to love for the hope of it all

i could never marry or spend my life with someone who is okay with hurting me. that’s my decree. i could not be happy with someone like that. not truly.

thus, there is no point continuing to harbour feelings for a.b.s. or anything of the sort, as i know that there is no use in the long term.

hence, it is time to let him go.

it’s time to put myself and my happiness first. to make space for my future spouse to fill; or at the very lease, for new experiences and lessons.

i don’t deserve to be hurt the way he continuously hurts me. every bid for reassurance unmet, every caring action questioned.

i think i realised why i was stressed so much less when away from london: i can’t really fall victim to any of his thoughtless, on-a-whim actions. although i can ask for reassurance or flirt through the phone, the actual physical risk of rejection of some sort does not exist. i do not have to live the physical embarrassment of, yet another, unsure or careless answer. experiencing it again tonight after so long felt enlightening. like i could not imagine what i do it for anymore.

he’s not the alex i met. he’s not the alex i fell in love with. what am i holding onto? a memory of when he cared? an idea i have of him? a possible future? he’s squandered all of the chances i’ve ever given him.

“i don’t know why i still ask you these questions [those begging for reassurance]. some variation of asking if you care and the answer always being that you’re unsure or not reall” – of course i know why i keep asking. i’m hoping that your answer will change someday. that one day you’ll turn around and actually care about me the way i want you to – you won’t.

i worry that i’m not capable of giving or receiving love, while chasing a man that knows he’s not capable at the moment, but doesn’t want to do anything about it. i can’t force him to.

it’s time to put this, and myself, to bed.

tomorrow (later saturday) will be a full day around his family. i’m starting to forget why i decided to put myself through it.