes physical discomfort. That being said, god I miss him. I miss looking at his handsome face and into his eyes, and listening to his sometimes silly opinions and his reaction to things. I know I’m not really welcome in his life at the moment as I’m sure he wants to make the most of his time there, or is even frankly not thinking of me. Which truly makes me sad. But he’s on my mind, constantly. Even when things between us are terrible and awkward, I love his presence in my life, his jokes, his smile (especially that stupid grin he does when he catches me smiling at him and returns it). I think I’m just really missing him. I know I shouldn’t, or that continuing to romanticise him in any way is probably just worse for me, but I can’t help it. I adore him. Even though he doesn’t feel remotely the same way, that’s how I feel. I hold so much love for him, including platonically that it just feels weird to not be able to reach out or call or see him, especially right after declaring my love. I can’t help the feeling of hopefulness that accompanies the sadness that comes with thinking about the current situation too much. 

Please let him be sure of me when he gets back. I know he won’t, but if there was ever a time I’d want to get something purely for the reason that I want it badly enough, please let it be him. I don’t even particularly know who I’m addressing or wishing to, I’m just wishing. Please let me loving him be enough, please. I know this isn’t particularly about me, especially with him choosing to spend New Years on a literal different continent with another girl, but please. I know I’ll be okay if he doesn’t, and that time will make everything feel easier, but just let me have what I want, just this once. Please, please, please let me get what I want. 

I have no eloquent words that encapsulate how I feel better than that, at least for the time being.