to love for the hope of it all

“Combat, I’m ready for combat
I say I don’t want that, but what if I do?
‘Cause cruelty wins in the movies
I’ve got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you

Easy they come, easy they go
I jump from the train, I ride off alone
I never grew up, it’s getting so old
Help me hold onto you

I’ve been the archer
I’ve been the prey
Who could ever leave me, darling?
But who could stay?

Dark side, I search for your dark side
But what if I’m alright, right, right, right here?
And I cut off my nose just to spite my face
Then I hate my reflection for years and years

I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost
The room is on fire, invisible smoke
And all of my heroes die all alone
Help me hold onto you

I’ve been the archer
I’ve been the prey
Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling?
But who could stay?
(I see right through me, I see right through me)

‘Cause they see right through me
They see right through me
They see right through
Can you see right through me?
They see right through
They see right through me
I see right through me
I see right through me

All the king’s horses, all the king’s men
Couldn’t put me together again
‘Cause all of my enemies started out friends
Help me hold onto you

I’ve been the archer
I’ve been the prey
Who could ever leave me, darling?
But who could stay?
(I see right through me, I see right through me)
Who could stay?
Who could stay?
Who could stay?
You could stay
You could stay
You

Combat, I’m ready for combat”

(the archer – taylor swift)

— — —

13:20:

maybe it’s better we’re not in each other’s lives. it’d be easier than trying to pretend i’m enough for you, surely?

i’m too sleep deprived to form a coherent thought of optimism. it feels like you’ve already given up (i say knowing damn well there’s an unread reply to my text last night that i’ve been putting off opening), i don’t know why i’m still fighting, why i’m still trying. that’s all i ever do: try. it’s gotten us nowhere.

maybe i am better off as just a hypothetical to you. then neither of us can mess it up. we can both live in the ‘what if’ – if you even do think of me that way. i don’t know how your hypotheticals work, and if you can while also thinking of someone else in the same way. i think i’m better off as an idea. i always have been.

i got a taylor swift lyric stuck in my head i was trying to find, from ‘chloe or sam or sophia or marcus’:

“Could it be enough to just float in your orbit?
Can we watch our phantoms like watching wild horses?
Cooler in theory, but not if you force it to be
It just didn’t happen“

could we be friends? could i bear to be around you in group settings pretending that i don’t miss the feel of your lips on mine or your hands on me? laughing to jokes about your type in women as if it doesn’t keep me up at night that i don’t fit the bill?

i always assume that we couldn’t be around each other if we were to call things off for good, but i realise that’s for two different reasons: it would hurt to see you from a distance and pretend you weren’t mine at some point, you would be disappointed there’s not somebody to sleep with on days you want to (even just saying that feels like doing you a disservice, but it’s what everyone besides us perceives as how you view me – which hurts and i don’t think is true, but i get tired of defending).

this plagues my thoughts as i’m too sleep deprived to stop it. i think you feel like pushing me away and walking away from us when you’re overwhelmed with your responsibilities and life; this is usually the invisible result of it. this is the loss of trust and hope i experience. god knows i haven’t slept soundly when things are rocky between us since last new years.

—

i know that once i get it out of my system, i feel the exact same way about us as i always do: that i care about you, and this is all worth it. it’s just tiring to be the only one who can comfortably say that.

i suppose i’m doing exactly what i criticise you for doing, and what i said i wouldn’t: pushing you away while i figure out how i feel. i know i said i wouldn’t this time, but i still don’t know how to turn off that impulse. how to not retreat when you do. even if it is in hopes that my actions get you out of your head lon enough to form a lucid thought about me. the problem is that everytime i do, i break myself without meaning to. i chip away at my own ability to believe in us, in you. i’m glad i finally got to explain that to you this weekend; i have no clue if it actually made a difference in how you see us or not (my guess is as good as anyone’s at this point).

i have to pretend to be able to do menial daily tasks, knowing i’m not really able to think of anything else. it’s nearing 2 pm and i also haven’t eaten. the document of ‘red flags’ in my behaviour before / during a depressive episode sitting in my laptop is judging me heavily.

i need some rest. i miss things being easy between us – they still very easily could, but i can’t be the only one wanting them to be.

—

i also am aware that i’m being insanely melodramatic, but this is my blog so who cares! if i can’t be dramatic here then where can i

[side note: this led me down a whole research dark hole about hystrionic personality disorder as i was searching for synonyms of melodramatic and i’m interested in doing a lil more research, if only to gain insight on some of my people-pleasing habits]

—

i also feel a lil better after crying for a lil while writing this and find myself remembering that there is indeed hope for the things that i want (a.b.s.) and that my own sleep-deprived, upset brain, is not always a reliable narrator (blah blah blah, trust my feelings, classic things). later in the day, i need to prepare for the full moon tonight.