to love for the hope of it all

i like to think that i’ve gotten better at managing my feelings, and even more importantly, my expectations of others; but it’s days like these i’m not entirely sure. i don’t know what i’m meant to be doing, what i’m meant to be feeling or even what i’m meant to be wanting. i don’t know what i want. every time i think i have an idea i’m proven wrong.

‘realising i over romanticised the whole thing and we were nothing’

apparently any generic social media post is enough to get me spiraling recently. but i suppose this one strikes a nerve as all i’ve heard from the beginning is that i’ve made everything into a much bigger thing that it ever was. and i guess the simple truth is that i don’t really mean anything to a.b.s., or ever did. the ‘us’ and ‘we’ concepts i had were just figments of my imagination, things i wanted rather than actually existed. i don’t even know that i genuinely believe that. i don’t really know what to believe anymore.

i was going to say that i imagine life isn’t meant to be this difficult and confusing but realised that actually this is exactly what people talk about. realising that your 20s are kinda terrible because you have so little knowledge of the world and yet have to navigate it alone has been a very tiring experience. that being said, i don’t think love is supposed to be this painful and exhausting. i know i pride myself on my intuition and trust in myself and the person i’m dealing with but i wonder if my self-preservation techniques are ever going to kick in and save me anytime soon. how do you love somebody who doesn’t want to be loved? how do you take care of someone who doesn’t want to open up to you? is it even possible? is it realistic to hope someone’s preconceived notions about you change because you show them support and try your best to be there for him? does it even particularly matter for men?

i fear i’ve watched far too much sex and the city over the last two days while cleaning my apartment. i suppose i should be taking some of the storylines as lessons as they remain pertinent in today’s dating scene; but all it’s done is made me wish things were different with a.b.s.

in all fairness, this week is potentially the worst time to overthink the situation when nothing negative has actually happened between us and he has so much going on. i think i’m just finally gradually coming to terms with the fact that the minimum i’ve been given over the last few months might not be enough for me anymore. i don’t know how much more i can keep justifying for the sake of my romantic feelings.

i think i need to prioritise sleep and rest. it always majorly affects my mood when i don’t get enough sleep. i feel like my mind has just been racing for weeks with no end or pause in sight. normally the whole point of going out on weekends is the distraction, and admittedly friday night was probably the most fun i’ve had in months; but i’ve just spent the weekend worried about a.b.s., school and holding myself back from interactions i might want to have but don’t want to impose. i was doing so well at not walking on eggshells with him anymore but i think all that progress may have been totaled. the exceptional circumstances might justify it though – i suppose only time will tell.