to love for the hope of it all

i’m not sure why i let myself suffer the way i do. why i let myself face rejection time and time again, never really learning my lesson.

it’s akin to a child touching a barrel meant for curling hair: they’re not in charge of knowing whether it’s plugged in or not, unsure of its temperature until they touch it. when they burn themselves, that’s a lesson to not touch it again.

i’m a small stubborn child that can’t help but reach for it time and time again, pushing my luck as much as possible. hurting myself over and over again, with no one there to help with making the pain feel better after. everyone is sick of me touching the barrel and don’t know why i do it. everyone is (metaphorically) yelling at me to stop touching it.

i deserve a lot better than what he’s putting me through, but even more than that, i deserve a lot better than what i’m putting myself through. ruining perfectly good days by trying to include him when i know he doesn’t care. ruining my good mood and any real hope of feeling good about myself.

i don’t know what i’m constantly competing for. i don’t know what i’m fighting for anymore. a dysfunctional situation where a man can only fit me into his life rather than want me in it? who would want that for themselves? who would let themselves have it? why would anyone do that to themselves?

why do i do it to myself?

in the hopes of things suddenly changing completely? in the hopes of him developing or realising feelings? i know that i think i’m a work in progress, but i deserve far better than that. better than what he’s currently able to offer.

the hard part is that i know how good it could be if he would let himself care about me. how good it is when he does. but the reality is that he can’t bring himself to do it consistently, and the consequences on me aren’t fair.