to love for the hope of it all

when’s the last time someone called me beautiful? when’s the last time somebody looked at me and thought it? i have, most definitely. but when’s the last time somebody else has?

has a.b.s. ever? looked at me, sober (or at least mostly) and thought to himself that i looked pretty? that i looked beautiful? i’m not even sure he’s ever given me a compliment without me prompting it – not on my appearance at least.

when’s the last time somebody looked at me and thought ‘wow’ while i was still dressed? while i wasn’t wearing a lowcut top ort a short dress? where they just looked at my face and hair and into my eyes and thought ‘she looks beautiful’.

i’m not even sure when i last received an unprompted compliment. i find myself extracting information out of a.b.s. in an attempt to soothe myself but it’s losing its novelty.

i would say the last person who said it romantically was probably james? or even magnus i guess? although that was a lie to get me into bed. i don’t think james complimented me much after we moved to london – i was given the role of housemate, chef, writer, financier, planner, but never quite lover. i suppose that’s not entirely true given that we did have good moments in passing; but i can’t say i felt appreciated or loved. i don’t know that a.b.s. has ever made me feel that way. not recently at least.

have i ever really felt appreciated and loved? i’m not sure i’d have an answer for you right now. i don’t know if i set the bar for myself so high that even when others do give me the reassurance i want, it’s not enough; or if i just haven’t ever really felt it. i’ve felt desired, lusted over and wanted -not sure about how recently, but i’m sure i have. but i don’t think i’ve felt like anyone really understands me in a while.

i know that i always say that a.b.s. does, and that’s such a big factor in why i’m attracted to him and want to keep him in my life, but i’m not sure it feels that way anymore – the man i knew has pulled away so drastically that i’m not sure i recognise him sometimes. or rather, the parts of him that i always excused and overrode for positive things are more prevalent. it’s hard to feel like he doesn’t care about me unless he wants me to get undressed. it feels borderline reductive to say that, because i don’t think it’s just that either; but i think that’s what he considers it at this point. i can usually comfort myself and move on from the feeling, excusing it for my own anxiety and projection, but i don’t know how to do that right now.

for someone who is terrified and hurt so much by rejection, it’s been so incredibly common in my life. and yet i keep going for things, i keep trying. i used to think that was such a positive thing – my reluctance to give up. i’m not sure it is. it’s just more rejection.