to love for the hope of it all

i have a lot to write about.

i don’t particularly feel like going into all of it right now, as a lot of it is layered with feelings and thoughts i have yet to completely work out, but i have some initial, pertinent ones to share now.

i started watching parks and recreation again and have been reminded of how nice it is to have hope in the world. how lovely it is to approach life with a clear mindset on how you plan to achieve your goals, and how much work it requires (that isn’t necessarily boring or mindnumbing). leslie knope manages to find a way to get everything that needs to be done in a day (and more), while maintaining a positive attitude and a unwavering belief in herself.

those are the things i feel i have lost. i find general, basic tasks in the day uninteresting (at the moment especially) and like a waste of time, without replacing that time with anything useful – there are a million activities / hobbies i was hoping to do in the free time i find myself enjoying, but i have yet to tackle any. i don’t watch new films or shows alone. i eat the same things on repeat when dining alone. i find no joy in a clean environment unless accompanied. i don’t feel like i’m living for myself at the moment. i think i barely feel like i’m living at all.

i was making such good strides in not centering my life around other people (so i thought) but without my friendships to tether myself, my life sorta just revolves around nothing.

i don’t feel i have any ambition left. which i really hate about myself at the moment. i’ve always been ambitious; i’ve always had things i wanted to achieve and more than that, a plan on how to achieve them. i assume it must be because i achieved all of the short term things i had planned on achieving: getting into mcgill, moving to canada, living in montreal, spending time with nana and stepan dede, graduating, moving to london, studying law; all while pursuing my larger goal of an eventual family with children (as i was non-stop in relationships during that entire time).

now – while i know that my goals are to pass my bar, start working and form a meaningful relationship; they feel so much more abstract. i don’t feel i know how to achieve the things i want to do; or even more than that, if i have what it takes in me to achieve them.

the goal of making significant friendships comes to mind: while i do want to make new friends that will enrich my life with interesting conversation and activities – it doesn’t always feel like i can do that without walking away from my current group of friends, which feels really difficult.

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it turns out it’s harder to restart at 25 than it is at 18. i didn’t really know that 😦

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my love life is a large question mark with no sign of resolution besides having to walk away from someone i care about. i’ve become so focused with the importance of romance in my life that it feels sometimes like i’ve just fully forgotten there’s more to life. i’ve spent all of mine thinking of other people and how to help them and serve them and fit into their life that i forgot to think about what i wanted for mine. when i think about what i want, it only really concerns other people – a husband who loves me, kids i can take care of, friends who like spending time with me, a job that makes me enough money to be financially stable enough to pay for things for people. none of that is actually concerning me. it’s not that i’m healthy. or happy. or successful. or wealthy (for my own sake). or anything that’s really in my control.

all of the goals i want to achieve (that i name at the moment) are not in my full control, and it makes their pursuit so much more difficult. mcgill and moving to montreal was for me. everything in montreal was for me. moving to london was for me. i don’t know if studying law feels like it is; i remain unsure on my own reasoning for choosing the field most of the time. is thinking you’d be good at something enough reason to pursue it? is hoping you can make some form of change, mostly in order to feel like your life has meaning, enough reason?

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i think the truth is that since meeting a.b.s., someone i feel really compatible with, i find it hard to remember to prioritise anything but love. it’s all i’ve ever wanted. just to feel loved, truly. never getting it from him gives me something to ‘pursue’, to ‘chase’ – which while i hate doing, i suppose is the only thing i really know how to do; going for what i want.

my future career scares me. failing my exam again scares me. needing to restart with someone entirely and opening up to them and everything all over again, with the risk of being ‘wrong’ like i was in the past scares me. the continuing rejection i face with a.b.s. is familiar; and i wonder if that’s the only reason i stick to it sometimes. some filthy need for approval from someone else. a disgusting need for validation from someone that doesn’t know how to give it.

i’m good at surrounding myself with people who make me feel just enough to get through the day until i realise i want more and attempt to ‘restart’ my life, leaving them in the past. when they stop serving that purpose, i tell myself that i’ve outgrown them with all of the progress i’ve made, disproportionately to the way that they’ve evolved. i think the truth is that i know people only really like me for a short amount – or do i like them only for that amount until the veil finally lifts itself and i see them for who they are rather than who i want? i don’t know anymore. people like me when i’m palatable, easy – easy to handle, easy to use, easy to hurt. i serve a purpose then.

i don’t know that i am aware of who i am when i’m not simply trying to prove a purpose to someone else. i worry it’s the only thing i know how to do.

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i know that my continuation here should be hopeful about my ability to change myself for the better and ‘rediscover’ who i am and everything else that self help books preach. but right now at least, at almost 1 am on a random tuesday/wednesday, i’m not capable of doing so.

all i can think about right now is wonder about where i’ve gone ‘wrong’ to get to here right now. i don’t know a version of me who hasn’t prioritised other people, even as a young child – a version that didn’t try to appease all of the adults growing up, doing anything to ease their lives; a version who didn’t bake for every birthday in high school in order to make closer friends and seek validation from everyone; a version who didn’t do everything possible for the sorority to prove they could be useful in an attempt to finally feel they belonged somewhere; a version who doesn’t check their phone constantly hoping they’ve received a text back from someone they care about, or doesn’t get ready for every pub / activity outing trying to look good enough to be worthy of attention or affection that evening.

there hasn’t a version of me that doesn’t try so unbelievably hard to feel normal, worthy of love or desirable; usually ending in some form of failure anyway.

i’ve never been a natural; all i do is try, try try.

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while i like watching leslie knope show time and time again that it’s worth trying and things can get done and all the trouble is worthwhile. it looks exhausting. it feels exhausting and it is. to care so much constantly and not get much in return; to not have much to show for it at the end of the day. i get into the same bed. alone. cold. hoping that tomorrow will be better and i’ll somehow feel fulfilled. and i never really do.