to love for the hope of it all

the more i feel my life getting repetitive and monotonous, the more i feel the urge to write. i tend to withdraw from even myself in an attempt to protect myself from the things preoccupying me, falling into old habits that i now deem self-destructive.

i’ve gotten so used to the idea of having to put myself back together again after i shatter myself into pieces that i willingly invite the pain. i stay up for far too long, consistently depriving myself of a human necessity. i eat far too little, not believing i even deserve it. i repeat hateful mantras i’ve internalised, only making whatever time i do spend in my mind terrible. for someone who’s main wish is ‘to be happy’, i actively deprive myself of it.

this isn’t a post about a.b.s. (shocker). that’s actually a whole question mark i don’t feel like affronting mentally right now so i’m going to take a page out of his book and simply pretend the situation doesn’t exist right now (at least until tomorrow lol). i have to take allison to the vet at 10:15 tomorrow morning, followed by an electrician’s visit to check the wiring in the house – a much needed inconvenience as they’ve seemed dodgy since i moved in. for the last two days i’ve been focused on cleaning the house and changing up some things that i’ve wanted to (my bedding and couch covers). while i should in theory be happy with those things (and i think i am in theory), the lack of good sleep has been absolutely dampening any of that joy. allison has been in heat and i find myself unable to actually rest; it’s just slight but consistent noises 24/7. she’s asleep on my folded up couch covers at the bottom corner of my bed at the moment, and the insuing silence is absolutely lovely. all i can hear is the slight rain outside, the front door rattling from the wind, and my typing which i’ve always found relaxing.

i miss feeling like a person. i think i’m just going to have to blame my cycle and its affect on the hormones in my body to explain it, because i’m not even sure what i mean. my weekdays have become repetitive and bland – waking up later than i would like, going for a coffee and short walk, maybe running errands if the weather is nice, coming home and sitting in front of my pc to ‘study’ (i’m not even sure that the flashcards i’m making at the moment are doing anything), playing games with people in the evening and staying up too late. i think this week and last has felt like that at least. i miss feeling like i have friends to do things with during the week.

i think the fact that a.b.s. and i have a close friendship makes it worse actually. i’m sorta used to overthinking or second-guessing texts or interactions with a love interest, but i tend not to with friends. i have zero issue texting random things multiple times a day, or calling for no reason, or just simply ‘bothering’ (aka my version of a bid of platonic affection and closeness). i don’t feel i can do most of those things with a.b.s. despite him probably being my best friend. the lines between friendship and romantic have been irreparably blurred, but it still hasn’t reached the stage of an actual relationship. just a semblance of one occasionally.

i need to interact with more people and try new things and develop new friendships in order to feel more fulfilled with my day-to-day. i’m in a position (unemployed, out of education) right now to do so but i always find a way to talk myself out of it. there’s a million activity hosts i follow and want to go to, usually female-oriented which is perfect, but just don’t. i think it’s because part of me knows i’m actually not the best at casual friendships – the all-or-nothing mentality that helps with ambition is usually questionable when it comes to people.

i just want more in my life. i’ve been asking the people in my life for it but don’t feel like i’ve been getting it, so i suppose the logical step is to add new people to the equation.

except for dating. j.a. and i have been talking more this week as he’s taken time off work and needed advice when it comes to his family situation, and while i try to keep the conversations purely platonic, hints of more bleed in at the seams. he’s recently made comments again about wanting more (to take me out at some point, or just about us together – thankfully not just sexual again) even though i’ve made it clear time and time again that i’m in no position to as i still have feelings for a.b.s.; but he says he can’t really help it (which i suppose is a compliment in itself). any closeness or even attempt at thinking about it on my end just feels wrong. thinking about anyone romantically besides a.b.s. feels wrong at the moment as my brain doesn’t really think of more than one person like that at a time. maybe that’s the only reason i could even entertain something with a.j. at the specific point in time – i was just avoiding thinking of a.b.s. after the drunken idiocy. i really think i need to learn to focus on myself.

it was nice to talk about a.b.s. about that whole situation actually, even though i’m not sure how much of it he remembers. i may not have ‘owed him an explanation’ (objectively i suppose since he had made it clear where we stood), but i hate keeping secrets from him. the same way i hate lying to him. which is interesting because i can’t remember if i’ve ever felt that way about someone else before. secrets and white lies / omissions usually fit perfectly within the grey behaviours justifiable in my mind (being interested in other people while still dating p.n. without pursuing anything or lies during my relationship with j.d.); but i’ve never really wanted that with him. keeping anything from him, including i suppose completely reasonable and ‘acceptable’ behaviour within the boundaries of the question mark that we have been (sleeping with magnus i guess? or kissing dan?). none of it has ever felt right. the acts themselves, but also not telling him.

i wonder if he gets that feeling about things he keeps from me. i’d have to assume that probably not. otherwise he’d be more honest about them.

— — —

i don’t think i’ve ever felt more disconnected emotionally from my parents, but i suppose that’s not really new. i would say it’s been since they got officially divorced sometime last year. it seems i served my purpose as therapist / middle-man / divorce attorney / messenger for years on end just to feel cast aside once able to resolve everything.

maybe i just feel disconnect from people lately. i can’t really remember much of what i’ve been feeling besides just right now. and right now it feels like i haven’t been able to connect with my parents in a very long time. and i’m borderline getting emotional over missing my grandfather in montreal. i wonder when, if and how i’ll deal with the guilt that’s been brewing about missing so much of what is probably his last few years on earth. probably best not to go down that rabbit hole as i’m already tearing up.

i’d like to blame ovulation / rise of estrogen for the longing i’ve been having for children. which has really been an unnecessary addition to these past few weeks (i only ovulate one week out of the month or something but sure). i think i always wanted to have a child or at least be in a relationship working towards that goal by 25, and now that the year is ending in a few months, that fantasy i created will officially be over. even worse, i’m not even close to that ‘goal’. i’m not in a secure relationship or building something with someone, and have no real plan or even willingness to form a plan to get there. i’m equally sick of planning things with a.b.s. as i am ‘going with the flow’ and seeing where it gets me. i make no claim to know what the fuck i’m supposed to do with the situation at hand since he doesn’t plan on doing anything.

that being said, i’m writing it here because i intend on sticking to it, and i can at least hold myself accountable (somewhat lmao). i’m not having sex with him until he cuts off contact with south korea. i’m sick and tired and completely done with this fucking situation honestly. we’ve spoken about it, agreed that it’s pointless, agreed that he should stop – and he still hasn’t (shocker!). i’m sick of pretending it has no effect on me in an attempt to ‘put less pressure on him’. fuck that. i don’t deserve any of the weird shit he’s put me through and i’m tired of constantly allowing him to do it over and over. it’s not fair. it’s not right. i would never have let that slide at any other point in my life, so i have no reason to now.

i miss the fiend i used to be as a teenager / early adult sometimes. how strict i was with men. i used to break up with l.c. at the first sign of discontent with his actions. similarly, p.n. used to try his best to show me how much he cared / make me happy because he knew i’d walk away otherwise. i let a few terrible men renew my insecurities and make me anxious about my romantic relationships when i used to be able to walk away at the first sign of disrespect.

if i had done so with a.b.s., this would’ve probably barely lasted a month.

although i suppose it’s different with him. it’s always been different with him. koi no yokan. despite the things ‘wrong’ with him. it’s simply him.

i’m going to stop talking about this now. because the two options are to either recommit to it in my head, or believe that it’s best i walk away; and i don’t really feel like doing either of those things.

— — —

it’s 3 am and i was meant to sleep early since i need to be up early. fuck.

it’s been really nice to write actually. to just dump thoughts out. especially since i chose a more casual tone for the entire thing unlike what i usually try to do here. it’s a lil brain dump! i’m confused and lonely and uncertain most of the time; but right now i’m just ariana, sitting in bed, on my laptop, far too long past my bedtime, listening to the rain, wondering what life has in store for me. exactly like when i was a teenager, dreaming of this exact day. and while it isn’t what i thought it’d be, i think it’s definitely better.

i might not always be happy, but i’m not a miserable teenage girl anymore, hoping for my life to end. i know better now, i know that i can just choose to reinvent it if i want to. i’m in complete control of how it goes.

(that’s a really nice note to end it on. i should reread midnight library & properly annotate it this time)