to love for the hope of it all

neither of us seems to be able to stick to our word about ending us. i don’t mind.

everytime i think that we’ve finally reached our natural end, it only seems to strengthen things enough to keep it aflame. with fire comes the risk of burn, and although i’ve never liked the heat or considered myself as much of a risk-taker, that may not be the case when it comes to you.

how extremely poetic and far too grandiose for the experience of the last few days. i always reprimand myself for being unable to focus on the positive in the world in case it goes away, but that’s never quite the case with a.b.s. i give chance after chance after chance, not for lack of a backbone or discipline or some other lame excuse; but because i simply don’t want to let it go.

being able to enjoy a film and a brief lil time on a videogame was really quite lovely. i think the thing i miss most about one-on-one time isn’t the romantic aspect of it, but rather the opportunity to just talk about whatever, whenever we want to without being redirected or reprimanded by others. i continue to repeat a sentiment i’ve held from our first meeting: even if this isn’t meant to be some great romance, it’s a grand friendship – it’s been really nice to have someone match me on an intellectual, academic level again. i haven’t gotten the opportunity to really explore certain life questions or points of view since my undergraduate degree and i truly missed it.

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things with m.c. only seem to be getting more tense and confrontational as time goes by and i’m not quite sure what to make of it. i think more than anything the process of laying boundaries and voicing opinions i’ve been practicing in the new year seems to be getting in the way of our friendship. i’m certain there’s some negative conclusion to be drawn from that but i’d rather chalk it up to present tensions in personal life.

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i’m really pleased with the progress i’m making in my studies. i’ve been doing what i must to finally pass this exam and i’m proud of myself. i keep trying not to let my fear of failure hinder me, and i’d like to think i’m doing quite well at the moment! i just need to keep doing it and stick to my scheduling as best as possible.

in the same vein, i think it would do me wonders to reinstate morning walks and workouts in the evening, accompanied by stretching.

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“happy to have you, goodnight”

an exhausted message that i could easily read into for my own satisfaction. i know i shouldn’t but i may let myself indulge this evening. the goodbye kiss, although awkward by my own fault, might symbolise something. ultimately, i’m not certain it does. i would like to think it does. {of course you would based on your emotions – i hear inklings of a.b.s.’ rhetoric in my self-censoring.}

i think tonight might also include indulging in my memories of last night, or rather, early this morning. certain expressions, actions and words have been engrained in my head since. i know i’m trying to behave more ladylike and proper in general, but it does not mean that the intention has reached my thoughts yet.