to love for the hope of it all

It’s been a really long day. I didn’t even really realise the date until I started writing this – most of my close female friends I have since drifted apart from are born on January 6th, and I wonder if that’s why I’ve been feeling like shit all day. At this point there could be about a million different reasons wy, including barely sleeping last night because I couldn’t fall asleep. I may need to start sleeping on the couch if I’m just going to keep tossing and turning and feeling the emptiness of my bed, because it’s exhausting to barely sleep a few hours, get dressed and just start my day. This morning felt horrendous, walking to class and around the city like a corpse that’s been made to put on clothes and get done up for an open casket, trudging along with my day waiting to feel better – admittedly, I did by the time I was walking home. I wonder if some form of delayed comedown just threw me off completely, but it’s much more likely to be the lack of sleep and actual nutrients. So far, I’ve been able to keep down a bowl of pasta from two hours ago, but I still find it difficult to want to eat, and thus to eat point blank. I think I just worried my mum talking about it on the phone, so I’ll go back to keeping my terrible habits to myself. 

I have the most important academic few weeks coming up until the end of February, and yet my mind feels so unclear and foggy. I can’t help thinking about ‘abs’, worrying about my family (and especially my brother) and honestly about myself a little bit. I know that time heals all, and things will pass and solve themself and everything, but at the moment it’s just tiring to go through. I worry about ‘abs’ and how he’s doing without a real chance to actually talk to him about it (at least so far) because of how strange things are between us. It’ll be quite nice to see him over the weekend and hear more about his travels – it sounds like he had a lovely time, and if I ignore the soul-shattering thoughts behind it (dramatic) and the company he chose, I’m so glad that he went and enjoyed himself. Frankly I have too much on my mind to even attempt to fully process things, especially wanting to avoid just making assumptions without talking to him and letting my thoughts run amok. It’s been extremely entertaining to start using more intricate language that I don’t really have the chance to anymore as I no longer write essays for university. It’s been really nice to have some form of creative outlet, although I know that revealing my inner dialogue is not necessarily a good idea. I suppose it will do for the moment and help ease the feeling of not being able to talk to anyone about things on my mind. 

I’m so unbelievably worried about academics, and it comes in waves of extreme, intense anxiety that just feels overwhelming, to complete calm, thinking that I have more than enough time to revise and get everything done. I reckon a balance of both is probably healthiest – so perhaps I’ll get there this week. I must completely focus on my exams for the next two weeks, despite everything else on my mind, so we’ll find out just how successful I am.