to love for the hope of it all

how i feel about people can’t keep overriding the way they treat me.

i made the choice at 19 to cut contact with ela despite her being my best friend for years because i could tell it wasn’t going anywhere positive for either of us, and i subsequently relinquished my other friends in istanbul.

i cut contact with what was my sorority (and really at that point, what was my life) because i was continuously being overlooked and undermined.

as much as my heart sometimes years for people i used to know, they’re just memories. memories i remember fondly and in times of weakness, wish i could return to. those people don’t exist anymore in the way i used to know them.

—

i don’t really recognise the friends i used to know as m.c. or a.b.s.. the first has created a gap that even i don’t see the need in closing anymore, openly admiting as recently as yesterday night that ‘we’re just like everyone else know. our friendship used to mean something but know it’s just average!’.

i love to blame myself for ruining things, genuinely finding joy in finding yet another reason to dislike myself; but i need to genuinely evaluate the idea that i pick the wrong people. to befriend, to date, to love. i keep picking people to whom i don’t mean much.

after a millionth attempt to explain to a.b.s. that i deserve something, i don’t see the point anymore. it’s all in vain. i force myself so hard to overcome my own fear of vulnerability and intimacy, and it’s completely lost on someone who just doesn’t care. [listening to cellophane by fka twigs seems fitting right now, so i’ve got a great soundtrack to lament my life choices to at the very least]

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i always hate that stupid water in a cup analogy you see online about people’s capacity to provide care / attention or really anything; but it reminds me time and time again that it’s relevant for a reason. if i have a tall, full glass of love to give, even a small percentage of that seems overwhelming to someone with a shorter glass – it overflows their emotional capacity. similarly, when they try pouring their water into my cup, it never quite feels satiating compared to the available ‘space’. [terrible exaplanation because it’s more of a visual really but oh well this is my space anyway]. we’re just different people.

i keep asking for something that a.b.s. doesn’t know (or want) to give at the moment, and keep being disappointed. it’s been months of ‘being clear’, and ‘explaining myself’ and the truth is that nothing has changed. he hasn’t tried to be more attentive or ‘care’ (i hate that any and all feelings have been reduced to one word because it’s more palatable to someone who struggles with emotion). he’s shown time and time again that he’s not able or willing (the second being the truth, but i like to at least entertain the idea of the first one to make myself feel better); so why do i keep waiting for him to do it? it’s stupidity.

—

alibis by mariana’s trench seems to really be reasonating with me right now.

“But I’m in the same place I used to be
But I’m trying harder not to be

This is not the man I hoped to be
And I’m just trying to stop the bleeding
I don’t know how to word it
I just started to deserve it.”

i’m honestly too tired to go through a whole evaluation of the person i’ve become right now. i’m sleep deprived and sad and i don’t want to actively feel worse about myself right now.

—

i’m no longer asking for things that i know i won’t receive. i’m too tired to keep asking for people to care about me. everyone can just do what they want from now on. if that means spending a number of my evenings for the foreseeable future at home alone, then so be it (i can grind valorant at least i guess lol). it feels worse to keep hoping people will make an effort for me, than it is to just move on and wish that things had been different; so i guess that’s it.