while i do want to debrief and delve into the changes so far in my life, i’ve felt the need to write right now for a reason.
i believe it’s a full moon tonight, beautiful as ever. it’s my third day in bodrum this year, having flown in directly from london on monday morning. i’m expecting company from friends this weekend to enjoy the holiday. these are all facts.
i feel lonely. that’s another fact. it feels like another year where i just wish i have people, or i guess more specifically, someone, to share things with. the reality is that i have unanswered messages and calls i could respond to, but none of it feels fulfilling. i’m not sure that any time spent on the phone feels fulfilling anymore. it feels like nobody is as curious as i am about other people. i don’t feel that anybody in my life is trying to form a particularly meaningful connection with me as of late.
i sit here staring at the moon, grateful to be away from my family in the house over, messages left ignored. i feel like i’m waiting for something that has no intention of coming. like i’m permanently stuck in a state of stand by waiting for something to break me out of it and make me feel like a real human being, but the thing doesn’t exist. no one can really do that for me besides myself; i’m aware of that.
i reckon that’s why i’ve always adored the idea of a family and children – permanent additions / fixtures of life that remain at your side because they have to. i’ve never met a man that made me feel confident in his ability to form a partnership with me, i think it’s always felt unequal. i don’t know that i’ve ever felt like a.b.s. and i are on equal playing fields. i think it’s always felt like he’s keeping me at arm’s length no matter how hard i try. psychology would say that’s why i continue to entertain the situation, whatever it has become at this point.
i’ve been made a promise that i don’t know whether he intends to keep. i think i keep hoping he’s going to turn around and be ready for a relationship – but i don’t think that’s happening anytime soon. for someone who wants something stable and long-standing, i have a penchant for unpredictable men. i suppose that really is because of my father. or even just my family. never really knowing what to expect and being happy when i’ve guessed correctly or done a number of acts in a secretly correct sequence that makes them proud of me.
i think ultimately i just want life to stop feeling so difficult. i think that’s my real worry with loneliness as well, because i do enjoy the peace and quiet. i want someone that wants to make things easier for me – that wants to make sure i’m okay and play an active part in making things i find hard, simpler. i’ve never met a man that made me feel that way. relationships really only add issues onto things as you tend to have expectations for a person (even if you promise you’re trying not to), that they can disappoint.
i wish a.b.s. were more communicative. i understand that it’s the price of the importance of his independence, but i wish my difficulty with it were taken into account even slightly because i’m the one who always finds myself compromising. i’d love to be met halfway one day. i don’t think i’ve ever met a man who made me feel that way either – like they genuinely wanted to meet me somewhere in the middle.
as i say this – a.b.s. responded to the images i sent of the full moon with a standard text about the ability to see it in england too. he’s just never quite as curious as i want him to be. i don’t know whether to reply or simply call him, or show my distaste for his banal text by ignoring it – i’ll probably call in half an hour.
i just don’t ever feel like people are actually curious about me as a person. as an individual. like anyone is ever interested in why i act the way i act, or what i think about things, or even just about what i’d like in the moment. i suppose my family do in some way, when it comes to taste in food, but it always feels so superficial. it’s a tiny speckle of who i actually am as a person. am i not interesting enough? do i not deserve it as a person?
it perpetually feels like i’ve done something wrong in my life to deserve punishment – not enough to be able to openly lament, for if i were to express my loneliness or unhappiness when in situations that, by all means, seem perfect, i’m being ungrateful. and perhaps i am. it just feels like no matter how much i try, i always fall short of deserving what i want. in my wiser and less melancholic times, i would say that it might just be a sign of wanting the wrong things, but right now, i just wonder why it never happens.
i fight so hard for things that don’t even end up serving me well by the end. all i get for attempting things is disappointment.
i remember the name of this blog to pull me out of whatever mood i’m currently in. the whole point of life is to hope and try. hope for good things and try to make them happen. try to always find a way to hope for good. remember that no matter what, it’s better to try than to not.
(i’m ringing a.b.s., who in fact, did not answer.)
it’s always better to keep trying. and to keep hope for better times. if not, what is the point of staying alive.
things can always change (as it is, after all, inevitable; so they will anyway), and they can always get better. it’s completely within my hands to do so. i get so enthralled in the idea of fate and the universe and destiny – that i do believe in and somewhat abide by regardless, that i also forget that to receive things, i have to openly want and ask for them. i need to put myself in a situation to receive them. otherwise, they do not know to find me. closed mouths don’t get fed.
to love for the hope of it all 
Leave a comment