to love for the hope of it all

i reckon i’ll have a whole post to write and post tomorrow morning about how much i love the month of december, as it truly is my favourite time of the year.

tonight however, i’ll focus on the (boring) details of my recent feelings and events in my life (how very bleh). i feel like i’m fighting between two impulses in a very ‘should i stay or should i go’ by the clash, or ‘stuck in the middle with you’ by stealers wheel, or even ‘with or without you’ by u2 – way. one is to believe in how i feel about a.b.s., and the possibility of us; believe that we’re two people who have a lot going on in our lives in term of responsibilities (mine more self-imposed than his), but both thinking this could be it. the other is to protect myself and flee. the other is the well-known flight instinct that makes things difficult.

i truly do think that he’s in his flight instinct, something he enters every so often when things get too overwhelming for him, and he wants to retreat into his shell (turtle-metaphor?) until he feels safe. i very much tend to do the same thing. isolation and protection are things i know all too well and search for far too often. whenever it’s going really well between us, i also start looking for reasons for it not to. while his is focusing his mind on other ‘hypotheticals’ (aka women), mine is wondering if i can really do the whole ‘push-and-pull’ thing forever – what my brain fails to understand though is that if we were to do this properly, that would no longer be a factor.

i think i got some form of reassurance about some of the things i was feeling? (reassurance being used in the absolute loosest way possible) hearing that he doesn’t think he would date her either should be affirming in some way – i’m fairly certain he meant it to me, and i suppose that in a way it is. it’s vocal (and not just essentially made up in my head) confirmation that i’m not the main factor in us not being together – an idea that seemed almost non-sensical to him when expressed earlier, like he couldn’t understand why i would think this entire situation is based on a shortcoming of mine rather than putting the blame on him. the answer to that is far too obvious (but also in the same vein non-sensical to him) – i care about him too much to do that (also very strongly linked to my own insecurities and lack of confidence, but we don’t have to delve into that right now!).

in truly hilarious, ari-fashion, listening to dramatic music in the uber (like adele for some reason) followed by a self-assuring mini-walk next to the river (aka i walked one block before i realised how cold i was and was thankfully accompanied by music that made me feel more sure about myself); i feel better. he’s right in saying that there was no ‘satisfying end’- no real conclusion. but it’s because there isn’t really one. ‘with or without you’, which i thought would lead to an even more intense spiral, helped soothe my brain, if even just for a moment.

i don’t know what the answer is, or how to make this situation better – i don’t know if the right thing is to blindly trust this man, despite having given me reasons not to, or go against my gut instincts and protect myself. in the shortest time, the ‘today’, the ‘tomorrow’, the ‘this week’; this situation is just going to suck a lil bit. he’s overwhelmed with things going on in his life and is unable to think clearly or think about romance as a priority. i have much more important things i should be focusing on but am unable to as i just keep thinking this situation over and over in hopes of finding a solution – there isn’t one.

—

“Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I’ll wait without you“

““Sleight of hand” because he feels its like this girl, or perhaps God, is dangling the one thing he wants right in front of his face, but as soon as he reaches out to grab it, it is yanked away. Therefore, he continues to wait.”

“A twist of fate is when something doesn’t go the way you anticipated for it to go, or the way you think it was meant to go.The whole idea of the two of them not being together seems like a “twist of fate” to him. He feels as if they are meant to be together, and some unexpected twist of fate is keeping him waiting.” [stolen from the explanation of the lyrics]

“My hands are tied
My body bruised
She got me with
Nothing to win and nothing left to lose”

“The lyric “my hands are tied” emphasizes that he’s tried all he can but he’s stuck, committed, and can’t alter the predicament. It also provides context for the bruises–they’re not a byproduct of any activity in which he’s an active agent. Rather, the tied hands are meant to show he’s merely a passive recipient of these metaphorical beatings.”

“In the end, neither person wins in their endless conflict and argument.”

—

oh you know shit is about to get real multifaceted and complex when i start inserting song lyrics with explanations. listening to songs about how difficult relationships or love can be sometimes make me wonder why the fuck we put ourselves through this – something i’m sure a.b.s. is also wondering this week. why the hell would we choose to subject ourselves to difficulty and pain when it’s much simpler to remain sheltered within our own lives, focusing on other aspects that seem easier. the truth is that there is too much to gain to ignore. not just from a procreation level, but from an emotional standpoint. people are difficult and annoying and complex and change, and that’s why relationships (romantic or not) feel so fulfilling. good relationships make the pain when things are difficult worth it, because you know it will go back to being good soon. ‘holding out’ for more simplicity. waiting for the right timing.

i keep making the decision to wait for things with a.b.s. to become what i think they should be. i don’t have to, nor am i being asked to by him (who i think frankly would much rather not have that ‘pressure’ on him), but that’s the reality of it. i think this will be worth it. if it isn’t, then it’ll serve as a lesson to myself, something i’ll grow from and learn. but i’m fairly positive i won’t have to see it that way.

i’ve never met anyone that made me feel the way a.b.s. did when i first met him, nor anyone that still does right now. even when things are terrible and confusing and painful, being around him makes things feel easier. seeing him, talking to him, feeling him, make things not feel that complex for even just a moment.

the only real answer i got tonight was that he doesn’t think he wants a relationship (something we both already know, and i feel i’ve taken into account when considering ‘us’); and that the conversations over the weekend didn’t feel like they had a ‘satisfactory’ end, aka an answer (i think that’s how i somewhat felt as well, and felt kinda comforted in hearing him vocalise). truth be told, in an objective sense, terrible conclusion to a conversation i hoped would be reassuring about the situation between us! i think i realised that very quickly on my way home, causing the emotional uber ride (i wonder how many random drivers have seen me have a mini existential crisis in the back of their car lol, quite a few by now i’d think).

thinking about it more clearly (time of the month be damned), it’s nice to have reached the level where he feels comfortable communicating this to me. frankly this weekend past felt similarly. terrible and confusing and shit, but at the very least open and honest between us. i think that can only be a good thing.

i realise i sound a tad bit delusional talking about this in this way lmao, but i think you sometimes need a bit of blind optimism in certain situations to get through them, and i think now is a good time for it. we both agree that trying to stay in each other’s lives, but apart romantically / sexually doesn’t really work, and that we want to stay in each other’s lives, but he’s not in the place to want a relationship (nor am i frankly). i have zero clue where that leaves us at all. besides the mutual knowledge that we want to be in each other’s lives. call me a naive idiot, but that’s a huge thing.

he works in ‘hypotheticals’ and ‘what-ifs’; with no clue that my brain is the homeland of entire fantasy worlds revolving around myself and other people. i find myself having to be the level-headed and realistic one when it comes to our relationship, when i know damn well that i am consistently living in my head, creating new situations as thoughts form. if he’s copernicus discovering the heliocentric model, i’m hubble discovering that other galaxies exist beyond our own.

—

this is quite all-over-the-place, but i suppose that’s a great reflection of my thoughts at the moment. at least for the time being, i trust my perception of us. i trust that this is worth it, that he is (i’m quite sure of it actually). i’m hoping he’ll realise the same once my little astronaut returns back to earth (a disgustingly sweet metaphor i used to describe his lapses of faith in me over this weekend). things will work out the way they are meant to 🙂

i wish i was an idiot with a perfect body. i wish i didn’t pick people who are bound to hurt me, and let them do it anyway. i wish things came easily to me. i wish i were enough.

i continuously set myself up for embarrassment, like a clown performing in front of an empty circus. i advertise the event and beg people to attend, but a sad clown is not a sight one wishes to see. watching the clown try to entertain the crowd – and fail – is not how one wishes to spend their evening.

it’s not that a.b.s. thinking of someone else is a direct result of my not being enough, i am aware of that. my fault lies in letting him treat me the way he is. over and over and over and over again.

“what are we doing here if you’re thinking of someone else?” a question that has no possible positive answer. a question that even posing is humiliating. a situation that continuously grows more disgusting and perverted every passing day. how little can i possibly mean that even while in front of him, i’m not the one occupying his thoughts.

mind you, if i were to pretend to be an innocent bystander, the answer as to why it’s happening is quite simple: unresolved feelings getting brought up as we get closer to the last time he saw her, coinciding with a period of time where things between us are getting better. a simple showing of unsettled emotions brought up by fear. a fear of letting go, an unwillingness to. a terrifying idea that if he were to chase something concrete and realistic, it could fall apart in front of his eyes and he would have only himself to blame.

the irony is that the actions taken cause the exact result that terrifies him.

that is an objective view where i attempt to remove myself from the equation and pretend i am not affected. the reality is much worse. the reality is that i have to continuously face my own fear of not being enough every single day that i continue to entertain the situation. whether or not i’m correct doesn’t even matter. i exhaustingly and dauntingly have to place his feelings above mine and pretend that i’m immune to my own thoughts and emotions. pretend i’m a perfect person with unwavering trust and support.

i think the worst part is that i’d be willing to try. put on the mask. do my best. act like an intoxicated admittal of my not being enough, even just in the moment, for the evening, doesn’t affect me the way it does. doesn’t make me want to stop eating until i’m a perfect body to use. doesn’t make me wish i could change everything about myself to just be enough to somebody for once. pretend i can look at him and not feel disgusted with myself for letting him treat me the way he does, even if he doesn’t mean to.

thinking about her, as much as the concept hurts, isn’t even actually the problem. letting it dictate how you treat me that evening, and then half-assing an honest conversation about it is the issue. the disrespect in actions. the indifference towards how it’s affecting me.

i can explain as much as i want how i feel, but words not cared for fall on deaf ears. it’s hard to ignore how embarrassing everything feels. it’s hard to trust my feelings over my head.

—

i’ve been posed how and why i put up with this close to a million times, including by a.b.s. himself, and the answer seems so simple: i believe that he’s a good person, no matter what. that still isn’t particularly up for debate at the moment – i know that he is.

the truth is that he’s also reckless and selfish. he’s always put whatever he thinks is best for himself first. he’s dedicated to his own cause. he’s committed to his own mind.

while none of this is particularly truly negative alone, it’s a battle for one trying to dedicate themselves to the same cause. it’s trying to play a game where the rules and end goal can change at any single moment with no warning or notice. you’re not even aware of the change until you’ve somehow lost. “trying to solve a crossword and realising there’s no right answer”.

—

“i’m being overanalysed” – you’re being seen by somebody genuinely trying to understand you for once in your life and are terrified of them actually doing so. terrified of letting someone in for fear of them seeing you for who you are and leaving because they don’t like what they’ve found.

i so badly want to prove you wrong. prove that i could love you and we could be happy the way that you are. that the person you are at the moment is enough for me (the way i so desperately want to feel that). you won’t let me.

pushing me away for the millionth time is starting to work. i’m starting to forget what i’m fighting for. i know what it is: us; you. but i can’t be the only one doing so for the rest of our goddamn lives. i can’t let myself be that unhappy forever.

—

i don’t even know in what capacity he thinks of me. ever really. i’m not privy to that information. i’m privy to the moles on his body and the feel of his hands on me, but not to anything scary. it’s easy to bear one’s body when you’ve grown used to it – a hedonistic few hours that one can brush off or bask in the memories, it’s a lot harder to be honest and try to work things out.

i don’t know if i serve as an evergrowing nuisance that won’t take the hint, or as something more sincere and positive. i don’t even know if i want to know.

knowing that ‘there’s no one else’ mere days ago felt so comforting and reassuring. a ray of hope, a single flash of honesty and willingness to build trust back. though not a real setback or lie, this feels like a punch to the gut (pardon my unwillingness to be more eloquent). this just feels like no matter what, i actually will be second best to someone else with him. something i even vocalised and was brushed under the rug (as most things usually are). these feelings will remain words written on a screen, not worth vocalising as they scream of vulnerability and honesty that he’s frankly gradually losing access to. it doesn’t feel worth it to rip open all of my own scars in front of him in hopes of help in helping them. it just leaves me feeling all the more abandoned and worthless.

this isn’t even about me as a person, and i just can’t help feeling like it is. like if i was somehow better, this wouldn’t be a problem. if i was prettier, thinner, smarter, funnier, just anything else, i would at the very minimum be able to keep his attention on me for the evening. i’m not. i couldn’t. though not a personal failure and rather one on his behalf, it fucking feels like one.

it’s 5 am and i won’t be able to just stop thinking. alternating between feeling like i could be doing more (although never knowing what that actually is) and wondering why the hell i put myself through this embarrassment time and time again. allison is asleep on my arm and all i can keep thinking about is that i don’t even merit a real conversation about any of this over the sake of ‘just wanting to go to sleep’ and ‘makes more sense’ – it’s a load of bullshit.

it feels like that’s all it ever is. bullshit. one thing said at one point in time without thinking that i ponder for days. words lose meaning if there’s never any thought behind them. unspoken words echo in the ones spoken about types and attraction to others and yet i’m supposed to rely on ‘my own interpretation of things’ and belief in what we have. fucking bullshit. it’s a load of crap. i’m told i’m too emotional and rely on my feelings, yet also made to believe it’s best for me to trust them.

i just wish this entire thing were easier. it would be so simple for it to be. open communication, even when it’s shit; actual thought behind actions and words to show feelings, consistently. all he would have to do is try – something i know he’s capable of. it kills me that he doesn’t think i’m worth it. poisons me from the inside and affects everything between us. even tonight. doesn’t think i’m worth an actual conversation or apology. like i’m not deserving of it.

i don’t know why i subject myself to everchanging expectations and rules. it’s supposed to be because i think the end result is worth it. which i do. i’m just wondering what role my self-respect is meant to play in all this, and where the fuck it is as of late. this just feels like the latest pie in the face that i, the clown, take for entertainment purposes. i’ll never get an apology from the one organising the act for the degrading performance, for that would simply be too much to ask for. i’m starting to wonder if i even deserve it as this point. i’m the one who keeps subjecting myself to this.

taking a step back only proves that i do have the capacity to abandon him, something i don’t want to do. i have no clue how not to view this as something that makes me have to put my walls back up. i don’t know how things like this exist in parallel – how i can protect myself, as someone fucking has to, while also being open in trying to ‘fix’ things. i don’t even know what the hell there is to fix. i can’t force someone to not feel or think the way they do, nor do i want to. but i also don’t know how i’m suppose to react to him telling me that what i’ve been fearing is true, without an actual apology or even proper conversation about it.

—

as i close in on 45 minutes of spewing thoughts onto page (or well, pixel), my kitten begs for cuddles as she gets tired of watching words imprint themselves onto the white of my screen. and i grow weary of continuing my endless tirade. there is no right answer. it is my choice to accept the situation or not. any anger has just turned into sadness, which has in turn been expressing in writing and left behind only fatigue and unease. i suspect my sleep will be about as shit as this post.

this is one of those times, more than ever, that i wish i had the capacity to fall asleep as my head hits the pillow. i must instead face the painful task of trying to relax my brain and body enough to find sleep – a skill i am usually lacking. i just wish things were different.

allison has abandoned me for the silly toy i got her in the nearby room, making noise that irritates me every single time. as much as i wanted to be alone (and frankly, still do as the entire evening feels like a failed humiliation ritual), the room feels cold, the bed feels empty. sleep calls to me like a siren leading me to my impeding doom as i suspect that even if i am able to calm my body down, my subconscious will find a way to make apparent all that is wrong with myself and the situation. even when things are good, i have dreams that make me wake up, clutching the fibers of reality as i attempt to piece together what words i’ve actually heard before and what parts my brain has made up. i’m borderline scared of what its plans are for me tonight. i hope for a dreamless, empty ‘night’ sleep.

it’s been almost a month since my last post and truthfully, the good things haven’t come my way yet. in a similar vein, the loneliness persists. it’s been a month where i’ve felt myself fightingfor relevance in everyone’s life and losing.

i find myself unable to ignore harsh realities i’m facing, despite having pushed them aside for most of this year. four months ago i stopped feeling like m.c. was my friend. eleven and a half months ago a.b.s. chose to fly halfway across the world to see another girl whilst he was ‘seeing’ me. it’s been weeks since i’ve felt like somebody actually wants to spend time with me and makes an effort to do so. i’m trying so hard not to feel abandoned by everybody, but it’s not working.

i am wondering what i’m doing in london as of late. i feel myself wasting my days away in a city that used to mean the world to me. in a city that represented possibility and a new me. truth is that moving from a city to another doesn’t change the fiber of your being, and i’m still the same fuck up i was.

i’m still messy, and an emotional disaster, and have difficulty with friendships and people. i still wake up alone every single morning and only have myself for warmth in the evenings. i still can’t eat properly.

as of late i find myself unable to stomach anything without comparing myself to the girls that a.b.s. has actually held romantic feelings for. skinny, beautiful women that probably walked around without an obvious care in the world, effortlessly cool in the same way that a.b.s. is. women that don’t walk around constantly wondering how their actions impact the impression others have of them and in a neverending (and unachievable) pattern of having to beg people to care. no that’s far too much to deal with for him, and seemingly for any man. you’d want someone to whom being cool, funny, smart and pretty comes naturally. not somebody who continuously strives for it. not me.

i can delude myself as much as i want that people do care, but the reality is that their actions don’t reflect it. i suppose it never has. a.b.s. hasn’t actually expressed an excitement to see me since july last year. the reality of that is so depressing. that he used to reach out to see me during the week because he genuinely wanted to. becaused he missed me. now it’s a cycle of unanswered texts and empty excuses that lead nowhere. and i’m a goddamn idiot.

every time he makes the tiniest effort i sing praises of adoration at the mere thought and let myself fall back into our drunken routine. him pretending to care and me pretending to believe him.

i’m quite positive i will bring me out of the funk i currently find myself, by some big change or just a wanting to, but it sucks right now. it feels terrible to be reminded every single day that no matter what i do or how much i try, i cannot will people to care about me and should instead settle for pretending to ignore that all people do is put up with me. that is what it has felt like my entire life, and probably what it will continue to feel like.

i’m a great reserve. always have been and seemingly always will be. never in the forefront of people’s minds unless i force myself there. to be put up with but not desired.

(of course my first thought is about the potential difference if i were skinnier, because i’m diseased and it never really goes away. it festers in my mind and literally poisons any food i make.)

good things are coming my way. i just need to continue being patient.

this feeling of loneliness isn’t forever.

i’m not sure why i let myself suffer the way i do. why i let myself face rejection time and time again, never really learning my lesson.

it’s akin to a child touching a barrel meant for curling hair: they’re not in charge of knowing whether it’s plugged in or not, unsure of its temperature until they touch it. when they burn themselves, that’s a lesson to not touch it again.

i’m a small stubborn child that can’t help but reach for it time and time again, pushing my luck as much as possible. hurting myself over and over again, with no one there to help with making the pain feel better after. everyone is sick of me touching the barrel and don’t know why i do it. everyone is (metaphorically) yelling at me to stop touching it.

i deserve a lot better than what he’s putting me through, but even more than that, i deserve a lot better than what i’m putting myself through. ruining perfectly good days by trying to include him when i know he doesn’t care. ruining my good mood and any real hope of feeling good about myself.

i don’t know what i’m constantly competing for. i don’t know what i’m fighting for anymore. a dysfunctional situation where a man can only fit me into his life rather than want me in it? who would want that for themselves? who would let themselves have it? why would anyone do that to themselves?

why do i do it to myself?

in the hopes of things suddenly changing completely? in the hopes of him developing or realising feelings? i know that i think i’m a work in progress, but i deserve far better than that. better than what he’s currently able to offer.

the hard part is that i know how good it could be if he would let himself care about me. how good it is when he does. but the reality is that he can’t bring himself to do it consistently, and the consequences on me aren’t fair.

i think waiting hurts too much to do.

happy first of october! although i could easily call september one of my favourite months of the year, october remains a strong contender. there’s just something about the autumn months that soothe me.

this october brings good albeit uncertain feelings. while i’m still not sure where exactly i stand in terms of feeling confident and happy about my friendships, they are withstanding this ambiguity. i seem to be finding a lot more comfort in the ‘que sera, sera’ mentality and being able to trust it. i remain in a transitionary period of my life where i’m re-establishing what i would like for myself, who i want to be, and how i want to achieve it; although this is temporarily stunted by my cycle and my want for solitude.

i suppose i should feel extremely confused and distraught about a.b.s., but frankly, i don’t. i’m just happy we’re in each other’s lives right now, to whatever capacity. once i acknowledged to myself (and a select few) that i could not actually be in a relationship with him right now without serious attempts at rebuilding trust (from his side) and effort ( – which he has no intention of putting in), it felt like a form of solution to my question. what do i want with him? i’m not sure. in a somewhat soothing way, he knows even less than i what is going on between us. the reality is that i could stay away if i wanted to, as i proved (albeit shortly) – which was a very important discovery. it still feels like there very much could be something good there, but it’s going to take a lot of work that i’m fairly certain he’s not ready to do yet. i also realised that his issue isn’t so much with me as a person or in a relationship, but with the general idea of one – i am not the reason he’s not been in one yet, that’s completely of his own doing. i’m sure that when he decides he’s ‘ready’ to, and finally is comfortable with the responsibility it brings and feels he deserves it, he’s going to be an amazing boyfriend. it’s completely up to me to decide if i want to wait that long. i am most likely pushing my luck a lil this week, as i have a tendency to do; but i don’t quite care about how it comes off anymore. i feel like i finally get to be myself around him with less pressure.

— — —

despite my overall lack of real motivation for the topics at this point in time, studying is going quite well! i think once i finish this (very long) phase of just sitting at my computer and writing out notes i’ll be able to enjoy the subjects a lot more. i’m looking forward to practicing the actual exam instead of just copying words, but i will admit that it’s working quite well so far. i should be finishing a second subject today. truth be told, 2/13 is not terrible at the moment. it’s a good starting point i can continue to build on.

i’m feeling really good about myself lately.

i feel i’ve made a lot of progress these last few weeks within my perception of myself and identifying my goals and personal growth in general. i’m really quite proud of myself 🙂

frankly, i’m also not certain that i’m in a place in my life to even be in a relationship. i really am enjoying my freedom and ability to live my life at home with zero judgment. i’m not completely over a.b.s., so it wouldn’t be fair for me to commit to someone else, but i also don’t really want him right now. i’m strangely enjoying this lil middleground. i’ll have plenty of time to be in a committed relationship in my life. although my rough timeline lingers, it doesn’t feel all-encompassing and so pressing – mind you, it is the middle of the day right now and rarely when i miss the feeling of a relationship. it is in the evenings that the longing kicks in. for the time being, i think i’m happy by myself.

i was close to deleting this entire blog as i wanted to start fresh. as i wanted a change in perspective, having noticed that i mainly use this blog to dump my thoughts about a.b.s. or just my love life as a whole. having told people about it at some point or another, i realised that i use it for performative reasons more than an actual place to dump my thoughts at times. the entire point was to be honest to myself. to have a way to express myself when i feel like i have no one to turn to.

i no longer wish to perform. i no longer wish to include messages in my posts, hoping that people see it. i strongly believe that nobody truly reads this blog anyway, but find myself censoring myself anyway (what a clunky sentence). i am thinking of switching back to paperback journaling. an environment where it truly is just for me. where i would have to sit down every morning or evening and carve out the time to write. where i can’t go back on my words trying to mince them or make them more appealing to read. i haven’t decided yet. i think i need a full mental reset, one that i hope birmingham will provide. i’m going to take the time to have a self-care tomorrow, trying to book as many superficial treatments as i can to appease my body as well as brain.

i just feel exhausted constantly. i know that change is meant to be hard, but this feels excruciating, and i’m not even sure why. i don’t know why i feel the way i do. why i can’t sleep peacefully, why i don’t want to eat, why i don’t particularly want to do anything. i think a personal audit over the weekend will serve me well. love you ari 🙂 you’re going to be okay. i’m going to be okay.

“Guess you know how long I can go without texting you now”

you still know how to break my heart. i still let you have that power over me apparently. an uncertain text followed by one i can only imagine you said in unconcerned jest despite how much i may wish it was an indication that you missed me. that’s what made me gasp. made me forget how to breathe for a second. that maybe you were insinuating that you missed me. that this was the longest you could go without reaching out because you missed me. i have to remind myself that you’re only that romantic in my head. you only send me secret signals hoping that i pick up on them in my head. you don’t actually contain that level of depth or care for me. you don’t mentally pray for me to understand you. if anything, you actively chase it away.

i could barely bear to talk to you on the phone. incorrect words tumbling out of my mouth before i can stop them, curious about how deep the lie that you tell yourself is this time. cruel words (at least, by my own standards) tumbling out because you still couldn’t bring yourself to verbalise anything real; any substantial.

perhaps that’s the issue after all – that we meant infinitely more to me than to you, and that i was nothing to you – maybe it is that simple. i find that hard to believe even now. i’ll never believe that i don’t mean anything to you. but you asked me to judge you based on your actions.

you told me to listen to them. you told me it was maybe best.

i’ve decided to give you what you always wanted from me. space. no insistence, no persistence, no pressure. i release you. i’m giving you what you wanted. you’ll always mean something to me, and this is my last act of love alex 🙂

— — — — — —

despite the amount of anxiety last night built in me, i’m really happy with myself right now. i miss people. i never enjoy having to let go, but i always say that i’m good at embracing change, knowing it’ll keep bringing good things into my life, and such is the case. i will always wish i could bring people on the journey with me, but they make it exceptionally hard to. i don’t wish to drag people with me. i want them to want to experience it with me because they feel i add to their own journey.

whatever is best, will happen. i need to stop forcing things so much. perhaps absence will may the hearts grow fonder; and if it doesn’t, it isn’t meant to.

“I thought you were gonna catch me
I never stopped falling for you
Now I know better, never let me
Leave home without a parachute

[…]

You could’ve told me not to do it, I would’ve run, I would’ve run
Tell me what was the moment you decided to give up
You could’ve told me what you wanted, I would’ve done, I would’ve done
Anything
I would’ve done anything“

(parachute – hayley williams)

i’ve been avoiding writing. i know this to be true. i suppose i’ve been avoiding putting into exact words everything i’m feeling – it’s been a week of vague answers about being upset or on the contrary, completely fine, without really letting myself think about it.

i wonder if it’s best to keep it that way; best to keep my feelings vague and distant about my friendships at the moment. i know things are over, and i feel that there’s no coming back from it really, not for me at least. matt could try to patch things up, but i’m not sure i would want to go back to the way things were. i don’t know how they would. alex is a whole other story altogether. i notice a lot more similarities than i originally thought, which i guess explains why they’re such good ‘friends’. alex likes to think he’s not as destructive as matt – he is. matt likes to think he’s not as detached from his life as alex – he is.

neither know how to care for someone other than themselves. not truly. one can pretend that it’s out of necessity for family, while the other feigns it’s for mental health, but the reality of it is that neither of them have developed the capacity to (yet, i hope).

— — —

i’ve always found it easy to part from people i do not believe are good. from people who i feel make their way through life hurting people, mercilessly, actively. i can put aside any other character flaws, and often find myself doing so, pretending that callous honesty or playful indignity is a show of closeness, a symbol of affection. i no longer wish to do this. to have to shrink myself to fit the needs of others when i’m simply trying to elate them; i shouldn’t have to.

i’ve long believed that there are times in my life where i grow as a person more than others, and end in my most upsetting situation – knowing i must leave people in my wake. this is a constant cycle in my life. i’ve known this one was coming to an end for awhile.

that i would have to let go of alex, finally releasing him from my persistent bids for love, and thus, my heart. i knew fairly early on that i was not meant to build my life with him, and yet i wanted to be wrong. i so desperately wanted to prove (to myself? to the world?) that i could be with him, happily. i knew that i couldn’t. not the way that i found him, or what he developed to me. he could have been the ideal man – the ideal boyfriend, fiance, and eventually husband. he could. he wasn’t, he isn’t. he never wanted to be.

the subtleties of my friendship with matt and its dying embers over the last year is a whole story altogether. one i do not wish to delve into at the moment. particularly because i have yet to decide what the outcome of this entire thing will be – what i actually want from it. i know that things will not feel the same, but i am unsure how much leniency i must refrain myself from. only time will tell.

— — —

as for the object of my admiration since the moment i met him, who i thought could be the greatest man that i’d know, the subject of my dreams and nightmares for the last year and a half or so; i know i can’t come back from this. not really. i could never trust him again. i knew i couldn’t after new years but hoped he would not force the situation to end this way, i hoped he’d want to rebuild. or rather, he’d offer the first block in rebuilding like he usually does, give me a blueprint to operate with, a sketch of restoration. instead, upon seeing my plans, decided to bulldoze whatever was left, unsure whether or not he still intended to use, or wanted, the plot of land. (have i just compared myself to a plot of land? quite beautifully actually)

the land we would’ve built our future on is poisoned. by his lies, by his empty words, by his failed attempts at being what i needed. note that i didn’t say wanted, as all i actually wanted was him. with his flawed, questionable nature. with his contempt for most things, even me. i simply wanted him. i wanted the man he was becoming. he picked an altogether different path for myself, and i wish him the best. i do not wish to see it. i do not wish to experience his destruction any longer, in any capacity. he never let me as his girlfriend or lover, and i do not wish to lessen myself to see his endless drinking and bad decisions by way of friendship. i have asked for enough. i deserve more.

— — —

i miss him in my life sometimes, a byproduct of entertaining my thoughts about him for so long. the situation saddens me, as i never wished to have to part from him, especially as such. but i know i must. i cannot endure this pain any longer. i won’t.

i may continue writing after my mother leaves in a few hours. i shall see.