to love for the hope of it all

i want to be a mother. a wife. i have a responsibility to be a person first as a woman. to have my own set of ideas and values and place in the world. this was always my problem with men who expected me to do nothing with my life but serve as a housewife. i can do more good than just that. i can have more ambition than purely that. i didn’t want to do that at 19, or 23, and much less as 25 is approaching. i want a love that respects me as an individual.

in the short term, while still pursuing a hope that i find a man who is able to one day be my husband, i still have my own responsibilities – qualifying to work as a solicitor. something i would be good at, serve a real purpose with and reap the benefits (again, ideally with someone).

i sometimes feel i’m trying to convince a.b.s. i fit into his idea of what he wants for himself but the reason nothing keeps changing is that he isn’t sure i do – which sorta begs the question, how can he be so sure if he doesn’t know what he wants for himself. the more i talk to him the more i realise he’s also lost himself in a concept of himself for the future, much like i have most of my life. this sense that you should be something, do something, you have to; but have no clue what it is. the more i learn about him the more similar i realise we are. maybe that is why i hold on so much, he still feels like the only person who really understands and sees me sometimes.

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i feel the need to do an update on life six months into the year: my romantic life is confusing but settled for the time being; i have never felt less connected to my family but i’m not sure i mind; i’m quite happy with the person i’ve become. i couldn’t describe any monumental changes besides just a feeling. that i’m doing well. and going to keep doing well.

i’m terrified for my upcoming exams, but also know that even right now, i’ve put in more work than i previously had – i’m just terrified it’s not going to be enough. i’ve at least gotten over the fear paralysing me mentally: i’m at my desk studying for hours every single day. i’ve become a lot better with my anxiety. turns out when you’re just being yourself 24/7 without constantly worrying about how people are perceiving you, life is a lot calmer. conversations with a.b.s. don’t feel so daunting when i can just say whatever is on my mind without worrying about coming off perfectly.

it’s quite nice to just focus on myself and my studies during the week. i forgot how much i adore having something to do constantly. it reminds me of studying for my bac exams at 18 hoping to get into university. (with the added pressure of living a body of water away from everyone who loves me)

i have people who love me in london. in their own ways. i’ve gotten better at recognising that as well. getting to listen to all of taylor’s swift’s discography the last few days has been lovely – it brings back so many feelings over the last 13 years of listening to her and relating to her music while still relating to certain feelings. it’s nice to express some of the more childish or teenage-angst-like feelings i feel sometimes. it makes it easier to be an adult.

i’ve been sleeping in more than usual (thank you nature for the menstrual cycle) which i’m not sure how i feel about it. i still have difficulty sleeping in the evenings – i genuinely do worry that i’m concerned about nightmares plaguing me. i’m not exactly sure why i still struggle so much. i feel like i can’t sleep until i’m literally going to pass out from exhausting. it must be said i haven’t particularly tried anything different though.

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i’m so lucky to have been able to listen to the archer live. the song came out six years ago and i discover new parts of it that feel relevant to my life. i love music. meet me in the afterglow.