to love for the hope of it all

i could never marry or spend my life with someone who is okay with hurting me. that’s my decree. i could not be happy with someone like that. not truly.

thus, there is no point continuing to harbour feelings for a.b.s. or anything of the sort, as i know that there is no use in the long term.

hence, it is time to let him go.

it’s time to put myself and my happiness first. to make space for my future spouse to fill; or at the very lease, for new experiences and lessons.

i don’t deserve to be hurt the way he continuously hurts me. every bid for reassurance unmet, every caring action questioned.

i think i realised why i was stressed so much less when away from london: i can’t really fall victim to any of his thoughtless, on-a-whim actions. although i can ask for reassurance or flirt through the phone, the actual physical risk of rejection of some sort does not exist. i do not have to live the physical embarrassment of, yet another, unsure or careless answer. experiencing it again tonight after so long felt enlightening. like i could not imagine what i do it for anymore.

he’s not the alex i met. he’s not the alex i fell in love with. what am i holding onto? a memory of when he cared? an idea i have of him? a possible future? he’s squandered all of the chances i’ve ever given him.

“i don’t know why i still ask you these questions [those begging for reassurance]. some variation of asking if you care and the answer always being that you’re unsure or not reall” – of course i know why i keep asking. i’m hoping that your answer will change someday. that one day you’ll turn around and actually care about me the way i want you to – you won’t.

i worry that i’m not capable of giving or receiving love, while chasing a man that knows he’s not capable at the moment, but doesn’t want to do anything about it. i can’t force him to.

it’s time to put this, and myself, to bed.

tomorrow (later saturday) will be a full day around his family. i’m starting to forget why i decided to put myself through it.

listening to: the last time by taylor swift (original version).

it felt so serious i needed to find the original version of the song lmao. i’m not sure what i’m feeling. right now, mostly abandoned by anyone who claims to care about me i suppose. i keep wondering why i put myself through the things i do, including something as basic as friendships i have with people.

i almost put ‘maintain’, but i suppose it always feels like the other person is the one ‘maintaining’ me and not vice versa. like i’m always somehow asking for too much. a.b.s. is not the only person. everyone talks about ‘what i deserve’ while also actively making me feel like shit and justifying it with ‘that’s how they are’, especially m.c.

i’m losing track of what friends are meant for. because i was still under the impression they were there to enjoy your time with, to be able to rely on if you needed to, that they qualified as someone who cares about you. i don’t think i’ve felt that in a lil while. partly because i put myself in situations where i can’t ever believe the genuinity of their actions or words.

i hate that i continuously have to give a.b.s. chances, time and time again, because it never feels like he appreciates them. he’s not the only one. reaching out to anyone anymore doesn’t yield anything positive. i just sit here feeling like shit while they continue to not care.

i have no doubt that all these feelings are currently heightened by how my family make me feel, and the glass of champagne i’ve had, but they deserve to be taken into consideration. i don’t even think i particularly enjoy drinking anymore. i think i’ve grown to associate it so much with a.b.s. as it became the only way he wanted me, that i’ve realised now, while away from him, that i don’t particularly enjoy it. perhaps it’s because he’s constantly on my mind when i do drink. but i would argue that he is, unfortunately, most of the time anyway.

i don’t feel i can truly enjoy any good moments experienced with him right now. i just keep thinking about how comfortable he is hurting me. i have no doubt that it’s adding to the internal conflict. as much as i may want to remain optimistic and open to exploring new dynamics as i improve in ways i want, i can’t ignore the fact that he is okay with hurting me. with disappointing me.

i can’t tell if it’s because he feels he can get away with doing so, or if he can’t really help himself. i don’t know which one would be worse.

— — — — —

i chose to play ‘the moment i knew’ and just realised that it echoes how i felt on new year’s eve, not being able to celebrate it with a.b.s.. i remember just feeling so alone. i think i tried to put a positive spin on it on actual new year’s, including in my own blog post and in my mind; because dealing with the fact that he had hurt me as much as he did, with little to no regret, was really difficult. it still is. it makes a real future between us unimagineable. it makes it hard to believe that he’s as good of a person as i always claim he is. because someone who cares about me would never do that to me. i would never do that to him.

i think that sort of solidifies something i’ve known for a long time. that he’ll never care about me enough. that this is futile. completely.

i chose to play ‘loml’.

—- —- —- —-

this isn’t even particularly about him. or caused by him. but it’s hard to feel happy with the people in your life at the moment when none of them make you feel cared for. and don’t mind that you feel that way.

— — — — —

I’m lonely but I’m good
I’m bitter but I swear I’m fine
I’ll save all my romanticism for my inner life and I’ll get lost on
purpose
This place made me feel worthless
Lucid dreams like electricity, the current flies through me,
and in my fantasies I rise above it
And way up there, I actually love it

(i hate it here, taylor swift)

i think that everything is going well and i feel okay, but I blink and suddenly i feel like a teenager again, staring out onto my balcony wondering why the hell i feel so lonely.

wondering when someone will look at me with love in their eyes. when i’ll be enough for someone without having to prove it first. wondering when the next time someone will kiss me because they can’t help themselves not to. when someone will want me for me.

it’s over 10 years later and i’m still not able to shake the feeling of loneliness. one occurrence of unanswered text and without even meaning to. my chest feels heavy, i feel alone. i feel abandoned, i feel fragile, i feel empty and i feel embarrassed.

i told myself i wasn’t going to let myself go back to thinking about a.b.s. the way i do because it does me no good. i took a chance and sent a flirty text to receive a compliment a return, and then getting ignored the rest of the evening. feeling ignored by someone still triggers such deep-rooted sentiment in me: that i did something wrong, that the person dislikes me, that i ruined something, that i’m annoying the person.

still all i can worry about is if people like me. i don’t even know who’s validation i’m seeking anymore. it feels like i’m just chasing this idea, that everyone will love me and i can’t ruin things, that keeps getting more and more distant. impossible to ever realise as i am destined to find a way to ruin things.

—- —- —-

i like to think about a not-so-distant future where i no longer feel these things to this degree, particularly not about my romantic life. i whisper into the wind about a man who wants to deal with me, no matter what, all the time. a man that always makes sure i’m feeling alright, and that i know i’m cared for.

i know he’s on his way somewhere. that he’s destined for me the way i am for him. that i will find him eventually. and knowing that provides me some form of peace. provides me with the at least comforting knowledge that even though i feel this way now, as a trauma response, this feeling will not last. the loneliness will not last. when it does come, it’s going to be more lovely than i could have ever imagined.

i used to think a.b.s. could be that person at times. especially before the events following preston. that i could learn to adapt to the communication style and need for space because he equally cared about my needs and wants. i know now this was never the case. i was to him what i am to most, a placeholder.

everything has become so complicated now. so conflicting. as much as i care about him i am constantly reminded that i am not accorded the same level of kindness and care. he doesn’t mind hurting me. although he may regret it and feel guilty after, it never stops him. the hurtful words still spill out of his mouth, whether to express the truth or out of panic and fear. i used to think the reason behind them was the most important thing, holding on the idea that he was pushing me away because he was scared. this remains true. it is also true that i don’t deserve it.

i don’t deserve to have my heart broken whenever he chooses i’m no longer a convenience he wishes to experience.

the main issue is that i don’t believe him to be that cruel, if i did, i never would have had feelings for him. so i can’t commit to detaching myself completely.

—- —- —- —- —-

sam is essentially trying to talk me through a therapy session because i reached out, but little does he know i already therapise everything in my head. i adore sam but the conversation has just made me remember why i don’t like going to people for advice anymore: it’s the same generic stuff that i already know and doesn’t particularly help.

his advice only serves to makes me realise how differently i think and the amount of grace i allow people. i know that what should follow is a comment on how i accord much too much grace and should stop, but i have already established it’s something i like about myself.

i’m too optimistic. i care about things too deeply. i give people too many chances. chances they sometimes don’t deserve.

—- —- —-

i miss my future husband right now. he would either be here staying up with me in bed reading or watching something, or just playing with my hair in bed; or asleep back home not knowing any of this is happening, but will be checking on me in the morning and then realising that i had difficulty sleeping and talking me through it.

—- —- —-

all people’s advice recently revolves around how i would be better off detaching and saving myself the hurt and worry. i don’t think people realise the effect it actually has for me to receive that information. honestly, part of me always just wants to prove them wrong. the other part knows there’s truth to it. i don’t know which side i’m supposed to listen to.

i think i’m done asking people for advice on my life.

—- —- —- —-

13:23 pm:

i stopped writing coherently somewhere in there.

i had an overreaction yesterday to an occurence that triggered an old trauma response. i still need to learn how to actually stop those patterns in a productive way. in the quickest lil summary, i still need to stop overreacting to things.

that being said, i think i figured out why i keep getting so affected by these lil occurences, although not particularly logical in the moment – actions do not exist in a vaccuum. when i feel rejected or ignored or cast aside by a.b.s., it’s because he has made me feel that way a number of times over the last year. because it has happened before. because last time i was completely vulnerable and open he spent a week with another girl, in another country, on another continent.

i keep being terrified of him hurting me because he’s repeatedly shown me it’s something he’s able to do. which should really null any reason i have for ever letting him.

i don’t know. i don’t really want to have to decide whether or not he’s worth the effort because i think it’s crazy to assess a person that way. i suppose i’ll just focus on his actions from now on and act accordingly. i have my own priorities i must concentrate on.

after all, i’m going to pass my bar exam in january 😀

it’s been slowly approaching. i’ve been feeling good. i can feel the good things coming my way. the achievements i’m going to celebrate, the people i’m going to do so with, the happiness and joy incoming.

i’ve been keeping a list since the beginning of the year of days that feel ‘fated’ – that just feel different and special. i can’t pinpoint what the feeling is exactly, as it’s never the same; it’s just a knowledge that the date will matter in the future. so far, that lists consists of:

• friday, february 21st
• monday, june 2nd
• (saturday, june 5th)
• thursday, july 24th
• tuesday, august 12 & wednesday, august 13
• (friday, august 22nd)

i’m very good at keeping track of memorable dates: birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations. they’re some of the only things i’m actually able to keep track of consistentely. i always wonder if any of these ‘fated days’ represent something like my wedding anniversary, of the birthday of one of my future children. i love thinking that they hold such significance to me in the future that i’m somehow able to feel that joy and emotion retrospectively. (i suppose that actually proves that i believe in fate & a sort of predestined timeline – i knew i somewhat did, but this solidifies it).

it’s days where life just feels different, for no particular reason. they don’t seem to coincide with any other event that would cause that dopamine rush (e.g., date or conversation planned or anything), but seem to hold significance all on their own. how lovely 😀

it always creeps up on me, never lasting the entire day.

today hasn’t felt particularly special at all, dull if anything actually.

i must get ready to go to dinner to celebrate my belated birthday with family – i may continue to write later, although we shall see. i’ve been feeling happy lately, always evidenced by my lack of entries here.

i’d like it to be over. i’d like to be able to just accept the embarassment i’ve faced over this last year and be done with it.

it’s a lot more difficult to convince myself it is all worth it when i’m away from london and by proxy, him, and he doesn’t make an effort to ask about me. proclamations of “i don’t think i’m going to change” only do so much to soothe my worries. i can pretend to be laidback and open to uncertainty temporarily, but it is not a constant. echoes of “i care about you, i want you in my life” do not erase the times he was unable to tell me that, especially told under (almost) duress. or the actions of last new years. i still cannot listen to any holiday music without feeling the pang in my chest i felt the week i started this blog. the uncertainty, the anxiety, the worry.

whilst away i’ve started growing small baby hair again. i’ve been sleeping slightly better, not having to pretend my bed isn’t empty. i’ve been welcoming the time alone, feeling motivated for my return to london. it’s hard to be as worried about everything as i usually am in this environment.

— — — — — —

i’m unsure why the holidays plague me today. i haven’t been able to get out of my head the fact that he did in fact leave for another country on his time off, during a holiday season i believed we’d spend together. i suppose it started with looking forward to it this year? although i’m not sure what i have to look forward to at all sometimes. making my own memories the way i see fit is the only solution i have left as i can no longer rely on other people to do so. my heart feels heavy today. like i haven’t realised how tiring this entire ordeal has been until today. like i can no longer pretend the things i tell myself to be able to have him in my life are true. i don’t want to lie to myself any longer. lie and embarrass myself in front of everyone i know.

i can no longer talk about him to anyone but him. nobody wants to hear anything i have to say anymore, and actively encourage me to avoid him and cut him out of my life. i can’t say i’m easily influenceable, but at some point i do start to wonder what the purpose of all of this is. what the end goal is. what the end result will be. most likely? heartbroken and feeling abandoned again. a repeat of the holidays. wondering what i could have possibly done wrong to deserve what i’ve been put through.

i still wonder sometimes. “even on my worst day, did i deserve, babe / all the the hell you gave me?” (my tears richocet, taylor swift).

the song makes me think about actually leaving him behind, and what i believe the aftermath would be. the personality death i’d incur and that he would miss me. i’ve been trying to avoid finding out but it gets too tiring to fight common sense. to ignore the reality that i’m holding on to something for dear life that doesn’t even want me to.

— — — —

i could attribute nonsensical signs for the universe to give me, like him reaching out today, but they never really serve a purpose. they just highlight how little he does care. maybe it truly is time to let his actions speak for themselves instead of coming up with excuses. that is, after all, what he initially suggested when comfronted with how he was acting – that i should take how he acts as a reflection of his feelings – if he acts like he doesn’t care, then maybe it means he doesn’t.

i don’t think i ever realise the impact his harsher words have on me until i’m reflecting back on them. i wonder if he reflects on things that he or i have said and ponders their reality – i somehow doubt it. asking for his honesty usually means accepting his cruelty as well.

time spent away from him only highlights the later. brings to the foreground that he doesn’t reach out, and thus, wonder about me. he doesn’t miss me to the point of wanting to talk. (he admitted that my voice was only tolerable and he didn’t like it in the same way he liked other girls’ in the past – nothing about me quite seems to compare to anyone from his past.) he doesn’t think about me.

— — — — — — —

for the sake of being honest and authentically myself, i keep putting myself out there, knowing that the sentiment will be rejected. and yet, apparently keep doing it.

it begs the question of whether i put msyelf through this because i somehow enjoy the torture, or think i deserve it, something i often ponder. i don’t think i have an answer. subsconscious leftover guilt that makes me feel like i deserve to suffer? i truly have no clue.

all i know is how tiring it all feels. i try not to think about it as much and enjoy my day, but when it weighs heavy on my head and heart all i can do is focus on how exhausted it is to constantly defend to myself that i’m worthy of something good, even though i actively chase something that is comfortable hurting me. that’s the wicked reality of it – i accept and pursue a.b.s. knowing that he’s going to hurt me. i wish he wouldn’t, but he’s proven time and time again that he will find some way, some caveat, some harsh words, some way to use me for my body and friendship when he wants it, and actively push it, and me, away when he no longer does.

asking him not to anymore, and wishing it, does no good; brings about no change. he doesn’t know how to hold something good without hurting it. i don’t know how to walk away from someone without letting them destroy me first. a match made in hellish heaven.

— — — — —

12:57: early afternoon:

i’m completely right in everything i said. i know this to be true. i also know how much i care about him as a person. i also know how lovely of a man he actually is, despite his cruelty, despite how he treats me. he’s a human being, same as anyone else, managing his way through life. still holding on to things from his past that he cannot have an affect on anymore, and by default, can’t ruin or hurt.

it’s not fair to me that he’s holding on so tightly to the point where he can’t realise what is in front of him. it’s entirely my choice whether i see him and the potential we could have as worth the amount of effort it is currently taking.

i keep thinking it’s going to lead somewhere. i know that he does care about me. it’s up to me to decide if it’s enough. i know he wants me in his life. it’s up to me to decide if i want to be in it anymore if this is how he treats me.

clearly, i go back and forth between whether or not it is worth it, and more explicitly, whether or not he is worth it. it’s interesting how this has started to mirror his uncertainty about whether or not i’m worth the effort to him. he’s already expressed he doesn’t think i am, so i suppose the decision is mine to make.

i’m unsure about how i feel. i’m torn between what i genuinely believe and what i feel i should believe. how i feel versus how i’m meant to be. i’ve never been very good at using logic to overrule my feelings. i treat common sense as a suggestion to accompany my emotions rather than a rule. the exact opposite of what he does.

i’m sure if expressed he would say that it’s normal as a woman to do so, but that he must remain the logical of us two. he isn’t the more logical. he’s impulsive, brash, go-with-the-flow to counter my calculated, polite, obsessive.

my actions align with my intentions and words, his never do. that doesn’t make me want him any less. his ability to mix the more wild approach to life, the ‘head-in-the-clouds’, relaxed outlook with a life of responsibility, duty and dependability is exactly what drew me to him. we’re much more alike than people give us credit for.

---

6:55 pm:

i feel really alone and yet have no one to reach out to or talk to. attempting to talk to any member of my family about anything is never productive, and i’m not sure who to even consider my friend at the moment. it’s one of those days where the thoughts just don’t stop and don’t let me breathe for even a second without a reminder of something negative. nothing feels right and everything is off and i feel alone. i have no one to share my thoughts with and work through, and journaling like this only helps so much.

i keep filling that pit in my stomach and chest, that tightness and discomfort that overwhelms me. i miss when things were easier. when having a good relationship with my mom wasn’t the most complex thing in the universe. when i could reach out to a.b.s. without thinking of a thousand different ways it could go wrong and worrying i’m just making things worse. when i could message a friend and know that they care about me for me and are not just interested sexually or financially. i miss not feeling alone. i think that’s a big reason i keep chasing a relationship – a companion, a friend.

i’m left with a thousand thoughts and no way to express them or even release the frustration of them – swimming didn’t help, distraction hasn’t, journaling isn’t. everything just feels bad today.

something feels lost today. i’m not quite sure what. a part of myself? my faith in a.b.s.? my will for love? i truly do not know. i’m not sure i wish to know either. my thoughts tire me. nothing is ostensibly wrong and yet, i feel no joy.

actually i suppose that’s not entirely true. allison missed me just as much as i missed her and i very much enjoyed her discovering that i do in fact have a face using her nose and paws. she’s a very bright light in my life at the moment.

i can’t help but find my life sisyphean at the moment. like i’m constantly trying and struggling with no actual outcome. my thoughts plague me at all times, hindering me from actually making something of myself. i feel myself yearning but i don’t know for what anymore. a.b.s? he’s left me nothing to yearn for. love? when has that ever served me well?

i feel the water calling to me. drowning my thoughts as i focus on swimming, one stroke at a time. it’s waiting for me just as much as i’m waiting for it. i may write later.

i wanted this weekend to soothe my worries about the relationships i currently have in my life. unfortunately, it did the exact opposite and only showed me that i was right to both be wary of them as well as emphasise the need to re-assess. a very long-winded way of saying that i probably am in fact going to have to reset my life.

i wouldn’t even say that the weekend went badly frankly. it was just not what i wanted or expected, despite purposefully not having set any expectations for it. the only person i felt cared about my presence and active enjoyment was a.b.s., who had little to no problem bedding me or telling me he didn’t really want anything to do with me. i’m not exactly sure what to make of that without reaching the conclusion that i’m simply used for sex whenever he wants to or at the very least can be bothered to.

my friendship with matt has been gradually extinguishing as he continuously goes out of his way to put me down or interact with me negatively. this weekend, or really any day that i pick out, is no different. i am his friend when it is convenient for him. this is the same as a.b.s.. i criticise matt for it so heavily and want to distance myself without doing the same for the latter.

i’m trying to find a word to describe what friday night was – confusing, conflicting, strange? they don’t seem strong enough to describe the inner turmoil of the evening. between evergrowing resentment for the way that a.b.s. acts and the gradual realisation that i don’t feel appreciated by my friends – it seems my present relationships are at risk.

despite how much i usually enjoy celebrating my birthday, at least in some way, it feels moot. i can’t bring myself to enjoy time spent around people now that i’m aware of how little they care. all i’d like to do is spend it with a.b.s. who at the very least cares and understands me as a person – but that comes with about a million different questions that sadden me and to which i have no adequate answer or conclusion. my voiced choice today was to say i didn’t want to deal with it until september – something he was fine with until i still said i wanted to be involved until then. i don’t have the mental capacity to even attempt to try to understand any of the thoughts he has anymore, i’ve concluded that it’s not quite worth it.

///

it’s time for a new and yet familiar chapter of my life to return – focusing on myself and academics, prioritising myself and nothing else. it worked miraculously at 18, allowing me to get into my dream school, move to my favoured city, and start a life for myself that i was happy with. it’s time for the same thing to happen this month and by extension this year.

i will pass my sqe written exams this upcoming month while focusing on my physical and mental health, prioritising movement, eating and healthy habits over other people; and using my time to study and enrich myself.

i’m tired of doing everything for everyone else. there’s no need for it. if nobody truly appreciates it, i see no point anymore.

i won’t book dinner for my birthday on tuesday. i’ve already suggested it multiple times. whoever would like to see me on the day can reach out and offer to. i’m no longer subjecting myself to ridicule and rejection for no reason. it’s not fair to put myself through.

i have no doubt that i will find myself using this blog more and more as i adopt these new practices. i have also bought myself two pendant lockets that i hope will encourage me to continue choosing myself over other people.

i will always leave. i think people always assume i won’t because i try so hard. but there’s nothing i fear more than never feeling loved. one thing i can never refute is my resilience. reinventing myself is just another pattern in my life. a rebirth. a new start. it’s the only thing i’m great at.

the advantage when you’re somebody like me is that you can transfer that need to be cared for and loved onto virtually anybody. you can transfer all of the energy you’ve put into a person or people onto anybody else. i’ve never struggled with that.

i always lament about how people leave me, knowing full well that i do the same. i give up on people. i decide i want better. i attribute not changing because they know who they are (sometimes at least) as a defect and make the decision to leave. i see the best in people and when they don’t live up to it, i bolt. i’ve been unsure about a.b.s. for months, if you put my romantic feelings aside. if you cast my stubbornness and insistence aside, i haven’t been sure ab out him in a long time.

i need to be better so that people like me, i always have had to. other people don’t see this need. other people are fine with who they are. whether or not i think that’s a good thing for them in a long time. if people want to stagnate, it’s their right to.

a.b.s. will not choose me. i will have to let go of him. it doesn’t matter that he’s the only person who’s understood me in the past year. he’s not mine to dictate. it doesn’t matter that i think he could be more, if he doesn’t want to be. such is the case for any of my friends. i’m allowed to just leave.

///

i force myself into these corners in my life where i must stick by my decisions or simply walk away. usually, sticking by them includes an element of luck or good fate that never really occurs and thus, i walk away. i leave. i reinvent. i bolt.

i thought i had stopped relating to ‘the bolter’, and have purposefully gone months without listening to it. the words still echo in my mind.

With a quite bewitching face
Splendidly selfish, charmingly helpless
Excellent fun ’til you get to know her
Then she runs like it’s a race

[…]

And at first blush, this is fate
When it’s all roses, portrait poses
Central Park Lake in tiny rowboats
What a charming Saturday
That’s when she sees the littlest leaks
Down in the floorboards
And she just knows she must bolt

///

when i get a final inkling that people don’t care about me and they might leave, i must leave first. i keep giving a.b.s. the option to choose me because i want him to so badly, but he wont.

i didn’t want to relate to the tortured poets department this year. i thought the songs related to my breakup with james. turns out there’s a lot more to come. old habits die screaming.

wednesday june 25th. new moon in cancer tonight.

what i really would really like for myself, going into this new moon, or even just going into 25 next week, is to surround myself with people who show up for me, make an effort and make me feel appreciated.

too much of this past year has been focused on being present for other people, doing things for them and trying to please them without thinking about whether or not i like them or want to be around them.

people don’t tend to make an effort for me. i’ve booked a dinner for my birthday this friday and i’m fairly certain a.b.s. is going to be stuck with me alone since nobody else wants to join. everybody can afford to go out for other occasions, but my birthday it seems. beers have no monetary value when people request round after round at a pub on a random day, but god forbid they must make plans to attend my celebrations.

i try so hard for other people and it never really goes appreciated. not by matt, not by a.b.s, not by any of our other friends. i truly do hope that the new chapter of my life in london that includes work (sometime in the near future) incluides finding more people that will appreciate me. i’m getting very tired of not feeling enough for everyone else, by no fault of my own.

---

i’ve been putting off journaling as of late because i would need to reflect and write about a.b.s. – i’ve run out of useful things to say. i’ve given one last chance for my birthday, and i know it truly is the last. it feels different than it usually does. i haven’t even really thought about what would happen if he actually did step up – it seems too far-fetched even for me. i’d love to sit here and keep hoping but i no longer see a point. he gave up on me long before i gave up on him (not that i completely have at the moment i suppose, but set on the road to it). all i want is to feel appreciated and i’m not sure anyone in my life is making me feel that way right now. have i outgrown them? have i changed enough in the last year to not really have space in my life for them as they are?

all too often i find that people don’t have an interest in evolving or changing for the better. people are too comfortable staying in patters they claim to hate. a.b.s. will never step out of his comfort zone enough to care about me the way i need him to. many have little to no interest in actually becoming better people. i’ve stagnated this past year. there have been changes, without a doubt, but there has been little evolving that actually included other people. nobody has pushed me to better myself. nobody has made me want to become better. i’ve found it in myself every time.

as i told a.b.s. on sunday evening – i’m not okay with stagnating. i’m not okay with wasting time. i have a limited amount of time on this planet and i have things i want to achieve. a career i want to work, a family i want to raise, a man i want to love. i’m not comfortable with letting things ‘run their course’ and seeing where the cards lay. i decide what cards lay where. i decide what i want to do, and what i must do to achieve it.

i remember telling friends from university, probably exactly a year ago a few weeks past that if a.b.s. and i weren’t officially together by my birthday, i saw no point in continuing. it’s taken me a year to decide to stick by that. it’s somehow taken me a year to find the self-respect to demand and impose what i actually want. why would i ever be okay with being second best? or giving him an indefinite amount of time to figure out what i mean to him? it’s not difficult. he either cares enough to do something about it, or simply not enough. there’s no middle ground. there’s no grey area. it’s time i stop giving everyone the grace i am never accorded.

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i’m feeling conflicted going into 25 – i know what i can achieve in the next year, how i can improve and better myself. i worry that the path there does not include a lot of what has brought me comfort this past year. i’m not sure it includes the same friends, the same patterns or same connections i currently cling onto. i’ve left it up to a.b.s. to decide if it includes him. the jury is still out for everyone else. i’m not entirely sure how much it includes matt in his current form.

as much as i love and crave change, the actual idea always terrifies me. planning for change terrifies me. it happens regardless of whether i want it to or not, especially in the introspective way, but i hate when i’m able to tell that positive change involves letting go of things i care about who don’t care enough about me back. letting go of a.b.s. terrifies me. and yet, it’s inevitable. i can’t even find it in myself to believe for a second that he’ll step up this weekend; that he’ll try; that he’ll tell me i matter too much to lose. against my volition, i will have to let go. same applies to matt and the rest of my ‘friends’.

i’ll repeat a sentiment i didn’t realise the importance of until i spoke it: “how you act affects me, and if you’re not going to care about how it does, i have to”. i didn’t know i had it in myself to utter that sentence to anyone until i said it in the pub. that i had the courage to actually verbalise that i need the person in front of me to care about me and how their actions affect me. i need friends who understand that and do care; i need a partner who cares enough to never want to hurt me, the same way i never want to hurt them.

i’m fragile. i have anxiety. i need to be taken care of. i do a lovely job of it myself, with no complaints. but i need the people around me to care enough to do the same. i try to take care of people in my surroundings because we all need some help – human beings rely on community; and i’m sick of being the only one who sees the value in it. if people want to be independent and do everything by themselves all the time, i welcome them to; i’m not sure i fit into their life in a significant way then.

i care about people. i make an effort – arguably, far too much of one. i try. i don’t feel like these things are particularly appreciated. i deserve better. i have no doubt that it is on its way and i will find it, it’s just a matter of when.

i’ve expressed this to a.b.s.. if he wants to be a part of it, and be better, and figure things out with me; i’ve given him a last opportunity to do so. this weekend will be telling; i’ll no doubt have to make some very important decisions next week, which is terrifying because of the loss it will bring, but exciting as it will allow for better things to flow into my life.

i have to choose myself if nobody else will. i can’t let other people be my only priorities.

when’s the last time someone called me beautiful? when’s the last time somebody looked at me and thought it? i have, most definitely. but when’s the last time somebody else has?

has a.b.s. ever? looked at me, sober (or at least mostly) and thought to himself that i looked pretty? that i looked beautiful? i’m not even sure he’s ever given me a compliment without me prompting it – not on my appearance at least.

when’s the last time somebody looked at me and thought ‘wow’ while i was still dressed? while i wasn’t wearing a lowcut top ort a short dress? where they just looked at my face and hair and into my eyes and thought ‘she looks beautiful’.

i’m not even sure when i last received an unprompted compliment. i find myself extracting information out of a.b.s. in an attempt to soothe myself but it’s losing its novelty.

i would say the last person who said it romantically was probably james? or even magnus i guess? although that was a lie to get me into bed. i don’t think james complimented me much after we moved to london – i was given the role of housemate, chef, writer, financier, planner, but never quite lover. i suppose that’s not entirely true given that we did have good moments in passing; but i can’t say i felt appreciated or loved. i don’t know that a.b.s. has ever made me feel that way. not recently at least.

have i ever really felt appreciated and loved? i’m not sure i’d have an answer for you right now. i don’t know if i set the bar for myself so high that even when others do give me the reassurance i want, it’s not enough; or if i just haven’t ever really felt it. i’ve felt desired, lusted over and wanted -not sure about how recently, but i’m sure i have. but i don’t think i’ve felt like anyone really understands me in a while.

i know that i always say that a.b.s. does, and that’s such a big factor in why i’m attracted to him and want to keep him in my life, but i’m not sure it feels that way anymore – the man i knew has pulled away so drastically that i’m not sure i recognise him sometimes. or rather, the parts of him that i always excused and overrode for positive things are more prevalent. it’s hard to feel like he doesn’t care about me unless he wants me to get undressed. it feels borderline reductive to say that, because i don’t think it’s just that either; but i think that’s what he considers it at this point. i can usually comfort myself and move on from the feeling, excusing it for my own anxiety and projection, but i don’t know how to do that right now.

for someone who is terrified and hurt so much by rejection, it’s been so incredibly common in my life. and yet i keep going for things, i keep trying. i used to think that was such a positive thing – my reluctance to give up. i’m not sure it is. it’s just more rejection.