to love for the hope of it all

Last night was probably the longest I’ve slept so far, a full seven hours, still not entirely sure about how restful they actually were. The mood for today starts with the letter d, despair, depressed and distant. I had a nosebleed in the middle of the street on my way home from my massage and after sending a new years message to ‘abs’ – not entirely sure that wasn’t somehow the world punishing me for making a bad decision. What the fuck type of omen or sign is that? A nosebleed? As if I can’t literally feel my body struggling to function without getting the necessary nutrients and sleep.

I am painfully aware of the date. Painfully aware that the man I love is on another continent, ringing in the New Year with another girl that he is probably already in love with. Painfully aware that he’ll kiss her at midnight and be so glad he flew all that way to be with her, already dreading leaving her side in a few days. Painfully aware that I’ll be the last thing on his mind in his moment of joy, while he’s the only thing on mine in my time of sorrow. God that was a dramatic sentence, how cool and well-written. I’m sure that if I fed less into the dramatisation of things I have in my head my life would be significantly better and calmer, alas I am condemned to yearn and long and think of Shakespearean vocabulary to make it all seem more palpable. Perhaps it’s actually just another way for me to disconnect from the reality that is my life, pretending it’s a tragic romance novel, or a film about losing and rediscovering yourself over and over. Maybe that’s where the whole tv show idea I associate with my disassociation comes from – most likely. That being said, that revelation helps absolutely nothing at the moment. I’m not sure anything particularly does. I think things just suck. Oh how quickly I turn to teenage petulance when I can no longer be bothered to deal with my emotions.

I’m unsure of my plans for tonight, as seemingly nobody is in the mood to ring in a new year either. I’m positive I’ll write again at some point before midnight, my last message to myself in 2024.