to love for the hope of it all

happy first of october! although i could easily call september one of my favourite months of the year, october remains a strong contender. there’s just something about the autumn months that soothe me.

this october brings good albeit uncertain feelings. while i’m still not sure where exactly i stand in terms of feeling confident and happy about my friendships, they are withstanding this ambiguity. i seem to be finding a lot more comfort in the ‘que sera, sera’ mentality and being able to trust it. i remain in a transitionary period of my life where i’m re-establishing what i would like for myself, who i want to be, and how i want to achieve it; although this is temporarily stunted by my cycle and my want for solitude.

i suppose i should feel extremely confused and distraught about a.b.s., but frankly, i don’t. i’m just happy we’re in each other’s lives right now, to whatever capacity. once i acknowledged to myself (and a select few) that i could not actually be in a relationship with him right now without serious attempts at rebuilding trust (from his side) and effort ( – which he has no intention of putting in), it felt like a form of solution to my question. what do i want with him? i’m not sure. in a somewhat soothing way, he knows even less than i what is going on between us. the reality is that i could stay away if i wanted to, as i proved (albeit shortly) – which was a very important discovery. it still feels like there very much could be something good there, but it’s going to take a lot of work that i’m fairly certain he’s not ready to do yet. i also realised that his issue isn’t so much with me as a person or in a relationship, but with the general idea of one – i am not the reason he’s not been in one yet, that’s completely of his own doing. i’m sure that when he decides he’s ‘ready’ to, and finally is comfortable with the responsibility it brings and feels he deserves it, he’s going to be an amazing boyfriend. it’s completely up to me to decide if i want to wait that long. i am most likely pushing my luck a lil this week, as i have a tendency to do; but i don’t quite care about how it comes off anymore. i feel like i finally get to be myself around him with less pressure.

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despite my overall lack of real motivation for the topics at this point in time, studying is going quite well! i think once i finish this (very long) phase of just sitting at my computer and writing out notes i’ll be able to enjoy the subjects a lot more. i’m looking forward to practicing the actual exam instead of just copying words, but i will admit that it’s working quite well so far. i should be finishing a second subject today. truth be told, 2/13 is not terrible at the moment. it’s a good starting point i can continue to build on.

i’m feeling really good about myself lately.

i feel i’ve made a lot of progress these last few weeks within my perception of myself and identifying my goals and personal growth in general. i’m really quite proud of myself 🙂

frankly, i’m also not certain that i’m in a place in my life to even be in a relationship. i really am enjoying my freedom and ability to live my life at home with zero judgment. i’m not completely over a.b.s., so it wouldn’t be fair for me to commit to someone else, but i also don’t really want him right now. i’m strangely enjoying this lil middleground. i’ll have plenty of time to be in a committed relationship in my life. although my rough timeline lingers, it doesn’t feel all-encompassing and so pressing – mind you, it is the middle of the day right now and rarely when i miss the feeling of a relationship. it is in the evenings that the longing kicks in. for the time being, i think i’m happy by myself.