to love for the hope of it all

i reckon i’ll have a whole post to write and post tomorrow morning about how much i love the month of december, as it truly is my favourite time of the year.

tonight however, i’ll focus on the (boring) details of my recent feelings and events in my life (how very bleh). i feel like i’m fighting between two impulses in a very ‘should i stay or should i go’ by the clash, or ‘stuck in the middle with you’ by stealers wheel, or even ‘with or without you’ by u2 – way. one is to believe in how i feel about a.b.s., and the possibility of us; believe that we’re two people who have a lot going on in our lives in term of responsibilities (mine more self-imposed than his), but both thinking this could be it. the other is to protect myself and flee. the other is the well-known flight instinct that makes things difficult.

i truly do think that he’s in his flight instinct, something he enters every so often when things get too overwhelming for him, and he wants to retreat into his shell (turtle-metaphor?) until he feels safe. i very much tend to do the same thing. isolation and protection are things i know all too well and search for far too often. whenever it’s going really well between us, i also start looking for reasons for it not to. while his is focusing his mind on other ‘hypotheticals’ (aka women), mine is wondering if i can really do the whole ‘push-and-pull’ thing forever – what my brain fails to understand though is that if we were to do this properly, that would no longer be a factor.

i think i got some form of reassurance about some of the things i was feeling? (reassurance being used in the absolute loosest way possible) hearing that he doesn’t think he would date her either should be affirming in some way – i’m fairly certain he meant it to me, and i suppose that in a way it is. it’s vocal (and not just essentially made up in my head) confirmation that i’m not the main factor in us not being together – an idea that seemed almost non-sensical to him when expressed earlier, like he couldn’t understand why i would think this entire situation is based on a shortcoming of mine rather than putting the blame on him. the answer to that is far too obvious (but also in the same vein non-sensical to him) – i care about him too much to do that (also very strongly linked to my own insecurities and lack of confidence, but we don’t have to delve into that right now!).

in truly hilarious, ari-fashion, listening to dramatic music in the uber (like adele for some reason) followed by a self-assuring mini-walk next to the river (aka i walked one block before i realised how cold i was and was thankfully accompanied by music that made me feel more sure about myself); i feel better. he’s right in saying that there was no ‘satisfying end’- no real conclusion. but it’s because there isn’t really one. ‘with or without you’, which i thought would lead to an even more intense spiral, helped soothe my brain, if even just for a moment.

i don’t know what the answer is, or how to make this situation better – i don’t know if the right thing is to blindly trust this man, despite having given me reasons not to, or go against my gut instincts and protect myself. in the shortest time, the ‘today’, the ‘tomorrow’, the ‘this week’; this situation is just going to suck a lil bit. he’s overwhelmed with things going on in his life and is unable to think clearly or think about romance as a priority. i have much more important things i should be focusing on but am unable to as i just keep thinking this situation over and over in hopes of finding a solution – there isn’t one.

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“Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I’ll wait without you“

““Sleight of hand” because he feels its like this girl, or perhaps God, is dangling the one thing he wants right in front of his face, but as soon as he reaches out to grab it, it is yanked away. Therefore, he continues to wait.”

“A twist of fate is when something doesn’t go the way you anticipated for it to go, or the way you think it was meant to go.The whole idea of the two of them not being together seems like a “twist of fate” to him. He feels as if they are meant to be together, and some unexpected twist of fate is keeping him waiting.” [stolen from the explanation of the lyrics]

“My hands are tied
My body bruised
She got me with
Nothing to win and nothing left to lose”

“The lyric “my hands are tied” emphasizes that he’s tried all he can but he’s stuck, committed, and can’t alter the predicament. It also provides context for the bruises–they’re not a byproduct of any activity in which he’s an active agent. Rather, the tied hands are meant to show he’s merely a passive recipient of these metaphorical beatings.”

“In the end, neither person wins in their endless conflict and argument.”

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oh you know shit is about to get real multifaceted and complex when i start inserting song lyrics with explanations. listening to songs about how difficult relationships or love can be sometimes make me wonder why the fuck we put ourselves through this – something i’m sure a.b.s. is also wondering this week. why the hell would we choose to subject ourselves to difficulty and pain when it’s much simpler to remain sheltered within our own lives, focusing on other aspects that seem easier. the truth is that there is too much to gain to ignore. not just from a procreation level, but from an emotional standpoint. people are difficult and annoying and complex and change, and that’s why relationships (romantic or not) feel so fulfilling. good relationships make the pain when things are difficult worth it, because you know it will go back to being good soon. ‘holding out’ for more simplicity. waiting for the right timing.

i keep making the decision to wait for things with a.b.s. to become what i think they should be. i don’t have to, nor am i being asked to by him (who i think frankly would much rather not have that ‘pressure’ on him), but that’s the reality of it. i think this will be worth it. if it isn’t, then it’ll serve as a lesson to myself, something i’ll grow from and learn. but i’m fairly positive i won’t have to see it that way.

i’ve never met anyone that made me feel the way a.b.s. did when i first met him, nor anyone that still does right now. even when things are terrible and confusing and painful, being around him makes things feel easier. seeing him, talking to him, feeling him, make things not feel that complex for even just a moment.

the only real answer i got tonight was that he doesn’t think he wants a relationship (something we both already know, and i feel i’ve taken into account when considering ‘us’); and that the conversations over the weekend didn’t feel like they had a ‘satisfactory’ end, aka an answer (i think that’s how i somewhat felt as well, and felt kinda comforted in hearing him vocalise). truth be told, in an objective sense, terrible conclusion to a conversation i hoped would be reassuring about the situation between us! i think i realised that very quickly on my way home, causing the emotional uber ride (i wonder how many random drivers have seen me have a mini existential crisis in the back of their car lol, quite a few by now i’d think).

thinking about it more clearly (time of the month be damned), it’s nice to have reached the level where he feels comfortable communicating this to me. frankly this weekend past felt similarly. terrible and confusing and shit, but at the very least open and honest between us. i think that can only be a good thing.

i realise i sound a tad bit delusional talking about this in this way lmao, but i think you sometimes need a bit of blind optimism in certain situations to get through them, and i think now is a good time for it. we both agree that trying to stay in each other’s lives, but apart romantically / sexually doesn’t really work, and that we want to stay in each other’s lives, but he’s not in the place to want a relationship (nor am i frankly). i have zero clue where that leaves us at all. besides the mutual knowledge that we want to be in each other’s lives. call me a naive idiot, but that’s a huge thing.

he works in ‘hypotheticals’ and ‘what-ifs’; with no clue that my brain is the homeland of entire fantasy worlds revolving around myself and other people. i find myself having to be the level-headed and realistic one when it comes to our relationship, when i know damn well that i am consistently living in my head, creating new situations as thoughts form. if he’s copernicus discovering the heliocentric model, i’m hubble discovering that other galaxies exist beyond our own.

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this is quite all-over-the-place, but i suppose that’s a great reflection of my thoughts at the moment. at least for the time being, i trust my perception of us. i trust that this is worth it, that he is (i’m quite sure of it actually). i’m hoping he’ll realise the same once my little astronaut returns back to earth (a disgustingly sweet metaphor i used to describe his lapses of faith in me over this weekend). things will work out the way they are meant to 🙂