to love for the hope of it all

It’s currently 8:03 pm as I’m sat alone on my couch waiting for friends to come over to ring in the New Years. Normally, ‘abs’ is the only one who arrives on time, company I dearly miss at the moment. As much as I wish he were here and I’ve been thinking about him today, I can’t help but think about this year and this evening as something much larger. I did so much in 2024. I received my undergraduate diploma and my first postgraduate one; I truly explored London, discovering new boroughs and favourite pubs and favourite restaurants. I’ve made so many friends, either for a short few weeks or that have completely shaped my year and continue to do so. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve loved, I’ve drunk way too much, done things I regret, said things that didn’t need to be said, did things that didn’t need to be done. This is probably the first year it feels like I truly lived. Like I actually made an effort to try things that I’ve wanted to do, go where I wanted to go, see what I wanted to see. It’s been a fucking whirlwind. 

I rediscovered my love for reading, for cooking, for crafts. I’m in the process of defining my personal style and what I like to wear. I’m finding out what I like to do, who I want to be, who I want to surround myself with and what I want for my future. It’s been utterly confusing and exhausting; and yet so exhilarating. I’ve met and adored so many people this year, the most important one has been myself though. I say that and immediately feel the need to write about the love I have for the people in my life at the moment – getting closer to people I’ve known for years and expanding my social circle and friendship group has been the absolute highlight. It’s hard not to be happy when surrounded by people that want what’s best for you, to have a nice time, and to be around you as well. 

As much as I talk about ‘abs’ romantically and perhaps on surface level, his company and friendship this year has helped me rediscover so much about myself in a way that makes it difficult to ever want to stop being in his life. I haven’t had a chance to talk about books, politics, philosophy and values the way I have with him this last year probably ever. It’s allowed me to really think about what I want for myself, form my own opinions on things and explore different viewpoints I never would think to. He’s so interesting, and intelligent, and insightful and I adore how his mind works, truly. I think that’s why I always considered it inevitable that I would fall in love with him, despite how he’s treated me. It’s him. It’s ‘abs’. It’s a sentence and sentiment I find myself repeating far too often, confusing and frustrating those around me – it’s him, it just makes sense that it’s him. I’m unsure about how to feel going into this new year frankly, and what I should be thinking about the situation and him, but that’s not something I’m going to focus on right now.

I adore my life at the moment. From my messy, unfinished flat; to my overflowing, frustrating wardrobe; my lovely, unbelievably irresponsible (at times) friends; my family that always try to make me feel loved and my own willingness to live and try. It’s been a long fucking year, but so worth it. I’m so grateful for everything that has happened, whether painful or joyous at the time, that has led me to the person I am this evening – ready to take on 2025 with love in my heart, prosecco in my glass, and surrounded by friends. 

‘abs’ my love, if you happen to ever be reading this, I’ll be hoping to be your New Year’s kiss next year, like I should have been this year.

Thank you 2024, you were miserable and wonderful all at once, and I cannot wait to see what the new year will bring.