to love for the hope of it all

Sometimes you just need a nice night out, too many drinks, too many drugs, surrounded by friends – that was last night. Apparently in 2025 I just try things because I trust the people I’m with, which is actually quite nice. I was feeling extremely rough this morning, no doubt exacerbated by my few hours of sleep; in a tale as old as time, throwing up what little I had in my system was honestly a godsend. The comedown from the (copious, at least for me) cocaine is not as brutal as I expected today, which begs the question about my general level of happiness recently, if a comedown that usually causes suicidal ideation or at least some form of depressing internal reflection has little effect on me at this point. I think I’m just thinking about my brother and family too much, and my very internalised guilt about the situation to really focus on anything at the moment. 

Finally spoke to ‘abs’ on the phone literally just now and it’s so nice to hear about his trip and just chat, worrying about it made me forget just how easy it is to be friends with him and just,,, talk. I’m hoping I’m going to be able to keep food down today, because so far it’s just not been working or helping at all. I might write more in the evening but I think I’m just tired and don’t want to focus on my thoughts really.