to love for the hope of it all

I think it’s time I finally trust my own judgment above all else. Everyone seems to want to “help” but that always involves ‘hard truths’ and not much else. I don’t need to be told over and over how illogical I’m acting, because I frankly could not give less of a shit – I most definitely am, for what it’s worth, but who the fuck cares? I’m human, I have emotions, I’m allowed to act off them and do what I want. It doesn’t actually concern anybody besides myself and ‘abs’.

Very quick side note: Jean-Marie Le Pen died??? Today is a goddamn beautiful day. Trump next please.

Getting back to it: there are certain things I need to focus on for my future, such as my health and education; but I can do absolutely everything else I want so long as I’m fulfilling my responsibilities. I let my anxiety hold me back far too much, worried about people pleasing and other people’s opinions; but I’m just sick of it. I’m happy to make my own mistakes and face the consequences of them, so long as I’m doing what I want to do. I’ve never given myself the opportunity to before. At this point, I know where I stand. I have a number of things I want to do to better myself over the next few months, including focusing on my health (sleep and nutrition) and making sure I actually pass these life-defining exams over the next few weeks. I think I forgot a basic fundamental I used to operate on – what’s meant to be, will. Just like my last few years in Montreal setting up my future before I actually moved to London, there are specific things that need to get done; but otherwise I’m supposed to just enjoy my life. I’m supposed to make mistakes and be dumb and feel and live. I think I worried so much about things with ‘abs’ and doing the ‘right’ thing constantly that I forgot to just be myself. 

I suspect that the things I want to improve on in my life are the main reasons he doesn’t see me as a long-term prospect, and I completely understand that. I’d be lying if I said I was ready for any of the things I know that I want. He’s not exactly fit for anything long-term as it stands either. I focus so much on finding what I’m ‘looking for’ rather than focusing on myself, who I want to be, and what I have to do to accomplish it. I’d like to lose weight, I’d like to be less messy, I’d like to have a more normal relationship with food and manage my anxiety better. I have many flaws, as everyone does, but I’m also very close to being happy with myself. I’m a good daughter, good girlfriend and one day, will be a good wife and mother – not anytime in the very near future hopefully. I’m not ready yet. I truly feel like there could be something good between ‘abs’ and I; but as it stands, there is no possibility of a relationship we’d both be happy to without change from both of us – he’s already said he’s not particularly ready to do that, or at least not with me. I think a big part of why I can’t just walk away from the situation is the potential I see for both of us, but I keep neglecting the changes I need to make to get the future that I actually want. Ideally, at least for the time being, it would be with him but I have no intention of forcing or pressuring anything between us. 

I don’t think I intend on having a long, serious conversation with him anytime in the near future. I’m far too busy with my own things, and I honestly think I’ve said everything there is to be said. If he redevelops feelings, or decides to actually deal with how he feels about me in a mature, real way, then great. Over the last year, a lot of the personal development  goals I built were to try to be the ideal partner for him – admittedly, and well unfortunately for me, most of that lines up with the ‘ideal’ person that I want to be (just another reason I do think things between us could be amazing if we actually genuinely tried). I forgot that I was supposed to be doing it for myself and not somebody else though. I want to be a better person, not so that people like me, but because I’d like to be happier with myself. I want to continue being proud of myself. I want to continue collecting achievements that I’ve wanted my whole life. I want to build a life for myself that looks the way I’ve always dreamed, while adjusting to my own changes in taste and vision. I have an idea of who I want to be at 25. I will achieve it. I’ve always done absolutely everything I’ve put my mind to. It’s time to refocus on my goals. 

I wanted to attend McGill, I spent my last year of high school focusing on academics and easily got in. I wanted to move to London, I completed my degree in Montreal despite all of the family issues I had, made the decision to be realistic about my financials and future with my family and attempted to fix the relationship with my father. When I lost all of my close friends after being overlooked by the sorority for the millionth time, I pursued my interests I never had before, found a D&D group and made friends and memories that I wouldn’t change for the world. I’ve always rebuilt myself – ‘better’, more ambitious and stronger.

I hate that I have to be, but perhaps this is just what life is really. Wanting things, trying to get them, realising along the way that it’s not going to happen or you don’t want them anymore; and just adapting. I chose who I am. I want to feel more educated? Reading and research. I want to feel more comfortable with my body? Proper nutrition, better health and working out. I want to be tidied or more disciplined? Build a routine. I want to feel more put together? Build a wardrobe that aligns with it and upkeep maintenance habits. I’ve only become a better version of myself over time, and right now and especially until my 25th birthday will be no exception to it. I’m sick of disliking myself. I’m sick of wondering what my life would be like and how it would feel to actually have the things that I want. It’s time to do what I have to in order to achieve what I want, and just fucking enjoy everything else. I’m meant to enjoy life. It’s time I do. Which includes trusting my own instincts rather than constantly asking people for their opinions and letting it influence me.

It’s crazy what actually eating food and getting some sleep, sunlight, a morning pilates class and fresh air does. I’m still going to keep hoping things turn out the way I want them to with ‘abs’, because I refuse to pretend to be someone I’m not – I’m much too hopeful as a person, I care too much about him, I yearn for him. That’s how I am in love. It’s not for everyone, especially if the person wants something surface level, but it’ll be for someone. I know it will because I exist. I hope it is for him, but if it’s not then it’s not. I’m going to keep building on the foundation of myself that I adore so far – 2025 and being 25 are going to be amazing, because I’m going to make sure they are, the same way I made sure last year was.