to love for the hope of it all

i’m slightly inebriated. although i suppose recently it’s more of a question of when am i not.

i’ve been very strangely calm over the last few days. i keep hoping for the feeling to pass but i wonder if this may just be the new normal. i’m not entirely sure how to feel about things, honestly. things feel so inherently different with abs after talking to his sister and spending time with his family, and yet i know that it’s also most likely a one-sided feeling. i think a big part is that knowing the magnitude of what’s going on in his life makes it so difficult to even hold an opinion on us right now. it’s just not the moment to figure out things between us. we’re the last of the worries to be had. as much as i want to be there for him, i also have no clue how to.

i wondered if the only reason i ‘started’ something with someone else was some sort of unconscious ‘revenge’ for the christmas trip he took, but i think i realised most importantly that nobody could ever really compare to the way that i feel with him. nobody quite ever compares to him. flawed as he may be. it’s simply him. i think the recent feeling of calm may simply be coming from accepting that once again and just living with the feeling. i don’t know much else but that i love him.

i have so many other adult responsabilities to deal with at the moment, but i also can’t bring myself to care about them. i don’t know that i have the will to deal with anything really at the moment. things are just as they are. time will tell. things will either work themselves out or they won’t i guess. we’ll see.

i wonder if i’m happy with myself as a person. i still don’t feel quite deserving of good things. i think it’s partly because i know i have a tendency to find a reason to leave those things when i do happen to have them.

i felt trapped as a teenager, and dreamt of nothing more than escaping and finding my own way through things. i always ran away when things got particularly difficult. now i find myself unable to really let go of things, although that nostalgic aspect of myself has always existed. i think the simple truth is that i don’t really want to get over or move past this situation because of my own beliefs on the future. i still do think there’s a future for us two. i have no clue if i’m right, but i’d like to think that i am.

again, only time will tell. i think my calm comes from just knowing that things will turn out the way they will no matter what i do. the feeling of helplessness has evolved into something more i suppose.