to love for the hope of it all

I crave company but push people away; I desire love but am terrified of it; I long for something greater without knowing what it is. What am I? Confused. 

What a fun melodramatic first few lines for an evening that frankly is much needed. Evenings like these where I’m just sat on the couch relaxing with no real intention to be productive just make me wish I had somebody to do it with. Not even in a particularly romantic sense. Just some company, sit in the quiet or watch a film / show and enjoy the laid back moment. That being said, part of me is also relieved by the silence of everything that isn’t the show I have on right now, and the fact that I can just sit here in my pyjamas without needing to talk to anyone or do anything. Perhaps it is time I get a lil cat to keep me company – it would do me a lot of good, despite how worried I am about taking care of it. I suppose this is just another example of how conflicting my desires are sometimes. I want somebody or at least something to spend time with, I desperately want to take care of someone but am also just terrified at this point. 

I think that’s part of why I was so withdrawn in my approach to the situation with ‘abs’, worried about what I thought he wanted and what I should do rather than what I actually wanted to. There’s just always been a lot of pressure surrounding us, at least in my opinion, especially with everyone in our friend group being somewhat involved. I think that’s a huge reason I keep holding on to the possibility of an ‘us’ again, because it truly does feel like neither of us were particularly genuine in our approach to it and that things would work perfectly between us if we actually both tried. I suppose the issue with that is that he has made it clear that it isn’t something he would like to do, so I guess I’m just hoping that changes at some point. I don’t think continuing to yearn, long and ‘wait’ is the worst idea. I know it may not be the smartest for myself and my life, but it kinda reminds me of my own criticisms about modern society – people want everything, as soon as possible, and move onto another thing the second they don’t get it. I don’t particularly want to just move on rather than actually believe in my instinct that there might genuinely be something real between us. The confliction lays in what I want versus what I think I should do. 

I don’t find it particularly easy to trust my own instincts as of late. I have a feeling it may be linked to my perception of my own mental health since my teenage years – the guilt from not knowing what to do between my parents, never being sure what the best way to fit in with friends and at school is, and since I turned eighteen what I’m supposed to do with my life. I often am sure of my decision of pursuing law as it’s something I adore and feel I’m good at, and allows me to actually make some form of difference in the world. I wonder if it’s a reflection of a deep-seated need to prove myself to everyone, including myself; seems extremely likely frankly. I think I just want to feel useful and needed, potentially a main reason and motivation for wanting to have kids, seemingly in a rush for absolutely no reason. I keep hoping that getting older, and learning things that I’ll somehow figure out who I am, what I want and what I should be doing to achieve it. So far, not quite what I was expecting. It is however really interesting to keep discovering things about myself, even if they are hard to deal with sometimes. I think that’s probably enough deep thinking for the evening as I’m lacking sleep and should probably eat something.