to love for the hope of it all

birthday eve eve! (friends reference)

this will probably be my last post as a twenty-five year old. what a fucking year it’s been. ups and downs and i can barely remember what has actually happened since. it’s just a mess of emotion.

i’m sad at the moment, so this will be a sad post; with probably very little attempt to make myself feel better (although hope always seems to grow through the cracks when i start writing). i haven’t written in a long time (end of april) because i’ve been trying to ignore really dwelving into my feelings. i think they would be long overdue and it always seems like too much to deal with. i got sidetracked by a reminder about a post i wrote exactly a year ago following my birthday trip to brighton; and how i reached the conclusion that i needed different friends – i fear this year’s post doesn’t offer much more of interest.

while i think recent conversations with a.b.s. have been particularly anxiety-inducing, i actually believe that my general sense of dread and built up resentment is towards most everything else in my life. i’ve been living with the feeling of unfulfillness for a long while now, pretending that i can’t feel the borders of my loneliness suffocating me. not much that i do actually feels like enough. interactions with friends are fun in the moment but end up lackluster, as do familial conversations. i feel like i’m acting out a script that is poorly rewritten every single day.

my body has never felt more tight and uncomfortable. i feel constantly on edge and waiting for bad things to happen, which i feel impacts me negatively physically. i’m going to book a deep tissue massage in the morning because while i’ve been putting it off, my body has been suffering the consequences (my jaw is in a constant state of dull pain).

none of my friends feel like they’re serving me anymore. it feels like i’m living the life of someone i used to be and never really wanted for myself – only events planned are alcohol-based, sitting around a familiar table rehashing conversations. i’ve stopped putting as much effort into relationships that had already been declining and while i no longer face the rejection i used to, i just don’t receive or feel anything (for the most part).

joy seems only available to me in fleeting moments that i cannot ever choose to create myself. for the very least, my nervous system has been in a state of panic for the last twenty four hours (and i would guess, much more than that). it truly feels like i’m waiting for the end of the world to arrive at the moment (- it isn’t).

[ i took a pause from writing to search up ways to regulate my nervous system, leading me to vagus nerve stimulation, and finally how to perform a carotid sinus massage in an attempt to do so. while i suspect it is a simple placebo effect, it actually do feel more relaxed – i’m still booking the massage tomorrow morning ]

ultimately, i feel what i need is to let go of most everything in my life, which is about as daunting as it sounds. i want a full reinvention. a reset. i will make strides to do so this year and hopefully have a much happier message for myself next year.

i’ve gotten too comfortably tired to keep writing or reflecting lol. i may write tomorrow if i feel the need; but i kind of hope i don’t.