to love for the hope of it all

i keep forgetting how much agency i have in my life. i think keeping it in mind instead of letting other people completely dictate my life is what i must do from now on; more than ever.

—

relevantly, i forgot how easy men are. i suppose i’ve actively tried to act ‘good’ so long i forgot that the world isn’t. i forgot that you can’t just trust anyone with anything anymore. especially not men.

‘are you happy with [insert thing i’m actively unhappy with and want to change]’ works simply because they like to feel like they’re the one in charge of the decision. even after expressing that i felt guilty and wanted a change because i subconsciouly do know i shouldn’t be lowering myself to this situation, nor letting someone else be unknowingly involved; i doubt he thought much of the fact i brought up the topic besides that ‘it’s been on my mind’. i wouldn’t say it was particularly cunning of me, nor that i really wanted to go through with it, because i knew that it would make me feel a certain type of way (what that way is, i’m not sure yet); but this new situation is better for the both of us.

he can come to the conclusion he wants to be with me all by his own, and i can learn to recenter the focus of my life to myself. regardless of timing, both of those things need to happen. i need to learn that my favourite person in the world is myself; not anyone else. although i do enjoy a.b.s.’ company and conversation, it’s also objectively fact that i am the one who leads conversations, initiates activities and basically dictates the time we have. i’m the one in charge. that’s what i get for pursuing more laidback type of men that don’t mind going through life. i like that about them. i love that about him. he can focus on the task at hand, let things roll off his back and remain calm. i admire the tranquility – how simple it appears to simply live.

i know that isn’t really me.

for the time being, i’ve achieved the result i wanted without feeling incredibly vulnerable again. let him ‘lead’ the conversation and situation. it suits us both. i’m not entirely sure how self-destructive it is yet, as i know that this is also my twisted attempt at ruining things before he can. he’s not really the one who chose to leave things until he figures things out. i prefer him thinking he does. it makes sure that i can’t go back on how i feel about not having an active romantic relationship until he does.

—

i’m aware that most of this narrative is also just coping with whatever more negative feelings i’m experiencing at the moment, even though i do know it’s best for me. best for both of us really.

i love him.

i’m not sure to what extent, if i’m in love or not. because i don’t feel i could if i don’t trust him. it’s not ‘safe’ to be, so i can’t allow myself to be. it’s as easy as that (maybe). it has to be that simple. i’m making it so.

distance will help us in completely opposite ways. while the time away may make him feel closer to me, or at least create the desire to; it may cause the opposite in me, which is what i need. my only focus must be myself. myself and my exams and my daily life.

—

i talk so much and so decisively for somebody who can never tell where her head is actually at; considering i can never tell whether to let my head or heart lead my actions. i don’t think it matters in this case. the lack of intimacy will be better for both parts of me. as much as i continue to care about him.

i have to be the most important person in my life.