to love for the hope of it all

i’m not entirely sure what’s gotten into me today. i feel i’m yearning. yearning for my future life as a mother, as a wife, as a person.

when i think about things that would make me happy or qualities i’d like to have, nothing relating to work comes to mind. not about finances, or ambition, or about spending my time in an office. all that comes to mind, really, when i think about what i want, is a family. something to call my own. people to provide for, to support, to talk to, to love. that’s what i want.

i keep finding ways to emulate that to the best of my abilities now. considering my friends my little family. i’ve long given up on any coherent idea of my existing one. it’s been rejecting me for as long as i can remember. i want my own.

i want a man to come home to me in the evenings, having decided on what dinner i would make for us, that is excited to unwind and spend the evening with me. i want to have a place to call ours, discuss the type of furniture to get, where to keep our books, what blankets to cuddle on the couch with. i want intimacy, and familiarity; love.

i want to wear little outfits around the house, cleaning and cooking so that the day is easier on both of us. i want to run errands and go for grocery runs and talk about recent events over a glass of wine with a special dinner. i want it to be easy.

in a few years, not entirely sure when, i want to surprise him with news of a pregnancy and have it received positively, both excited to have a tiny version of us in the world. not worry about whether it will grow up to make money or have a good job, but raise it to be kind, smart and happy.

i want serious. i want sure. i used to be able to see it really clearly with a.b.s. and there are times i still can. where i can easily picture him coming in after a day of work, happy to finally be able to relax, knowing that i’ve cooked us dinner. what i can’t picture is him coming in, kissing me on the cheek and being happy to see me. i can’t remember the last time i felt he was genuinely happy to see me. he’s turned the entire concept of us into such a confusing jumble that i think i’m mostly a chore to deal with. something to put up with.

i cant deal with feeling that way in a relationship. not again. not even with him.

it’s times like this that i know walking away is the best thing for me to do. the smart thing for me to do. to find someone who does appreciate me, and wants to come home to me. who understands and values what i want, and wants something similar.

he could be that man. i know he could. the ideal person, my dream partner, my future husband. but he’s not for the time being. i’m clinging onto that idea of future potential without truly accepting that he doesn’t see it in himself to truly ever pursue.

i want a nice, quiet life with him; but that’s not something on offer. it’s not something he’s willing to do. at least not with me, at least not right now. he’s not going to casually come over after work to see me just because i live closer, or over to dine with me. he’s not going to be happy to see me when he’s sick of everything else. i keep holding on to a pipe dream of normalcy with him. of ease. of love. he’s not offering any of those to me.

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i’m great at chasing after things that i want. i just need to keep a clear image of what that is. there’s no use chasing after something that’s going to keep making me miserable. i can’t do that to myself again. i can’t just be alright with being miserable for the sake of someone else.

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being on my period truly is a goddamn rollercoaster of emotions. of clarity, of feelings, or realisations. i’m sure i’ll change my mind the second i interract with him next, or even frankly in the next x unknown amount of time, i have no way of truly knowing. i can’t exactly talk to him about it either. i have to bear the burden of figuring out if this ‘realisation’ is a real one or a simple spur of the motion thought. i wonder if this is how he feels and why he’s so unsure. also fluctuating between wanting a future with me, or not. is he simply more honest with himself and me about it? am i just as unsure but clinging onto my projections of him? i suppose he is the most practical one between us, much more idealistic than i am, though he’ll never admit it.

perhaps it is best for me to follow in his footsteps and give up on us. he has a long time ago.

or do i hold onto the idea that he is a good man who could provide if he wanted to? that if he stepped up and finally took me, and us, seriously, we could be happy together. i have no doubt that we could do. like i told him once, it might be difficult at the start while we figure things out exactly, but it could be everything. i wonder if i should have given him the letter on valentine’s day, the ideal day to lay everything on the table. i worry i’ve condemned myself to keeping the idealistic, romantic thoughts within. i’m not allowed to drift into dreams when talking to him about us, doing my best to remain pragmatic and logical so that he takes me seriously. i miss when i could idealise him without a million alarms going off in my head. when i could love him, and it could be easy.

he’s the only one who can bring us back to that, but i’m not sure he wants to, or even has the capacity to. i hope he does. i hope he chooses to. i hope he steps up into what i need from him. the role of provider he claims he wants. i want it for him too. i can’t force him into it, nor do i wish to.

“i’ll drop a call later on” i suppose we’ll see. if he can live up to what i already think of him (a bit of a reach for a simple phone call lol). only time will tell. i’ve never thought we’d have a particularly simple story. i don’t think i’m destined for a simply ‘i met her and knew’ – i’m meant for something grander than that. whether or not it’s with him is his choice.

let’s see if i even receive a call later.

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evening update: taylor swift said it best, i never had the courage of my convictions. i can’t really help myself. i don’t really want to either. falling back into it is so simple and lovely.