to love for the hope of it all

it’s just about two hours since a.b.s. left, and while i know i should probably have at least one coherent thought about the things that were discussed – i don’t.

i did learn something about myself: i now detest crying. there was a time i would happily say that it doesn’t bother me, and, in the strangest way possible, i don’t think it does when alone and out in public. i can justify a stray tear in the night, headphones in, looking out of a bus window picturing a movie scene or music video. i can no longer sit in front of a person and cry. i’m not sure at what point of the last few years i genuinely convinced myself to stop being vulnerable with people, but i don’t think i like it.

having to be so open about everything is mortifying. asking a.b.s. to say specific words or sentences because i know i need to hear them for my own sanity instead of just inferring what he means or feels physically bothered me. tonight was a level of vulnerability that scares me. i don’t want to be capable of doing that. of being so honest with someone who, realistically, doesn’t understand the magnitude of the actual situation. i poured all of my thoughts out there tonight, and i’m left exhausted.

i’m left feeling lost, abandoned and more confused than ever. i accepted what i wanted long ago, but find myself wondering if it’s worth it. if he is. i don’t even like thinking that, much less focusing on it, as it just seems wrong. he’s the best person i know. he’s worth making an effort for.

at what point is it too much effort asked for? where is my breaking point? the entire situation is much simpler than it seems. the thing that seems to be impeding on any coherence is lack of romantic feeling. how goddamn ridiculous. i’ve dealt with not feeling worthy of love for a number of reasons, but that someone simply doesn’t think they have deep feelings for me has never been one. i’ve always accepted that i’m not the easiest person to love. i think i would have felt a lot more loved by others in my life if i were. i’m an easy person to stand. to tolerate. but not to love.

i can try to do as much work as i want on myself, but this also isn’t about me. i could write a full fucking book on what i believe to be the reasons that a.b.s. is feeling or acting this way; but rationalising it only helps to ease the hurt temporarily. at the end of the day, here’s somebody who knows that i fit the future he wants for himself, is offering it, and more, and does their best to appreciate him and make him feel loved; and he isn’t sure about wanting me.

when am i supposed to find someone who does want me? is anybody ever going to? to look at me and be sure? to look at me and see someone they don’t want to lose?

i just want to be wanted. i want to feel like someone cares. not because they want to but because they physically couldn’t stop caring if they tried to. i want a great love. i don’t think i’ve ever been destined for one.

i think some people inherently are. and you can tell. those people are meant to be loved. they’re meant to be adored. i’m not one of them.

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this may be the first time i use this blog as i intended at its creation during the dark days (a better term for the new years fiasco) – a true expression of my worst thoughts. i could rationalise my way out of feeling it, quite easily frankly, but i think i’m too worn to do so. i feel like a book hanging on to the last glue on my spine, waiting to fall apart. waiting for the pages to spill onto the floor and struggle to piece back together.

even now, i feel i’m awaiting impending doom. knowing it’s coming and that i should move out of the way to minimise the damage but incapable of doing so. do i enjoy the pain? do i feel i deserve it? am i destined for a life of self-sabotage? can anyone stop me? can i?

i understand why my nervous system is continuously on guard and alert. it knows something that i don’t. it knows that i’ll keep trying until it finally breaks me.

to love for the hope of it all. what a lovely thought. what a painful concept. she didn’t end up with her love in the song. am i hoping to end up with mine?

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i’m too tired to think any longer.

neither of us seems to be able to stick to our word about ending us. i don’t mind.

everytime i think that we’ve finally reached our natural end, it only seems to strengthen things enough to keep it aflame. with fire comes the risk of burn, and although i’ve never liked the heat or considered myself as much of a risk-taker, that may not be the case when it comes to you.

how extremely poetic and far too grandiose for the experience of the last few days. i always reprimand myself for being unable to focus on the positive in the world in case it goes away, but that’s never quite the case with a.b.s. i give chance after chance after chance, not for lack of a backbone or discipline or some other lame excuse; but because i simply don’t want to let it go.

being able to enjoy a film and a brief lil time on a videogame was really quite lovely. i think the thing i miss most about one-on-one time isn’t the romantic aspect of it, but rather the opportunity to just talk about whatever, whenever we want to without being redirected or reprimanded by others. i continue to repeat a sentiment i’ve held from our first meeting: even if this isn’t meant to be some great romance, it’s a grand friendship – it’s been really nice to have someone match me on an intellectual, academic level again. i haven’t gotten the opportunity to really explore certain life questions or points of view since my undergraduate degree and i truly missed it.

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things with m.c. only seem to be getting more tense and confrontational as time goes by and i’m not quite sure what to make of it. i think more than anything the process of laying boundaries and voicing opinions i’ve been practicing in the new year seems to be getting in the way of our friendship. i’m certain there’s some negative conclusion to be drawn from that but i’d rather chalk it up to present tensions in personal life.

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i’m really pleased with the progress i’m making in my studies. i’ve been doing what i must to finally pass this exam and i’m proud of myself. i keep trying not to let my fear of failure hinder me, and i’d like to think i’m doing quite well at the moment! i just need to keep doing it and stick to my scheduling as best as possible.

in the same vein, i think it would do me wonders to reinstate morning walks and workouts in the evening, accompanied by stretching.

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“happy to have you, goodnight”

an exhausted message that i could easily read into for my own satisfaction. i know i shouldn’t but i may let myself indulge this evening. the goodbye kiss, although awkward by my own fault, might symbolise something. ultimately, i’m not certain it does. i would like to think it does. {of course you would based on your emotions – i hear inklings of a.b.s.’ rhetoric in my self-censoring.}

i think tonight might also include indulging in my memories of last night, or rather, early this morning. certain expressions, actions and words have been engrained in my head since. i know i’m trying to behave more ladylike and proper in general, but it does not mean that the intention has reached my thoughts yet.

he’s ruined it. like i thought he would. like i was hoping he wouldn’t but ultimately knew that he would.

i’m always so focused on me ruining it that i ignore that he keeps doing it. i think it’s time to let him lie in the embers of the house fire he keeps pushing for. this can’t be what it’s meant to be. it’s not supposed to be this difficult.

i’m tired. it’s time for bed.

i haven’t written in a good while. i’m not quite sure if that’s because i haven’t felt the need, or because i’ve been ignoring thinking about my feelings and thoughts recently – i’m fairly certain it’s an unhealthy mix of both. i wrote in a diary sometime last year that i have difficulty journaling or keeping written track in some form of times i feel happy as i seem to not really trust those feelings enough. it’s like i delude myself into being happy in whatever circumstances are occurring simply because i want to, or that’s what i thought at some point.

i think it’s something else entirely, testament to the fact that i haven’t really written as of late. i think i’m quite terrified of when things are going well and i’m happy because i feel like i’m waiting for the other shoe to drop – for the devastating event to occur; for the terrible news to be heard. i don’t document when i’m happy because it’s too sad to revisit once things have turned sour.

in a happy summary of the last few weeks: my parents’ divorce was settled, i got my master’s in legal practice, things have been going really well with a.b.s., i’ll legally be allowed to stay in the uk for another two years and thus move, i’m all around quite happy.

i believe the ‘going really well’ part is the only uncertain part that looms. as things improve i’m having to face deep-rooted fears and worries of my own – albeit some planted there by him; and figure out what i really want. it’s no longer as easy as ‘a relationship no matter what it looks like’. that being said, i know he’s truly making an effort since we last had a conversation about it and genuinely taking what i say into account. i think the main worry is that it’s all going to get blown off again under the guist of ‘trying it but not really working’. i’m so scared that at some point he turns around and finally concludes that he doesn’t think i’m worth the effort. on a completely separate note, i still have no clue about communication with anyone else – namely, the mystery woman in south korea, as i’m genuinely terrified to ask. i know he’ll answer honestly and i don’t know if that makes it better or worse (definitely better, i do love that he’s always truthful about those sorts of things).

i’m so happy with how things have been recently and feel he’s really keeping an open-mind and making an effort. i’m just scared of getting too happy about it and ending up disappointed again. i can’t put myself through another low period (that’s putting it extremely lightly for what it was) with my last retake of the sqe coming up. frankly i can’t deal with it all again. the utter humiliation and embarassment. i think that’s why i haven’t told anyone that things have been going better recently, and by extension why i haven’t written about it. journaling about the joy it brings just gives me something to look back on and miss once it goes away. god how cynical of me.

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otherwise, it really does feel like everything is falling into place recently, as i expected it to once springtime started. the romance might be as well and i’m just being more cautious about it than usual, which is ultimately a good thing (probably?). i’ve been making an effort to really study for this exam and give it everything that i can while maintaining my friendships, relationships with family, my house in a good state and most importantly my mental health.

i should be going on more walks. i’m trying to explore why my body feels so off this week and i fear the simple answer might just be that my period is coming soon. i’d like to try switching up some of my eating habits to see if small changes can help feel better physically. i’ve honestly been feeling quite fulfilled otherwise.

i adore my friendships, a.b.s. included and have accepted that my weekdays are going to be filled with painful but necessary studying. it’ll be worth it in a few months. i need to be better with consistency and discipline.

i’m really happy with the person i’ve become and continue to grow into. i could be doing better i suppose, making strides in areas i know i’m lacking; but i’m also living the life i dreamt for myself when i was younger. i’m achieving the goals i set for myself, albeit slowly and gradually. i’m surrounded by good people and making efforts to continue setting myself up for success. i’d like to do that with a.b.s. at my side and figure out what works for us, but i’m fine to do it alone. i hate the cliche of ending it on such a high and positive note (i really shouldn’t, i should just be glad i can), but i’m going to end on a lil taylor swift lyric:

“So make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it
You’ve got no reason to be afraid.”

i shall return to my studying (well, finishing up for the evening) in order to settle into bed with a nice tea and continuing to read the fountainhead.

i’m not sure i was taught how to love correctly, if at all. i worry that the forms of love that i know simply range from superficial to all-encompassing with no possibility of any middle ground. i rarely am able to feel loved. comforting words and paramours only last so long when you deem yourself unable to be truly understood and thus, loved.

i suppose that sentence is only half-true. i often share the acknowledgments that members of my family do love me, especially those i feel kept at arm’s length by. i don’t doubt that they do think they love me. but can you truly love someone you don’t know? and more than that, don’t care to know?

the bonds of blood and familiarity can only run so deep if an effort is not made to upkeep it. my family love the version of me they first met, a minute into the world, unsullied, no opinions, no mistakes, no personality. loving the concept of a person without truly being able to see them in front of you is often spoken about in a romantic context, but what about familial? you may feel bound to a person, or that you know them by virtue of perceived habits and preferences you’ve learnt, does it matter if the person doesn’t feel understood by you? does it make a difference if they feel they can’t share their interests or hobbies or thoughts due to lack of interest?

i may have long given up on trying to understand familial love. although i remain obliged to maintain relationships with certain members and deeply hope to be appreciated or seen for the person i am, i’m not sure it’s possible anymore. i think that’s where the inate feeling of being unable to be loved might originate. if the people who are supposed to be closest to me don’t perceive knowing me as an inherent part of loving me, what does it actually mean to love someone? to care about them? their wellbeing? to want to be around them?

i suppose that’s why i constantly overshare details about my life and internal thoughts to those close to me. a.b.s. and m.c. are victims of my tangents and deep-dives into my psyche that simply serve as annoyances. it’s a consistent attempt to share things about myself in hopes of them caring. in hopes of feeling more understood. in hopes of feeling loved.

i think that plays a part in why i’m unable to walk away from a.b.s. despite being well aware of supposed common sense. at some point, i felt more understood by him than anyone else. i felt seen in a way that i always hoped to be. part of me is unsure if that was ever true. another, wiser, less afraid part of me knows it still is. i still find myself able to share certain aspects of my life i’ve never been able to voice out loud to him, even when i know that it might not be met with any form of reaction. he continues to surprise me in actually internalising some of the information i impart and developing the idea he has of me in his head.

the concept of myself in other’s minds often plays on mine. a young teenager obsessed with people’s perception of me grown into a young adult just trying to be pleased with myself, trying to better myself sometimes feels like fighting natural instinct. trying to complete a puzzle without knowing what the final image looks like, or if these are even the right pieces to be attempting with. (this reminded me of the “trying to solve a crossword and realising there’s no right answer” lyric from red about fighting with a partner lmao)

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i think despite how much i crave it; affection, love, tenderness, intimacy and attachment terrify me. they terrify me as i am all too aware of the fact that i do not know how to moderate them. i worry it’s not in my dna to moderate them. i don’t know how to love casually. how to pretend not to care when i do. how to hold back. the even larger problem is that i don’t even want to.

i hate having to feign disinterest or nonchalance or whatever the most recent synonym is for detachment in hopes of illiciting the opposite from the person in front of me. “one step back and let them chase you”. fuck that. i’m terrified of how much i care about people, but i’d rather be open about it rather than sit in untold feelings, mulling over my next steps in a grand scheme of never-fully-satisfying relationships with people. more than that, i like that i’m too open with my feelings. i adore that i’m able to express affection to others. even when i’m not receiving it back.

i wonder if this is part of why i pursue or even attract people that have more difficulty expressing it. at least recently. i think it has to do with my experiences in romance so far. when the person has been able to express it, i’ve somehow found a reason to end the relationship for completely unrelated reasons, not acknowledging the deeper root of it. i don’t know if i ever want to be happy. i don’t know that i’m capable of it. i’m terrified of never being quite satisfied with my life for one reason or another and hurting a person i love in the process.

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i clearly have too much time to think. i was hoping for a pleasant evening reading the fountainhead before submitting to my fatigue and watching asmr in bed but i find myself once again afflicted with the need to figure myself out. the longer time goes without someone who wants to take up the task, the more i feel i must. truth be told, it’s absolutely not somebody’s job to endure. i still hope that someday someone will.

i would attempt to lessen a.b.s. mental turmoil if he let me. i feel closer to a reality of that happening than ever before and wonder if all of my worries about being afraid of a connection stem from it. is this just me trying to run away from a problem again? fulfiling my prophecy as the bolter? (that’s two taylor references in six words. new record. kinda impressed!)

i don’t want to. i want to sit and endure the discomfort and figure it out with him. i don’t even know what ‘it’ is? life? what there is between us? if there really is something worthwhile there? i don’t know what i’m looking for. i just know that he serves as a really confusing beacon in my indecision and confusion. he stands separate as an individual. the relationship between him and i at the moment may be just as confusing, if not more (that may be a slight overexaggerating as he is, at the end of the day, just a man) than all other muddiness i deal with; but he, himself, somehow, isn’t.

that’s why i don’t want to renounce this. whatever this is. i don’t feel that i can.

i’m fairly certain this is finally the end. i’m not entirely sure why today is the last straw, but i think it finally is.

if he has no problem making me feel meaningless, it shouldn’t be a problem if he doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. something will finally be reciprocal between us at least.

i don’t remember the last time i wrote this early. i suppose sitting at a pub alone for over an hour does this to a person.

i asked a.b.s. to call me yesterday because i needed reassurance about my choices regarding us, and he never called despite saying he would. i would guess it serves as the perfect answe to my question of whether or not i’m simply wasting my time when it comes to us. it somehow doesn’t. my brain doesn’t really let it. i find it borderline impossible to truly fault him for anything it seems. i’d make a perfect life partner for him with this lack of self-respect.

i miss when love felt easy. when everything with him wasn’t so complicated. when i was just me and he was just him and things were simple. they never felt quite as simple as they did with him. and yet here we are.

nothing feels simple anymore. not sleeping or waking up, or eating, or living really. not in some life-ending dramatic way where i yearn for the end; but just, objectively. i feel i’ve lost a lot more this year than i realise. i never really re-developed the will to take care of myself. or developed it in the first place i suppose. my default has been self-harm for much longer than i actually realise. i enjoy putting myself through difficult situations in hopes of coming out of it. actually, i’m not quite sure why i do it to myself. i was going to say that i don’t think it’s on purpose but that seems untrue. i don’t really know why i feel the need to put myself through it. i know that life and love aren’t really supposed to be easy ever, but i make it even more unbearable for myself.

i’ll call a.b.s. later. i don’t know whether i can find it in myself to break the harmful patterns i know i follow. i keep being reminded recently that i should, but i think i’m kinda afraid of whatever consequences it would bring. i think i may be scared of being happy. i’m worried that even if all the circumstances were ‘perfect’, i’m still going to find a way to feel unhappy because there’s something wrong with me deep down. i’ll update later.

there’s a lot i feel the need to unpack about the current situation, involving how little blame i place on a.b.s. for his behaviour. i will take the time to do so in the daytime, taking into consideration that i may be coming down from the small amount of white powder i consumed this eve.

for a minute, in this uber home, i will be selfish.

you’re a constant in my thoughts while I travel in and out of yours like a lost vagabond. i reckon it’s a rarity I occupy it for anything longer than a second. i’m a passing thought while i sometimes consider you everything. 

i miss when i used to matter to somebody. even if i was unhappy. at least, for a short moment, i mattered. 

i think the overwhelming feeling of loneliness continues to grow. i don’t know how to stop it honestly.

i’m slightly inebriated. although i suppose recently it’s more of a question of when am i not.

i’ve been very strangely calm over the last few days. i keep hoping for the feeling to pass but i wonder if this may just be the new normal. i’m not entirely sure how to feel about things, honestly. things feel so inherently different with abs after talking to his sister and spending time with his family, and yet i know that it’s also most likely a one-sided feeling. i think a big part is that knowing the magnitude of what’s going on in his life makes it so difficult to even hold an opinion on us right now. it’s just not the moment to figure out things between us. we’re the last of the worries to be had. as much as i want to be there for him, i also have no clue how to.

i wondered if the only reason i ‘started’ something with someone else was some sort of unconscious ‘revenge’ for the christmas trip he took, but i think i realised most importantly that nobody could ever really compare to the way that i feel with him. nobody quite ever compares to him. flawed as he may be. it’s simply him. i think the recent feeling of calm may simply be coming from accepting that once again and just living with the feeling. i don’t know much else but that i love him.

i have so many other adult responsabilities to deal with at the moment, but i also can’t bring myself to care about them. i don’t know that i have the will to deal with anything really at the moment. things are just as they are. time will tell. things will either work themselves out or they won’t i guess. we’ll see.

i wonder if i’m happy with myself as a person. i still don’t feel quite deserving of good things. i think it’s partly because i know i have a tendency to find a reason to leave those things when i do happen to have them.

i felt trapped as a teenager, and dreamt of nothing more than escaping and finding my own way through things. i always ran away when things got particularly difficult. now i find myself unable to really let go of things, although that nostalgic aspect of myself has always existed. i think the simple truth is that i don’t really want to get over or move past this situation because of my own beliefs on the future. i still do think there’s a future for us two. i have no clue if i’m right, but i’d like to think that i am.

again, only time will tell. i think my calm comes from just knowing that things will turn out the way they will no matter what i do. the feeling of helplessness has evolved into something more i suppose.

i always reprimand people for their inability to make day-to-day decisions regarding food, or even just where to go. i reprimand myself for my inability to make decisions and stick to them; constantly wondering if i’m making the right choice. refusing to regret things has led me to be far too hesitant about determining the right path for myself.

i’m trying to not let my failure on my exams completely derail me. i’m not sure it’s working though. i’ve been avoiding even mentioning it since i learnt yesterday because i don’t know how to deal with the effect it has on me. i smoked for the first time last night since during covid and the lack of thought was so incredibly welcome. i wasn’t thinking about abs, i wasn’t thinking about my failed exams, i wasn’t thinking about my future or myself. i was existing as a random human being.

i continue to manifacture explanations and excuses for the way i’m being treated. most likely because it’s just a lot easier to deal with. i can put aside the hurt and disrespect i feel for his sake. which putting into actual words on a page is so disappointing. m.c. goes on about my lack of self respect (always great to hear! always!!!) but i don’t know how to express that it’s an abundance of love and not lack of it for myself. i thought i was doing a good job letting go of the idea of this all being good for me, but i’m not sure how to do that when i still think of him so positively. i can’t bring myself to stay mad.

i once read that people treat and love others in the way that they would like to be treated and loved. i’ve never met a single person who has to try as hard as i do to be treated well or be loved. it seems to come so easily to everybody else. like there’s an inate good in people that i somehow lack. i suppose this just repeats the worry i’ve had for as long as i can remember that something is rotten inside of me. that something is wrong with me. there must be or it would be this difficult for people to even tolerate me.

the self-loathing is just magnified with the exam results. that no matter how hard i try, i can’t achieve the things that i want. i can’t find a long term partner that wants to spend their life with me. i can’t suceed in the field i want to go into. the good thing at least is that i can add the excuse that i simply haven’t applied myself enough to soothe the pain of the exams. i can’t for the former statement.

i wonder if the general loneliness i feel is just a fabric of my imagination or simply linked to the distance between abs and i. or even just in a larger sense the distance i feel between what i want and myself. i always try to figure out if i mourn him, or the concept of him and what he represented; and i am still unable to really make the distinction. i’m not sure if my feelings are limited to my perception of him or not. there was a time i was completely positive that it was simply him as an individual.

i’ve returned to feeling lost. or rather i don’t know if it ever stopped. perhaps i do run away and ignore my problems. i let myself feel the negative emotions but don’t actually deal with them in any way i suppose. i’ve never even really tried to fix my eating and sleeping patterns after they were disrupted during the holidays. i think i just attribute it to a general decline in myself.