to love for the hope of it all

The difference a good night’s rest makes in my mood cannot be ignored any longer. It genuinely removes too much of my anxiety and uncertainty of myself in such a staggering way that I must finally start incorporating a good routine that actually lets me start the day with as much joy and energy as possible.

‘mc’ and I are having an intense conversation about feelings and life, and where normally I feel uncertainty and just general unease at the topic being brought up because I feel so disconnected from my own wants and desires – I don’t. I think the conversation with Mom about it last night also helped. I feel sure enough in my own understanding of my current self (you can tell I’ve gone through therapy and learnt the terms) to not spiral into questioning every single decision I make. I think a bit thing that I constantly overthink is whether or not I’m interpreting a situation correctly, either because I worry I’m reading into it too much, or perhaps not even enough and thus rely on other people’s opinions far too much. In all honesty, I did that anyway with the apartment my dad sent me and launched into a full conversation about it with ‘mc’; but I think I’m allowed to do that while still figuring everything out. I deserve some grace. I think by constantly acknowledging my anxiety and how it impairs my judgment and interpretation of things over the last few years, something I especially learnt to do in Montreal, I’ve sorta discredited myself in my own eyes. I realise that I write off a lot of my more emotional or worried thoughts as being part of my anxiety and inherently unhelpful to consider rather than try to work through to find the truth behind it. 

I’m still in the middle of the conversation with ‘mc’ and it’s throwing off my own thoughts as we’re debating something else completely. I echo a sentiment I think I’ve previously shared in this journal – I wish I had kept things between ‘abs’ and I, actually between just the two of us rather than involving other people and opinions. From the beginning I’ve just been defending myself, him and everything, and I’m so tired of it. I know the reaction should be to just push me away from him and the situation but I feel it’s having the opposite effect. I desperately wish I had, from the beginning, let this be something that we figure out without external influence; but I just wasn’t able to or didn’t know how to because of my own need for affirmation in my actions, unable to actually trust myself in it. It’s impossible to go back in time and change anything, so I suppose what I’d ideally want is a start over. I don’t actually think that’s very realistic either, for either of us, but at this exact moment in time, I can’t really focus on that either.

These exams in the next few weeks define what the next few years of my life will look like. They define this year in particular, but also my career and basically everything else. The actual realisation of that keeps me up at night and stresses me beyond explanation; but I also can’t ignore everything else going on in my life (keeping the apartment clean – it’s not; eating – I barely am; sleeping – I barely am). I need to find it in myself to really just focus on this for the time being. I may write again later in the evening.