to love for the hope of it all

listening to: the last time by taylor swift (original version).

it felt so serious i needed to find the original version of the song lmao. i’m not sure what i’m feeling. right now, mostly abandoned by anyone who claims to care about me i suppose. i keep wondering why i put myself through the things i do, including something as basic as friendships i have with people.

i almost put ‘maintain’, but i suppose it always feels like the other person is the one ‘maintaining’ me and not vice versa. like i’m always somehow asking for too much. a.b.s. is not the only person. everyone talks about ‘what i deserve’ while also actively making me feel like shit and justifying it with ‘that’s how they are’, especially m.c.

i’m losing track of what friends are meant for. because i was still under the impression they were there to enjoy your time with, to be able to rely on if you needed to, that they qualified as someone who cares about you. i don’t think i’ve felt that in a lil while. partly because i put myself in situations where i can’t ever believe the genuinity of their actions or words.

i hate that i continuously have to give a.b.s. chances, time and time again, because it never feels like he appreciates them. he’s not the only one. reaching out to anyone anymore doesn’t yield anything positive. i just sit here feeling like shit while they continue to not care.

i have no doubt that all these feelings are currently heightened by how my family make me feel, and the glass of champagne i’ve had, but they deserve to be taken into consideration. i don’t even think i particularly enjoy drinking anymore. i think i’ve grown to associate it so much with a.b.s. as it became the only way he wanted me, that i’ve realised now, while away from him, that i don’t particularly enjoy it. perhaps it’s because he’s constantly on my mind when i do drink. but i would argue that he is, unfortunately, most of the time anyway.

i don’t feel i can truly enjoy any good moments experienced with him right now. i just keep thinking about how comfortable he is hurting me. i have no doubt that it’s adding to the internal conflict. as much as i may want to remain optimistic and open to exploring new dynamics as i improve in ways i want, i can’t ignore the fact that he is okay with hurting me. with disappointing me.

i can’t tell if it’s because he feels he can get away with doing so, or if he can’t really help himself. i don’t know which one would be worse.

— — — — —

i chose to play ‘the moment i knew’ and just realised that it echoes how i felt on new year’s eve, not being able to celebrate it with a.b.s.. i remember just feeling so alone. i think i tried to put a positive spin on it on actual new year’s, including in my own blog post and in my mind; because dealing with the fact that he had hurt me as much as he did, with little to no regret, was really difficult. it still is. it makes a real future between us unimagineable. it makes it hard to believe that he’s as good of a person as i always claim he is. because someone who cares about me would never do that to me. i would never do that to him.

i think that sort of solidifies something i’ve known for a long time. that he’ll never care about me enough. that this is futile. completely.

i chose to play ‘loml’.

—- —- —- —-

this isn’t even particularly about him. or caused by him. but it’s hard to feel happy with the people in your life at the moment when none of them make you feel cared for. and don’t mind that you feel that way.

— — — — —

I’m lonely but I’m good
I’m bitter but I swear I’m fine
I’ll save all my romanticism for my inner life and I’ll get lost on
purpose
This place made me feel worthless
Lucid dreams like electricity, the current flies through me,
and in my fantasies I rise above it
And way up there, I actually love it

(i hate it here, taylor swift)