to love for the hope of it all

“Guess you know how long I can go without texting you now”

you still know how to break my heart. i still let you have that power over me apparently. an uncertain text followed by one i can only imagine you said in unconcerned jest despite how much i may wish it was an indication that you missed me. that’s what made me gasp. made me forget how to breathe for a second. that maybe you were insinuating that you missed me. that this was the longest you could go without reaching out because you missed me. i have to remind myself that you’re only that romantic in my head. you only send me secret signals hoping that i pick up on them in my head. you don’t actually contain that level of depth or care for me. you don’t mentally pray for me to understand you. if anything, you actively chase it away.

i could barely bear to talk to you on the phone. incorrect words tumbling out of my mouth before i can stop them, curious about how deep the lie that you tell yourself is this time. cruel words (at least, by my own standards) tumbling out because you still couldn’t bring yourself to verbalise anything real; any substantial.

perhaps that’s the issue after all – that we meant infinitely more to me than to you, and that i was nothing to you – maybe it is that simple. i find that hard to believe even now. i’ll never believe that i don’t mean anything to you. but you asked me to judge you based on your actions.

you told me to listen to them. you told me it was maybe best.

i’ve decided to give you what you always wanted from me. space. no insistence, no persistence, no pressure. i release you. i’m giving you what you wanted. you’ll always mean something to me, and this is my last act of love alex 🙂

— — — — — —

despite the amount of anxiety last night built in me, i’m really happy with myself right now. i miss people. i never enjoy having to let go, but i always say that i’m good at embracing change, knowing it’ll keep bringing good things into my life, and such is the case. i will always wish i could bring people on the journey with me, but they make it exceptionally hard to. i don’t wish to drag people with me. i want them to want to experience it with me because they feel i add to their own journey.

whatever is best, will happen. i need to stop forcing things so much. perhaps absence will may the hearts grow fonder; and if it doesn’t, it isn’t meant to.

“I thought you were gonna catch me
I never stopped falling for you
Now I know better, never let me
Leave home without a parachute

[…]

You could’ve told me not to do it, I would’ve run, I would’ve run
Tell me what was the moment you decided to give up
You could’ve told me what you wanted, I would’ve done, I would’ve done
Anything
I would’ve done anything“

(parachute – hayley williams)