to love for the hope of it all

something feels lost today. i’m not quite sure what. a part of myself? my faith in a.b.s.? my will for love? i truly do not know. i’m not sure i wish to know either. my thoughts tire me. nothing is ostensibly wrong and yet, i feel no joy.

actually i suppose that’s not entirely true. allison missed me just as much as i missed her and i very much enjoyed her discovering that i do in fact have a face using her nose and paws. she’s a very bright light in my life at the moment.

i can’t help but find my life sisyphean at the moment. like i’m constantly trying and struggling with no actual outcome. my thoughts plague me at all times, hindering me from actually making something of myself. i feel myself yearning but i don’t know for what anymore. a.b.s? he’s left me nothing to yearn for. love? when has that ever served me well?

i feel the water calling to me. drowning my thoughts as i focus on swimming, one stroke at a time. it’s waiting for me just as much as i’m waiting for it. i may write later.