to love for the hope of it all

i always reprimand people for their inability to make day-to-day decisions regarding food, or even just where to go. i reprimand myself for my inability to make decisions and stick to them; constantly wondering if i’m making the right choice. refusing to regret things has led me to be far too hesitant about determining the right path for myself.

i’m trying to not let my failure on my exams completely derail me. i’m not sure it’s working though. i’ve been avoiding even mentioning it since i learnt yesterday because i don’t know how to deal with the effect it has on me. i smoked for the first time last night since during covid and the lack of thought was so incredibly welcome. i wasn’t thinking about abs, i wasn’t thinking about my failed exams, i wasn’t thinking about my future or myself. i was existing as a random human being.

i continue to manifacture explanations and excuses for the way i’m being treated. most likely because it’s just a lot easier to deal with. i can put aside the hurt and disrespect i feel for his sake. which putting into actual words on a page is so disappointing. m.c. goes on about my lack of self respect (always great to hear! always!!!) but i don’t know how to express that it’s an abundance of love and not lack of it for myself. i thought i was doing a good job letting go of the idea of this all being good for me, but i’m not sure how to do that when i still think of him so positively. i can’t bring myself to stay mad.

i once read that people treat and love others in the way that they would like to be treated and loved. i’ve never met a single person who has to try as hard as i do to be treated well or be loved. it seems to come so easily to everybody else. like there’s an inate good in people that i somehow lack. i suppose this just repeats the worry i’ve had for as long as i can remember that something is rotten inside of me. that something is wrong with me. there must be or it would be this difficult for people to even tolerate me.

the self-loathing is just magnified with the exam results. that no matter how hard i try, i can’t achieve the things that i want. i can’t find a long term partner that wants to spend their life with me. i can’t suceed in the field i want to go into. the good thing at least is that i can add the excuse that i simply haven’t applied myself enough to soothe the pain of the exams. i can’t for the former statement.

i wonder if the general loneliness i feel is just a fabric of my imagination or simply linked to the distance between abs and i. or even just in a larger sense the distance i feel between what i want and myself. i always try to figure out if i mourn him, or the concept of him and what he represented; and i am still unable to really make the distinction. i’m not sure if my feelings are limited to my perception of him or not. there was a time i was completely positive that it was simply him as an individual.

i’ve returned to feeling lost. or rather i don’t know if it ever stopped. perhaps i do run away and ignore my problems. i let myself feel the negative emotions but don’t actually deal with them in any way i suppose. i’ve never even really tried to fix my eating and sleeping patterns after they were disrupted during the holidays. i think i just attribute it to a general decline in myself.