to love for the hope of it all

i’ve been ruminating about us for the last few hours. wondering why it feels so much like things are ending even though at the surface, nothing has changed. although i suppose that’s the problem after all – i’m always there for you, even when you don’t want me to be, and i go to bed feeling more alone than ever.

i knew that something big in me had shifted over the last year or so, but couldn’t pinpoint what exactly it was. i think i’ve finally found the answer. we have very different ways of dealing with the trust issues we both have: you push people away, while i do the opposite and hope that clinging will save me from the fate i’m destined for. i have realised that through the uncertainty of our relationship and the fact that i can’t ever really trust you to be consistent and present for me, i’ve forgotten how to trust people.

i’m sure there’s more to blame than just yourself for this, such as friends that are just as absent and self-serving as could be, and parents that no longer see me as anything more than an accomplishment they can sometimes engage with, the fact remains. i don’t feel like there’s anyone in my life i can really trust. how many times have i bared my feelings to you, made an effort to be vulnerable and open despite how difficult i find it because i thought it would help, for that act to make me feel shameful instead of understood. perhaps my memory has just gotten shorter, but i forget the last time you made me feel appreciated and listened to. much less loved. or even maybe liked.

drunk actions and words can only get you so far.

i miss being able to trust someone. i miss knowing i have someone who does always have my best intention in mind (and not just ‘maybe’). i like to think i always have yours in mind. i like to think i go out of my way to make you feel cared for; seen. although i don’t do it for the sole purpose of reciprocation, it would be so nice to feel like you appreciate it when i reach out. like you want to talk to me. like you want to see me. last weekend only made me feel more isolated. i have a suspicion that over valentine’s day this weekend i’ll only feel worse.

im going to sleep.