to love for the hope of it all

merry christmas 🙂

there’s something about being alone in a new apartment while your family celebrates their own two different christmases – one in turkey, one in canada. i always struggle with feelings of loneliness, but it hits harder than ever during the holidays as i realise that i also don’t have the life here that i thought i would have. i was so occupied with moving into this flat and hosting people (still not entirely sure why really – for people to just like me?) that i forgot to take into account how upsetting it would naturally be to spend christmas alone.

366 days ago i told a.b.s. i was in love with him. it’s a year later and things feel more confusing than ever. holding my hand while telling me to leave him alone? not at all sure what to make of that. waiting patiently for him to invite me over for christmas even though we basically act like we’re in a relationship but i’m not even sure if he wants me there? surely not a normal thing. i can’t tell if we’re closer than ever to actually being something, or further than ever.

i’ve been too caught up with the present this year to plan anything in my life well enough to make it happen. which isn’t necessarily a bad thing! now i know how to. i’m hoping 2026 will bring a good year of balance and joy – i’m going to make sure it does.

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it feels like i never know what i should be doing. i’m aware of objective and overarching goals and things i need to do, but at the end of the day i’m just in a flat, alone, wanting to talk to people. truthfully i don’t even know what i want anymore. i’ve lost sight of it a little. i’m scared that trying to figure it out is going to force me to make a number of really difficult decisions that i’m not ready for. decisions about people in my life, that although i don’t want to lose, might be for the better (i hate even the thought of that, even though a part of me knows it holds some truth).

the worst part is that if you had asked me before yesterday how i was feeling about my life, my answer would’ve been extremely positive. i would’ve answered that i love my apartment and it feels perfect to me and what i want for myself; i’m loved and cared for by many friends in london, and have an extended support system all over the world.

today, i just feel the chill of the new flat and uncertainty (about both my day’s plans, and my general direction in life).