to love for the hope of it all

the prodigal daughter returns.

after an unexpected but needed hiatus, i find myself drawn back to this space and in the larger sense, the analysis of my thoughts and feelings. january felt neverending, but february oftens brings new levels of madness and emptiness that i completely forget about until they return. i’m sure there’s some very deeply-rooted reason for it, but i think i can simplify it quite easily to still a bunch of shit going on in my life that i constantly have to deal with.

i adore writing in purely lowercase, i must admit. i think it brings a weird sort of aesthetic that genuinely brings me joy – some strange, surface-level poetry vibe that reasonates with me despite always being terrible at poetry and never quite understanding it. prose, in all of its glory, makes infinitely more sense to me with the level of detail and sentences sprawling hundreds of pages; rather than trying to fit all of the emotions a person is feeling in three, weird iambic-metered lines.

i always find the beginning of the year the most uncomfortable, having to deal i suppose with the consequences of the end of the previous year, but even more than that: the changes it brings. the indecision i often detest in others seems to be extremely prevalent in myself nowadays. more than simply being unsure about my own decisions and thoughts, it seems more difficult than ever to be in sync with the world around me – it feels like while i’m existing in the same time and space to everything else, i’m on a completely different line in some sort of wavelength / timeline existence, and i’m waiting until i inevitably join it back. i think the word for that is lost. i feel lost.

i’m not entirely positive as to why frankly, as i feel like most of the things in my life are actually somewhat objectively settled; but i don’t seem to be. i think this might genuinely be the most frustrating state of mind to find myself in: ___. i have to take a moment to actually consult the wheel of feelings i have saved in my phone in an attempt to try to name exactly what i’m feeling. following the chart, i often struggle to even start trying to quantify how i feel at this exact moment: happy? no. surprised? no. bad? yes. fearful? maybe. angry? no. disgusted? no. sad? yes. how am i meant to put a finger on the actual emotion i feel when i’m meant to be detailing a general feeling i also can’t pinpoint? years of intellectualising emotions, particuarly over these last few months, seem to have really taken its toll on me.

i think i like the word despair a lot. it’ll go away, but i think that’s the best word for it right now at least. i may continue to write later.