to love for the hope of it all

I fear this entry is just going to be self-loathing, regret and a bit of desperation mixed in. I suppose nobody really stays. Not around me at least, not for me. I feel like my entire life has been revolving doors of people coming into my life, adoring and using me for whatever they can, whatever serves them until deciding that I have nothing left to offer and leaving. I’m not even sure where the fuck these feelings are coming from right now, besides just feeling lonely. People want me around when I serve a purpose to them – financially, entertainment based on shitty things I put myself through, company because nobody else is available; but nobody wants to actually stay after. Nobody wants to be there when I’m the one who needs help, not really; not more than just asking how I’m doing on a night out, or trying to get more information about a situation I’ve created (romantic in nature). It feels like my entire life has been trying to prove to people that I’m worth making an effort, worth the hassle, worth the occasional difficulty of being in their life and it just isn’t working, ever. I still feel like a teenager begging for people to give a shit, knowing I’m throwing out signal after signal, asking for help discreetly – the only way I know how to; and yet it’s not working. 

I don’t know if I’m destined for a life of just feeling like second best to everybody, if I’m even lucky enough to be in contention in the first place. I’m terrified that I am. That this is what it’s always going to be like. I can’t seem to keep friends in my life for very long, always feeling like the personal growth both of us are doing doesn’t align in any way, and wanting to leave before they do. God knows I can’t maintain a healthy relationship for longer than a few years, putting up with far too much early on and setting up a pattern of disappointment for myself that eventually gets too overwhelming to deal with when things really get to get serious and long term commitment is mentioned. I can’t stay happy. The only conclusion I can reach is that there must be something inherently wrong with me. As a person, as a human, as an entity in the galaxy. Am I just meant to feel pain, in varying forms, constantly? I keep adapting to thing after thing and trying to glue myself back together after all of the damage but I’m not sure I have the strength to anymore. It’s so exhausting feeling like I’ll never really be good enough for anyone. It makes trying to stay positive and hopeful impossible. There are so many situations where I regret my actions and the outcome they caused, cutting out or losing someone important in my life, but I don’t think anyone ever regrets losing me. 

It’s hard to believe that I’m meant to feel more than this when I never have. I don’t know how to let people love me when it includes letting them in completely; when it comes to trusting they’ll still be there after learning everything about me; because the truth is that nobody ever does. Nobody stays. Nobody thinks I’m worth the effort. I desperately try to prove and convince people that I am, but I have no leg to stand on, no magical argument that makes it true; it doesn’t seem to be. 

Combat, I’m ready for combat

I say I don’t want that, but what if I do?

‘Cause cruelty wins in the movies

I’ve got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you

Easy they come, easy they go

I jump from the train, I ride off alone

I never grew up, it’s getting so old

Help me hold onto you

I’ve been the archer

I’ve been the prey

Who could ever leave me, darling?

But who could stay? (The Archer, Taylor Swift)

I’m still on that tightrope

I’m still trying everything to get you laughing at me

I’m still a believer but I don’t know why

I’ve never been a natural

All I do is try, try, try

I’m still on that trapeze

I’m still trying everything

To keep you looking at me (mirrorball, Taylor Swift)

And I sound like an infant

Feeling like the very last drops of an ink pen

A greater woman stays cool

But I howl like a wolf at the moon

[…]

A greater woman has faith

But even statues crumble if they’re made to wait

I’m so afraid I sealed my fate

No sign of soulmates

I’m just a paperweight in shades of greige

Spending my last coin so someone will tell me it’ll be okay

Please I’ve been on my knees

Change the prophecy

Don’t want money

Just someone who wants my company

Let it once be me

Who do I have to speak to

About if they can redo the prophecy? (The Prophecy, Taylor Swift).

I suppose it makes sense that it’s the trifecta of songs I feel most represent my desperation for just, something. Something that makes me feel like I’m not a mess of a human being who actually deserves love and people around her. I don’t even want to be around myself most of the time, so I do get it; I just wish it weren’t the case.