wednesday june 25th. new moon in cancer tonight.
what i really would really like for myself, going into this new moon, or even just going into 25 next week, is to surround myself with people who show up for me, make an effort and make me feel appreciated.
too much of this past year has been focused on being present for other people, doing things for them and trying to please them without thinking about whether or not i like them or want to be around them.
people don’t tend to make an effort for me. i’ve booked a dinner for my birthday this friday and i’m fairly certain a.b.s. is going to be stuck with me alone since nobody else wants to join. everybody can afford to go out for other occasions, but my birthday it seems. beers have no monetary value when people request round after round at a pub on a random day, but god forbid they must make plans to attend my celebrations.
i try so hard for other people and it never really goes appreciated. not by matt, not by a.b.s, not by any of our other friends. i truly do hope that the new chapter of my life in london that includes work (sometime in the near future) incluides finding more people that will appreciate me. i’m getting very tired of not feeling enough for everyone else, by no fault of my own.
i’ve been putting off journaling as of late because i would need to reflect and write about a.b.s. – i’ve run out of useful things to say. i’ve given one last chance for my birthday, and i know it truly is the last. it feels different than it usually does. i haven’t even really thought about what would happen if he actually did step up – it seems too far-fetched even for me. i’d love to sit here and keep hoping but i no longer see a point. he gave up on me long before i gave up on him (not that i completely have at the moment i suppose, but set on the road to it). all i want is to feel appreciated and i’m not sure anyone in my life is making me feel that way right now. have i outgrown them? have i changed enough in the last year to not really have space in my life for them as they are?
all too often i find that people don’t have an interest in evolving or changing for the better. people are too comfortable staying in patters they claim to hate. a.b.s. will never step out of his comfort zone enough to care about me the way i need him to. many have little to no interest in actually becoming better people. i’ve stagnated this past year. there have been changes, without a doubt, but there has been little evolving that actually included other people. nobody has pushed me to better myself. nobody has made me want to become better. i’ve found it in myself every time.
as i told a.b.s. on sunday evening – i’m not okay with stagnating. i’m not okay with wasting time. i have a limited amount of time on this planet and i have things i want to achieve. a career i want to work, a family i want to raise, a man i want to love. i’m not comfortable with letting things ‘run their course’ and seeing where the cards lay. i decide what cards lay where. i decide what i want to do, and what i must do to achieve it.
i remember telling friends from university, probably exactly a year ago a few weeks past that if a.b.s. and i weren’t officially together by my birthday, i saw no point in continuing. it’s taken me a year to decide to stick by that. it’s somehow taken me a year to find the self-respect to demand and impose what i actually want. why would i ever be okay with being second best? or giving him an indefinite amount of time to figure out what i mean to him? it’s not difficult. he either cares enough to do something about it, or simply not enough. there’s no middle ground. there’s no grey area. it’s time i stop giving everyone the grace i am never accorded.
i’m feeling conflicted going into 25 – i know what i can achieve in the next year, how i can improve and better myself. i worry that the path there does not include a lot of what has brought me comfort this past year. i’m not sure it includes the same friends, the same patterns or same connections i currently cling onto. i’ve left it up to a.b.s. to decide if it includes him. the jury is still out for everyone else. i’m not entirely sure how much it includes matt in his current form.
as much as i love and crave change, the actual idea always terrifies me. planning for change terrifies me. it happens regardless of whether i want it to or not, especially in the introspective way, but i hate when i’m able to tell that positive change involves letting go of things i care about who don’t care enough about me back. letting go of a.b.s. terrifies me. and yet, it’s inevitable. i can’t even find it in myself to believe for a second that he’ll step up this weekend; that he’ll try; that he’ll tell me i matter too much to lose. against my volition, i will have to let go. same applies to matt and the rest of my ‘friends’.
i’ll repeat a sentiment i didn’t realise the importance of until i spoke it: “how you act affects me, and if you’re not going to care about how it does, i have to”. i didn’t know i had it in myself to utter that sentence to anyone until i said it in the pub. that i had the courage to actually verbalise that i need the person in front of me to care about me and how their actions affect me. i need friends who understand that and do care; i need a partner who cares enough to never want to hurt me, the same way i never want to hurt them.
i’m fragile. i have anxiety. i need to be taken care of. i do a lovely job of it myself, with no complaints. but i need the people around me to care enough to do the same. i try to take care of people in my surroundings because we all need some help – human beings rely on community; and i’m sick of being the only one who sees the value in it. if people want to be independent and do everything by themselves all the time, i welcome them to; i’m not sure i fit into their life in a significant way then.
i care about people. i make an effort – arguably, far too much of one. i try. i don’t feel like these things are particularly appreciated. i deserve better. i have no doubt that it is on its way and i will find it, it’s just a matter of when.
i’ve expressed this to a.b.s.. if he wants to be a part of it, and be better, and figure things out with me; i’ve given him a last opportunity to do so. this weekend will be telling; i’ll no doubt have to make some very important decisions next week, which is terrifying because of the loss it will bring, but exciting as it will allow for better things to flow into my life.
i have to choose myself if nobody else will. i can’t let other people be my only priorities.
to love for the hope of it all 
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