to love for the hope of it all

i’ve been avoiding writing. i know this to be true. i suppose i’ve been avoiding putting into exact words everything i’m feeling – it’s been a week of vague answers about being upset or on the contrary, completely fine, without really letting myself think about it.

i wonder if it’s best to keep it that way; best to keep my feelings vague and distant about my friendships at the moment. i know things are over, and i feel that there’s no coming back from it really, not for me at least. matt could try to patch things up, but i’m not sure i would want to go back to the way things were. i don’t know how they would. alex is a whole other story altogether. i notice a lot more similarities than i originally thought, which i guess explains why they’re such good ‘friends’. alex likes to think he’s not as destructive as matt – he is. matt likes to think he’s not as detached from his life as alex – he is.

neither know how to care for someone other than themselves. not truly. one can pretend that it’s out of necessity for family, while the other feigns it’s for mental health, but the reality of it is that neither of them have developed the capacity to (yet, i hope).

— — —

i’ve always found it easy to part from people i do not believe are good. from people who i feel make their way through life hurting people, mercilessly, actively. i can put aside any other character flaws, and often find myself doing so, pretending that callous honesty or playful indignity is a show of closeness, a symbol of affection. i no longer wish to do this. to have to shrink myself to fit the needs of others when i’m simply trying to elate them; i shouldn’t have to.

i’ve long believed that there are times in my life where i grow as a person more than others, and end in my most upsetting situation – knowing i must leave people in my wake. this is a constant cycle in my life. i’ve known this one was coming to an end for awhile.

that i would have to let go of alex, finally releasing him from my persistent bids for love, and thus, my heart. i knew fairly early on that i was not meant to build my life with him, and yet i wanted to be wrong. i so desperately wanted to prove (to myself? to the world?) that i could be with him, happily. i knew that i couldn’t. not the way that i found him, or what he developed to me. he could have been the ideal man – the ideal boyfriend, fiance, and eventually husband. he could. he wasn’t, he isn’t. he never wanted to be.

the subtleties of my friendship with matt and its dying embers over the last year is a whole story altogether. one i do not wish to delve into at the moment. particularly because i have yet to decide what the outcome of this entire thing will be – what i actually want from it. i know that things will not feel the same, but i am unsure how much leniency i must refrain myself from. only time will tell.

— — —

as for the object of my admiration since the moment i met him, who i thought could be the greatest man that i’d know, the subject of my dreams and nightmares for the last year and a half or so; i know i can’t come back from this. not really. i could never trust him again. i knew i couldn’t after new years but hoped he would not force the situation to end this way, i hoped he’d want to rebuild. or rather, he’d offer the first block in rebuilding like he usually does, give me a blueprint to operate with, a sketch of restoration. instead, upon seeing my plans, decided to bulldoze whatever was left, unsure whether or not he still intended to use, or wanted, the plot of land. (have i just compared myself to a plot of land? quite beautifully actually)

the land we would’ve built our future on is poisoned. by his lies, by his empty words, by his failed attempts at being what i needed. note that i didn’t say wanted, as all i actually wanted was him. with his flawed, questionable nature. with his contempt for most things, even me. i simply wanted him. i wanted the man he was becoming. he picked an altogether different path for myself, and i wish him the best. i do not wish to see it. i do not wish to experience his destruction any longer, in any capacity. he never let me as his girlfriend or lover, and i do not wish to lessen myself to see his endless drinking and bad decisions by way of friendship. i have asked for enough. i deserve more.

— — —

i miss him in my life sometimes, a byproduct of entertaining my thoughts about him for so long. the situation saddens me, as i never wished to have to part from him, especially as such. but i know i must. i cannot endure this pain any longer. i won’t.

i may continue writing after my mother leaves in a few hours. i shall see.