to love for the hope of it all

i don’t remember the last time i wrote this early. i suppose sitting at a pub alone for over an hour does this to a person.

i asked a.b.s. to call me yesterday because i needed reassurance about my choices regarding us, and he never called despite saying he would. i would guess it serves as the perfect answe to my question of whether or not i’m simply wasting my time when it comes to us. it somehow doesn’t. my brain doesn’t really let it. i find it borderline impossible to truly fault him for anything it seems. i’d make a perfect life partner for him with this lack of self-respect.

i miss when love felt easy. when everything with him wasn’t so complicated. when i was just me and he was just him and things were simple. they never felt quite as simple as they did with him. and yet here we are.

nothing feels simple anymore. not sleeping or waking up, or eating, or living really. not in some life-ending dramatic way where i yearn for the end; but just, objectively. i feel i’ve lost a lot more this year than i realise. i never really re-developed the will to take care of myself. or developed it in the first place i suppose. my default has been self-harm for much longer than i actually realise. i enjoy putting myself through difficult situations in hopes of coming out of it. actually, i’m not quite sure why i do it to myself. i was going to say that i don’t think it’s on purpose but that seems untrue. i don’t really know why i feel the need to put myself through it. i know that life and love aren’t really supposed to be easy ever, but i make it even more unbearable for myself.

i’ll call a.b.s. later. i don’t know whether i can find it in myself to break the harmful patterns i know i follow. i keep being reminded recently that i should, but i think i’m kinda afraid of whatever consequences it would bring. i think i may be scared of being happy. i’m worried that even if all the circumstances were ‘perfect’, i’m still going to find a way to feel unhappy because there’s something wrong with me deep down. i’ll update later.