to love for the hope of it all

i almost downloaded hinge tonight (as in, 20 minutes ago). i rationalised during my late night shower that i wouldn’t be doing anything ‘wrong’ with regards to a.b.s., especially considering that we’re nothing but ‘friends’ at the moment. i thought of myself being clear on my profile that i’m looking for my future husband and trying to think of how i would want to present myself to him. pondering which hobbies and interests to put, thinking of which pictures portray me best, curating how i would want him to think of me.

it only took me to insert my name that i remembered just how little i want to do this.

just how little i want to move on from things with a.b.s. and pretend they didn’t or don’t matter to me. i can try to avoid it however i’d like, but the reality of my attraction for him doesn’t go anywhere.

i’m hoping for a quick route to a destination i’ve always wanted to arrive to: marriage. i’m hoping that the universe will one day drop the man who i’m supposed to be with forever in front of me, and he’ll know just like i will that we were meant to find each other.

i don’t think that’s how it works.

i’ve known for awhile that my younger desires surrounding a romantic relationship were extravagant and fairy-tale-like at best, toxic and manipulative at worst. i tend to expect too much of people because although the men that i choose rarely actually do, i always think they’re capable of better. i think that’s the crux really of my problem with the opposite gender. i hope for them to be better than they present. i see a man with obvious red flags: controversial political opinions, usually a penchant for narcissism and an already apparent lack of care for me; and expect him to treat me well. hope that i can bring out the ‘best’ side of him. truth is, there usually isn’t much to bring out. and yet i hope and hope and try and try anyway. i bleed my sanity dry trying to understand why i can’t bring it out in them. why they can’t be an ideal version of themselves for me.

i will say, i feel i’ve easily been the most understanding and compassionate with a.b.s., and most of what i’ve gotten in return is embarrassment and hurt. i asked him earlier if he’d ask me random questions while playing a game, in hopes of not only distracting me from my own impulse of blurting out whatever detrimental question is on my mind, but also encouraging him to learn more about me. he refused. when i asked if he was ever curious about things relating to me, he told me he was. i think he realised during that conversation how little he actually does enquire about me on a day-to-day basis.

he knows how i feel about the american military complex, and what i think about the importance of digital privacy (both things that occasionally interest him); but how much does he know about the simple random things?

does he know that my favourite colour combination is green and purple / pink? or that my childhood stuffed animal was one i received for being the most well-behaved in class when i was 5? does he know that the pink axolotl i sleep with every night is called iris (something i named with my ex and always hated)? does he know that i pin my hair up into a messy ponytail when i’m home alone or cooking? does he know that i like starting my day with uplifting music to get in a good mindframe? and that i hate feeling dirty or sweaty?

does he know i miss playing tennis? that i miss the tennis summer camps i used to as a child in montreal? that i miss playing cards with my grandparents every single weekend? that i miss feeling ‘at home’ every single day?

[i’ve gone on an entirely separate tangent i fear. i do wonder if he knows that i sometimes carry the regret of having left my grandparents in montreal and often wonder what my life would look like if i stayed there. or if i finally gave up on my dreams in this country, and him, and left.]

does he know that i hate the colour orange for no real reason? or that i think i’m slightly allergic to kiwi (with no real proof)? or more relevant even, that i used to only get sushi as a teenager to celebrate events with my mum, so everytime i order it for myself it reminds me of her and that’s part of why i do so often?

more than that, does he care? does anyone?

there’s a quote i read awhile ago that always resonates when i ruminate about this:

I have dreams of you asking me better questions. Your desire to know more makes the love feel fuller. Then I open my eyes and you’re never as curious as I want

[turns out by the way, this is from a random post on tumblr. i’m not sure why but that feels incredibly fitting considering how formative the entire platform was for me as a teenager. and more than that, that a random person from a random place in the world has had the exact same feeling as i have: a comforting thought.]

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my brain has the unfortunate skill of remembering details that hurt me (i’m not sure if that’s meant to be a coping mechanism or a survival one). after hearing that a.b.s. finds conversation with the woman in s.k. to be ‘vapid’ (an incredulously rude way of talking about a woman you’ve slept with and are actively keeping contact with), i wonder if it’s just because she doesn’t really make an effort to maintain conversation with him the way that he was used to / is with me.

i realised quite awhile ago that while i may like my friends as individual people, a.b.s. included, the time spent together is enjoyable because i try my best to make it so. i try to create interesting conversations and make sure everyone is included (aka not too niche of a topic even though i prefer those discussions with a.b.s.). i try to think of activities to do, even if just sat at a pub, to make the entire experience more enjoyable.

as conceited as this is going to sound: i think i often confuse the fun or interesting time i create for the person i’m with being fun or interesting, and then i’m disappointed that they’re not. i eventually realise at some point that they’re not really as enjoyable as i thought they were.

with a.b.s., i don’t know if it’s just the recent lack of effort that makes it so, or if the appeal is just starting to wear off because maintaining a relationship i’m happy with has become too difficult. it’s become too hard to ignore that he’s still in contact with her. that he’s bad at checking in on me. that he has difficulty expressing how he feels. it feels like a number of things that once didn’t really bother me simply because they were him are coming back in full force to remind me why it’s a better idea to stop romantic involvement (and potentially, friendship). despite telling him that i want him to make an effort, he can’t. whether that’s because he doesn’t want to or simply doesn’t know how to doesn’t really make a difference. even when i ask for something as simple as follow-through on something he already wants to do.

god even thinking about that situation just pisses me the fuck off. how goddamn childish and stubborn for no reason can you be? the person whose company you probably enjoy the most is asking you to stop contact with someone that you admit there’s no point in talking to and it’s a dragged out problem? and now i’m supposed to be waiting for you to ‘decide what to do’ (what the fuck does that even mean) without opening my mouth for clarity.

[i’m actually genuinely annoyed because it feels SO unfair to treat me like that after i’ve done my best to express how i feel. to just throw everything back in my face with the only defense being ‘i don’t want you to wait, just do your thing’ – YOU are part of that you absolutely fucking moron. you’re what i want. a less fucked up version of this.]

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i’ve gotten so incredibly off base. this was originally supposed to be a reflection on how i have to learn to be patient and look forward to receiving what i am asking for from the universe. i am asking for a good man to be my future husband and father of my children. if that is a.b.s., then he will find it in himself to be a good man to me and treat me well (sooner rather than later); if he isn’t, then the universe will help me get over him and ultimately find the man i’m supposed to be with. it is as simple as that. it is so because i said. it’s that easy.

i strive to be good. in all that i do. i try to show up for people and be supportive and caring, even when it’s the difficult thing to do.

i deserve good things. i deserve to get everything i want. and i will. i already have so far. good things flock to me. i attract positivity and success in all of my actions. good things are coming.

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i am going to sleep 😀 goodnight ari, love you!

(that took almost an hour to write, with a break to use the toilet & enjoy taylor swift’s iheartradio awards wins and happiness through my phone screen)