to love for the hope of it all

i haven’t written in a good while. i’m not quite sure if that’s because i haven’t felt the need, or because i’ve been ignoring thinking about my feelings and thoughts recently – i’m fairly certain it’s an unhealthy mix of both. i wrote in a diary sometime last year that i have difficulty journaling or keeping written track in some form of times i feel happy as i seem to not really trust those feelings enough. it’s like i delude myself into being happy in whatever circumstances are occurring simply because i want to, or that’s what i thought at some point.

i think it’s something else entirely, testament to the fact that i haven’t really written as of late. i think i’m quite terrified of when things are going well and i’m happy because i feel like i’m waiting for the other shoe to drop – for the devastating event to occur; for the terrible news to be heard. i don’t document when i’m happy because it’s too sad to revisit once things have turned sour.

in a happy summary of the last few weeks: my parents’ divorce was settled, i got my master’s in legal practice, things have been going really well with a.b.s., i’ll legally be allowed to stay in the uk for another two years and thus move, i’m all around quite happy.

i believe the ‘going really well’ part is the only uncertain part that looms. as things improve i’m having to face deep-rooted fears and worries of my own – albeit some planted there by him; and figure out what i really want. it’s no longer as easy as ‘a relationship no matter what it looks like’. that being said, i know he’s truly making an effort since we last had a conversation about it and genuinely taking what i say into account. i think the main worry is that it’s all going to get blown off again under the guist of ‘trying it but not really working’. i’m so scared that at some point he turns around and finally concludes that he doesn’t think i’m worth the effort. on a completely separate note, i still have no clue about communication with anyone else – namely, the mystery woman in south korea, as i’m genuinely terrified to ask. i know he’ll answer honestly and i don’t know if that makes it better or worse (definitely better, i do love that he’s always truthful about those sorts of things).

i’m so happy with how things have been recently and feel he’s really keeping an open-mind and making an effort. i’m just scared of getting too happy about it and ending up disappointed again. i can’t put myself through another low period (that’s putting it extremely lightly for what it was) with my last retake of the sqe coming up. frankly i can’t deal with it all again. the utter humiliation and embarassment. i think that’s why i haven’t told anyone that things have been going better recently, and by extension why i haven’t written about it. journaling about the joy it brings just gives me something to look back on and miss once it goes away. god how cynical of me.

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otherwise, it really does feel like everything is falling into place recently, as i expected it to once springtime started. the romance might be as well and i’m just being more cautious about it than usual, which is ultimately a good thing (probably?). i’ve been making an effort to really study for this exam and give it everything that i can while maintaining my friendships, relationships with family, my house in a good state and most importantly my mental health.

i should be going on more walks. i’m trying to explore why my body feels so off this week and i fear the simple answer might just be that my period is coming soon. i’d like to try switching up some of my eating habits to see if small changes can help feel better physically. i’ve honestly been feeling quite fulfilled otherwise.

i adore my friendships, a.b.s. included and have accepted that my weekdays are going to be filled with painful but necessary studying. it’ll be worth it in a few months. i need to be better with consistency and discipline.

i’m really happy with the person i’ve become and continue to grow into. i could be doing better i suppose, making strides in areas i know i’m lacking; but i’m also living the life i dreamt for myself when i was younger. i’m achieving the goals i set for myself, albeit slowly and gradually. i’m surrounded by good people and making efforts to continue setting myself up for success. i’d like to do that with a.b.s. at my side and figure out what works for us, but i’m fine to do it alone. i hate the cliche of ending it on such a high and positive note (i really shouldn’t, i should just be glad i can), but i’m going to end on a lil taylor swift lyric:

“So make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it
You’ve got no reason to be afraid.”

i shall return to my studying (well, finishing up for the evening) in order to settle into bed with a nice tea and continuing to read the fountainhead.