to love for the hope of it all

i wanted this weekend to soothe my worries about the relationships i currently have in my life. unfortunately, it did the exact opposite and only showed me that i was right to both be wary of them as well as emphasise the need to re-assess. a very long-winded way of saying that i probably am in fact going to have to reset my life.

i wouldn’t even say that the weekend went badly frankly. it was just not what i wanted or expected, despite purposefully not having set any expectations for it. the only person i felt cared about my presence and active enjoyment was a.b.s., who had little to no problem bedding me or telling me he didn’t really want anything to do with me. i’m not exactly sure what to make of that without reaching the conclusion that i’m simply used for sex whenever he wants to or at the very least can be bothered to.

my friendship with matt has been gradually extinguishing as he continuously goes out of his way to put me down or interact with me negatively. this weekend, or really any day that i pick out, is no different. i am his friend when it is convenient for him. this is the same as a.b.s.. i criticise matt for it so heavily and want to distance myself without doing the same for the latter.

i’m trying to find a word to describe what friday night was – confusing, conflicting, strange? they don’t seem strong enough to describe the inner turmoil of the evening. between evergrowing resentment for the way that a.b.s. acts and the gradual realisation that i don’t feel appreciated by my friends – it seems my present relationships are at risk.

despite how much i usually enjoy celebrating my birthday, at least in some way, it feels moot. i can’t bring myself to enjoy time spent around people now that i’m aware of how little they care. all i’d like to do is spend it with a.b.s. who at the very least cares and understands me as a person – but that comes with about a million different questions that sadden me and to which i have no adequate answer or conclusion. my voiced choice today was to say i didn’t want to deal with it until september – something he was fine with until i still said i wanted to be involved until then. i don’t have the mental capacity to even attempt to try to understand any of the thoughts he has anymore, i’ve concluded that it’s not quite worth it.

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it’s time for a new and yet familiar chapter of my life to return – focusing on myself and academics, prioritising myself and nothing else. it worked miraculously at 18, allowing me to get into my dream school, move to my favoured city, and start a life for myself that i was happy with. it’s time for the same thing to happen this month and by extension this year.

i will pass my sqe written exams this upcoming month while focusing on my physical and mental health, prioritising movement, eating and healthy habits over other people; and using my time to study and enrich myself.

i’m tired of doing everything for everyone else. there’s no need for it. if nobody truly appreciates it, i see no point anymore.

i won’t book dinner for my birthday on tuesday. i’ve already suggested it multiple times. whoever would like to see me on the day can reach out and offer to. i’m no longer subjecting myself to ridicule and rejection for no reason. it’s not fair to put myself through.

i have no doubt that i will find myself using this blog more and more as i adopt these new practices. i have also bought myself two pendant lockets that i hope will encourage me to continue choosing myself over other people.