to love for the hope of it all

i find it difficult to acknowledge how hard these last few years have actually been for me. actually i find it hard to admit that most of my life has felt really hard. i think something really did brew inside of me from years of hating myself and my surroundings (which comes as absolutely no surprise actually).

[allison has perched herself upon my arm and chest for our nightly full-body cuddles so typing has become more difficult]

i would like this year to be about reconnecting with myself. really figuring out who i am, who i want to be, and most importantly who i can be. i usually try to do this with a whole life reset, thinking i can change my life overnight and magically solve all of my issues. i should know by now that this cannot happen – if it could, it would have worked by now.

there are certain things that society and people nowadays would like to perpetuate about relationships with others that i fundamentally disagree about. communication, trust and good will are the foundations of community, something we all require. people deserve grace. people deserve open communication. we owe it to each other to care. the rise of nonchalance frustrates me as much as it terrifies me about the direction of the world.

whenever i attempt something radical to ‘stand my ground’ or establish boundaries, i feel it doesn’t suit me. i could do with a bit more self-respect and less focus on pleasing others (which i feel i’ve already become better at), but this doesn’t negate the core aspect of my personality i often try to shut off: i believe in the good of people and the world around me. this opinion is so easily cast aside by others as everybody nowadays is bombarded with shitty news, or constant reiterations of people mistreating others with no remorse, but that doesn’t change that i see reality in it.

it doesn’t have to make sense to others so long as it does to me.

i’m not ashamed of the fact that i give people chance after chance; that i have it in myself to forgive and move on from things. i hate that people take advantage of it. i hate that i have to contort myself to fit others when i quite like the person i am.

it’s time i remain steadfast on who i know i am, and like, instead of constantly worrying about how i ‘should’ be comforting and adapting to others.

a.b.s. is an example of this. from the beginning, i have not wanted to hide or minimise or ‘play games’ in the way that is currently seen fit in romantic endeavours. i don’t see the need to shrink myself, which i think makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

i know what’s in my heart. good intentions, genuine care, a willingness and ability to love. i’m asking for other people to see it as well. i might just be asking the wrong people (i.e., m.c.).