to love for the hope of it all

i was close to deleting this entire blog as i wanted to start fresh. as i wanted a change in perspective, having noticed that i mainly use this blog to dump my thoughts about a.b.s. or just my love life as a whole. having told people about it at some point or another, i realised that i use it for performative reasons more than an actual place to dump my thoughts at times. the entire point was to be honest to myself. to have a way to express myself when i feel like i have no one to turn to.

i no longer wish to perform. i no longer wish to include messages in my posts, hoping that people see it. i strongly believe that nobody truly reads this blog anyway, but find myself censoring myself anyway (what a clunky sentence). i am thinking of switching back to paperback journaling. an environment where it truly is just for me. where i would have to sit down every morning or evening and carve out the time to write. where i can’t go back on my words trying to mince them or make them more appealing to read. i haven’t decided yet. i think i need a full mental reset, one that i hope birmingham will provide. i’m going to take the time to have a self-care tomorrow, trying to book as many superficial treatments as i can to appease my body as well as brain.

i just feel exhausted constantly. i know that change is meant to be hard, but this feels excruciating, and i’m not even sure why. i don’t know why i feel the way i do. why i can’t sleep peacefully, why i don’t want to eat, why i don’t particularly want to do anything. i think a personal audit over the weekend will serve me well. love you ari 🙂 you’re going to be okay. i’m going to be okay.