to love for the hope of it all

it’s been a long time coming. i’ve tried delaying the inevitable but i’m waining in my efforts because of the consistent lack of respect. i suppose i always knew this would be the outcome, as confident as i am, or at least was, in my affirmations that we could’ve truly been something amazing if he put in even a smidge of real fucking effort. from the beginning there’s been a disconnect, between who he actually is; and who i thought he was. as hard as i tried, i don’t think those things ever reconciled in a meaningful way to impact us.

i used to joke on it bittersweetly ‘it’s my fault for assuming thinking he’s a good person who cared about me!’; but i suppose i am actually to blame for that. i thought that he had somehow broken down barriers i had put up around myself after james because i was scared of trusting someone again, but i think the reality was that i was so desperate to be happy again, and feel cared for, that i clung onto every single action and lie that came out of his mouth. i pardoned his hesitancy from the beginning, blaming the ‘inexperience’ rather than doubting him in the slightest.

nowadays i find myself reminiscing about the ‘old abs’ or at least the relationship we had at the time; but i’m not sure that any of it can actually be classified as real. from the first second, i wasn’t the only person being strung along. i was never a first option or a real contender for his affection. i always get so hurt at the fact that i’m now only a toy to play with when bored, something you don’t want unless you have nothing else to do; but i think i’ve always been.

i always tried so hard to avoid actually feeling anger, not only because it would complicated my social relationships, but because i wanted to believe in the good in him. that none of it was malicious or purposefully deceitful. that none of it was meant to hurt me. that he could be trusted.

as much as i know i continue to harbour love for him; the hurt has gotten impossible to ignore. try as i might, to horribly shocking degrees, to ignore the feelings of disappointment and disdain, they persist. they persist as he gives me no reason to believe in him anymore.

i claim to no longer believe in the concept of regret, opting to consider every experience as positive in some degree; but i lament about the time that i have wasted trying to understand and love somebody who never wished to receive it. my love, my understanding, my respect, my words, my actions, my time, my money, my emotions and most of all my compassion have been wasted on somebody who has never cared about me in the slightest.

as hurtful as that thought is to entertain, leading cause for my confusion and denial so far, it seems the most fitting. it is impossible for him to have every cared about me, and simultaneously treat me the way he has.

he was never to be trusted, understood or loved. and i will pursue my best attempts to remember that in the future. with a heavy heart. and forever wishing that things could have had different results.

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unfortunately i’m not sure i can trust myself to actually act in a manner reflecting this thought process. i don’t feel he’s given me much of a choice anymore. i suppose it isn’t impossible for things to change now onwards, yet holding on to that tiny shred of hope; of change; is what has tortured me over the last year. time will tell i suppose, as always. the best i can do going forward is protect myself. i aim to write more consistently.