to love for the hope of it all

i’m sat around sunrise on a terrace in bodrum with a.b.s.. while this could be the pinnacle of romance and co-existence, i just wonder what i want for myself.

having guests in turkey was nice, but being around everyone for that long reminds me that i don’t really feel i relate or even at times, like them. i don’t think there’s a single night since he came that a.b.s. has been sober. i wonder if he was getting drunk every night in south korea. i know the answer.

this year’s trip is leaving me with the same feeling as last – a genuine questioning of why the fuck i’m friends with the people i am when i never feel like they care about me. i think the reality with my feeling of never being really considered or taken into account is that the people i’m supposed to be closest to do not really care about me. i can’t tell if a.b.s. does. i’m left feeling like i need a new life all over again. like i need to just start from zero and build up because the current situation cannot be the pinnacle.

i feeling i can’t separate the difference between an actual issue and me thinking that i’m sabotaging things again. drinking is a problem. i’ve rarely before complained about a.b.s.’s drinking – although i suppose that isn’t entirely true: his unreliability often stems from his altered state of mind. i often think that when things are going well between us i find a new issue to hone in on and put myself in a position to decide all over again whether it’s something i find worth it. is this just another example of it? or has he simply fallen asleep one too many times whilst on top of me to ignore anymore?

i don’t think i’ve looked at him yet this morning. he’s sat directly facing the sun and i’m not sure i can bear being annoyed if i do look at how it’s reflecting on his skin and hair. i don’t know whether to bring something up or not.

i interrupt my reading to take another look at my soulmate reading i received on etsy some time last year that lives on my desktop screen. i don’t know whether that’s made me feel better or worse.