to love for the hope of it all

I wonder just how far into my childhood I would have to look to understand why being ignored triggers such an intense feeling of shame, embarrassment and disappointment. I suspect it has to do with my father’s lack of attention to me my entire life, despite my mum trying to overcompensate for it. I suppose that’s how it is when two incompatible people, however much they may have seemed compatible at first, must raise children together and one of them just does not put in any effort. I wonder if that’s the future I’m dooming myself to. Of constant disappointment. It’s a thought I often ponder when trying to understand what I want for my life and trying to imagine what my future looks like. Frankly, I’m too tired to delve deeper into the sadness of my psyche at the moment. I just feel unsure, nervous and exhausted. 

This is the main problem with my overthinking and why I constantly feel the need to distract myself – I had a lovely time out with people tonight, attempting to play monopoly, and yet coming home just makes me feel so empty. It no doubt has to do with the emptiness of the apartment itself, and knowing that I’m the only one responsible and who can put it and myself in order. I’m the only one who can drag myself out of the pits of my emotions, despite how much I desperately want help. I think it’s time for me to get some rest before what will be, I’m sure, a long and confusing day tomorrow with ‘dc”s event.